Babies

I was 14 when I decided I didn't want to have kids. I can remember the exact moment when I told myself that it wasn't something I would do. I was playing the last level of Batman Arkham Asylum, my mom came downstairs to tell me that news broke out about Josh Powell. He killed his sons and himself. My mom rubbed my back as I cried and cried. Because how could someone who brought these kids into this world do something so horrific? I won't go into it but what he did to them was brutal. I wish I could forget the details. Hearing this just reinforced something I wish I didn't believe: no matter the relationship or role, you do not ever truly know someone and you can't count on them. Unfortunately, a lesson life has taught me repeatedly is that sometimes people will hurt others because they can. It's scary to me and I can't wrap my head around it. There are people out there who will hurt you knowing at least some of the potential consequences and do it anyway. Susan had trusted this man to raise a family with and not only did he kill her but his own children. A man she probably loved and lived with for many years. No one knows what went on behind closed doors- but I'm sure she couldn't have imagined what would follow their marriage. 

Relying on someone else scares me a lot. But it turns out I foolishly need human interaction, so I end up doing it a lot. I've found people I do believe would do anything for me and I know what a blessing that is, but I still feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. It could all come crashing down in seconds blindsiding me. How could I ever have a child who I know I would love more than anything and anyone else with another person? I can gamble my own happiness and safety with someone else but I'm terrified of the idea of bringing a baby into that. Beyond that, if I did find someone who I could see a family with, the nagging thought of how fragile life is would eat me alive. You truly never know how much time someone has and if I found this perfect (for me) person what if something awful happened and I was left all alone to raise a baby?

I've also thought about the welfare of these imaginary kids so much. With PTSD and depression what would I give to them? What would they inherit? Would I be able to handle raising a whole other human when I don't always manage myself that well? Depression physically ages the mind- what if I end up with something like Alzheimer's at an early age and I can't be the mom I want to be? I'm also sure I would be the most extreme helicopter mom of all time. That surely wouldn't benefit my kids. They wouldn't experience things how/when they should because I would try to do the impossible task of keeping them from getting hurt. Ever. If  I did overcome all of these difficult things I think I would completely come apart if something ever happened to my babies.

I'm also really scared to risk having a girl. Because in my opinion, it is so much easier to teach a boy to be a good and thoughtful man than it is to try to encourage a girl to pursue her dreams but also know that she has to keep one eye open at all times. People would treat her differently her because of her gender, as she got older she would know walking by herself was dangerous and be painfully aware of every movement and sound until she reached safety. The fact that if something ever happened to her the first thing asked could very well be "Well, what were you wearing?" instead of trying to figure out how to help her. If I had a daughter she would of course be my whole world, (and probably have the middle name of Van Helsing) but I don't know how I would ever stop worrying about her even for a second. While it's so much better here, there are many places women are simply commodities and that mindset has a residual effect on so many men I see. Not all of them, of course, but far far too many. Whether they are aware of it or not I can see the misogyny around me blatantly. 

When I've contemplated the ideas of having kids I've always felt so afraid.

Then I met Ira and Ellis.

I had no clue if I could even handle kids, so naturally, I decided to try nannying. Sorry Bridget, you're in too deep now- so I can say your kids ended up being guinea pigs for me. I never truly understood (there were times I thought I did) why people wanted to be moms until I got to know them. But it clicked, and now I get it. Those boys are the best thing to come into my life in a really really trying time. I'm not ready to talk about the past couple of years but there have been much more days crying than not. I started watching them in august of 2018 and I can honestly say I don't know where I'd be without them.

I can't tell you how many times I'd go sit on the stairs of their first house (out of sight) for a couple minutes while I was with the boys and just sit there and cry. It honestly was probably almost every day. But those boys gave me a reason to wipe away the tears and put a smile back on my face and go do something. It got so much easier to get out of bed in the morning knowing I was going to see them and honestly it's been the best part of my day for years. I'm crying writing this because of the deep gratitude I feel for that family. I don't think Bridget (the boys' momma) realizes what her kindness has done for me. No matter how long I want to linger, she never asks me to leave or makes me feel uncomfortable for staying when she gets home. She has chosen to be my friend. She regularly invites me to stay for lunch or go with them if they're doing something. Before quarantine, I had a particularity hard day and she let me come hang out with her whole family and I stayed until 11 P.M. Ira fell asleep right next to me and I got to put him to bed. Being at her house I get to soak up their little family life and I don't think there's anything more enviable than what she has right now. I'm not saying it's perfect and I've seen her handle really hard situation beautifully. But seeing how much she loves her husband and how they love their kids is something I wish I saw far more often. 

I've been able to watch Ira go from pre-k 1 day a week to every week day. I got to see him do monkey bars for the first time and learn how to ride his real bike. I got to see Ellis learn to walk, talk, and overall be the most dramatic and sassy little kid I've ever met. I still remember the first time Ira said he loved me- it was super casual and he was playing with a train but I totally cried because I knew he meant it. When those boys are sick and just want to snuggle it's the best feeling to just have them lay their sweet little heads on my chest and rub their backs until they go to sleep. Indoctrinating Ellis to love Batman has also gone off without a hitch, which is great because we're going to watch ALL the Batman cartoons. They take interest in what I'm doing and want me to be around not because they want something from me, they just want me. They love to both sit in my lap while I read books, sometimes the same one until I can't take it anymore (that's about 7 times in a day). Ira LOVES to play board games and we are pretty pro at sorry. I won't ever play chutes and ladders again though- pretty sure they use the board as the wallpaper in hell. If I do my makeup whiles I'm there Ellis is thrilled to have a brush or a "Booty Bender" which is why I've started bringing two so he can play with one. Being able to give them kisses, help their boo-boos, and play with them is the most peace I've felt in a really long time.

There is truly nothing more rewarding than spending time with those babes. When I go out and people mistake me for their mom it makes me feel so proud that others think these little dudes are related to me. It totally makes Ellis destroying everything in his path worth it.

They have given me hope when I needed it the very most. I'm not 100% sure what I believe but I know that getting to be with those boys was divine intervention. They deserve the best version of me. It's so much easier to get there when I'm with them. Seeing them has convinced me to keep my mind open and hope it changes as life goes on. Because they make me so much happier than I knew I could be. If I don't have kids I'll be doubly grateful that I got to help raise these boys and got to at least taste what it's like to be a mom. That privilege is not lost on me, I'm so lucky an entire family chose to love me. These parents trust me enough to leave their kids with me, I feel like that's the highest compliment I could ever receive. Last day I saw them before quarantine one at a time the boys slowly made their way to my lap while we were watching a movie. I didn't ask to snuggle, I didn't tell them to come to me, they came because they were comfortable there. In that little action, I could see that they wanted to be with me not because they needed something or wanted something but because they love me. It made my heart burst and started silently crying holding those sweet boys. When Ellis turned around and saw me he said "Scout! Oh no!" I didn't know how to explain happy tears to a two-year-old so he was very concerned for me until I got it back together. I know that they're not my kids, but I love them so much I can't imagine how it would be possible to love anybody else more.

I always thought falling in love was such a cliché and the phrases that come with it still makes me roll my eyes. But they're pretty much all true. I think kids love is perhaps the purest there is. There is no agenda behind them, I don't have to question their motives, they are completely trustworthy and around them, I never doubt my worth. They truly feel like home. That feeling is something I didn't even know I was looking for but now I think I get why so many people want to have a family. 

These tiny, hopeful, wonderful people have made me question the things I've hated that I believed. Their innocent wonder and honesty have softened my heart for the first time. I don't know very much, but I do know that I'm open to more things than I ever have been because of these little guys. I know that Ellis will grow out of saying fi-no-ni-a instead of Fiona (his cousin), he won't always grab my ears when he goes to give me a slobbery (kinda gross) kiss. That Ira won't always want to watch Pokémon. But I know I'll never forget it about them.

That's why if I ever did have a tiny person of my own part of their name would be Iris.

It's my favorite flower, the name of Flash's wife, but for me it means Ira+Ellis.

Star Dust

I used to think I was a relatively tough person. The past two years my tiny fragile heart has proved otherwise. I used to pretty much never cry unless it was over awful vivid flashbacks, going on days without sleep, you know the big stuff. I've never been a softy before and I don't know how to recover from it. That's how I remind myself not to call. Because every single day when I see something that makes me laugh I want to send it to him. I want to show him the dumb youtube videos that my brothers show me and take him to sick taco joints. I want to tell him about my day as a part-time nanny/dog sitter/hotel concierge. I wanna hear every mundane thing he's ever done or thought. It's a real bummer to care so much about someone who's not around anymore.

I really hoped that I wouldn't still feel this way. It's been almost two years and a text completely unwound me. I kept reading into it, hoping that 'it was a sign' but a text is just a text. It's not an invitation back into someone's life. There's nothing I'd love more than to reply but by the time I tried it was a novel. I just can't respond without looking like I'm nuts, so even though I want to I just won't respond at all.

This dude is a straight-up wizard or something because I'm completely wrapped around his finger. I wish that I would've made peace with everything that transpired. I wish that didn't turn my stomach into a little knot every time I think about him and I wish I didn't think about him so much. But this month is his birthday month, it makes me so so sad that I won't be celebrating him.

There are so many things I wish I could go back and change but I can't. Unfortunately pain and feeling humiliated are pretty much the best teachers because it's not a slow learning curve you just get smacked in the ass so hard that all of the sudden things are put into perspective. I'm terrible at all the smushy stuff but I tried. I mostly took things from rom-coms because my idea of how to show love isn't the typical stuff- I don't trust anyone that I deem too affectionate. It's so easy for me to be mean. But even when I was hurt or upset I did my best not to fight him because I didn't want to waste my time with one of the people I cherished the most by being angry. That was absolutely a first and I wish instead I struck a balance, some of those things still make me cry and I wish I had said something instead of letting it slip. I've never been passive, but for him, I really REALLY tried to be nice. I tried to keep in mind that just because something set off red flags in my brain didn't actually mean that there was anything wrong.  I tried my hardest to be affectionate and show him how I felt and it wasn't good enough.

A lot of our relationship was superficial. But what wasn't meant so much to me. I'm sure I sent weird signals. I'd get overwhelmed and do something dumb. I can't even number the times I'd end up 'decompression' crying after I saw him because I don't know how to deal with all those feelings. It brought things to the surface that I had buried because I had to immediately handle what was in front of me. I wonder all the time if I figured out how to actually say what I was thinking if things would be different. I wanted so badly for him to be my person, and honestly, I still do. But I rarely talked to him about things that really mattered. I wanted to tell him about my insecurities and shortcomings, but I didn't know how to address or maybe was too afraid to bring up everything that made me feel vulnerable. I just don't know how to not miss him. It's INFURIATING that he's so great. If he'd just kick a dog and take ice cream from a kid I could get over it.

I hate that I placed expectations on him- it's not fair of me. It drives me crazy and makes me mad that I want something from someone I can't get for myself. I've tried to be careful to avoid that. But here I am a soupy mess about it and there are so many things I can't stop thinking about. One of them was the Christmas I spent with him. I gave him a kettle full of things we'd done/seen together. A mini-golf pencil from our first date, a stick from the tree I 'fell out' of, stuff like that. it was 100% based on Jim's gift from the office because I'm not romantic so basically I just steal other ideas from the t.v. and movies.

It also came with a note which never ended up in his hands. It's in the back in one of my top drawer. I haven't looked at it since because it's too painful and because I'm not ready to get rid of it. I put so many things in there, how I felt about him and why he was pretty much my favorite person. I put in some really private things that I don't know if I've told anyone and they are way too hard for me to say out loud. I wanted him to know how hard I had to try. How easy it is for me to be defensive and even cruel and how emotional or physical intimacy fills me immediately with guilt and that even after years of therapy it's still really really hard (actually to the point where I'm going to be going back to therapy again YEET). I wanted to tell him that even though it was so hard, overwhelming, and sometimes painful for me, I thought he was worth it. and that I hoped he'd be patient with me while I tried to figure all this out. Instead, there's the chip from off my shoulder stuffed in the back of a drawer. I've obviously started saying YEET even more. I find it helps fill the void.

He's honestly one of the best people I've ever met. The people that get to be around him are so so lucky. I wish I was one of them all the time. For a long time I thought it was because it was fresh, or because emotionally I turned a molehill into a mountain and that he probably wasn't that great and it would get easier with time. It certainly didn't get easier, actually, it has just gotten harder. I cried a LOT last year on the plane ride home from Cali because I previously had been pinching my pennies to take him to the beach for his birthday -he'd never been. I really thought that I would be going with him. I think that's the hardest part. I really thought that there was a future and then feeling so stupid and embarrassed in yourself when it falls apart. I don't really know how else to say it, he's the kind of dude I'd pack a lunch for.

I've had a lot of time to process everything and look at my own issues, and toxic traits in relationships, I wonder if I ruin things subconsciously because I'm afraid to to be close to people- especially men. It took me a long time to get to this conclusion- but I'm pretty sure I'm in love with him. Which is probably why I still cry about it so much and why it's so terrifying for me to write down. I told myself over and over that it wasn't true but I'd still like him even if he had the feet of a chicken, or if he had a prosthetic eye I'd be willing to polish it for him- which is undeniably icky. It's irritating and confusing and he probably thinks I'm a creepy mopey clingy girl who needs to back TF off because we are so not on the same page. I don't want to be like the creepy ghost girl in the game "home, sweet home". She goes around chasing you says in her creepy smoker voice says "I miss you so much." To avoid her you literally have to hide in lockers I definitely am not aiming to have that effect. So I don't tell him I miss him or send him things that make me think of him or try to see what's going on with his life. Because I want him to be happy so I need to respect his space and opinions.

I hope no matter how much it makes me feel sad that he's in love and moving forward in his life and living it to the fullest. I'm not sure I've ever met anyone else who've I've sincerely wanted to be happier outside of my baby brothers. Because every time I was around him or I even think about him I'm reminded that he is made of stardust. While everyone might be made of it, there are few people you meet that remind you of it.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you are lucky enough to have a second chance, or have someone who tries their best, and loves you back give them a lil squeeze and tell them what they mean to you. Let them know the insignificant things they do that you love about them. Tell them that you'd love them even with chicken feet.

MIA

This year I've thought a lot about how I should delete all of my social media, my blog, anything that mentions me, shave my head and move to Ohio where no one would ever find me. No one would look in Ohio, it's Ohio.

But I'm afraid to shave my head because what if it's shaped funny and I look like a lame dinosaur? From there I talk myself down until I've come to the conclusion that it's not worth doing at all if I can't shave my head, and I can't shave my head.

An escape seems so nice because as I look back on my life I can't believe how naive and clueless I've been.

You might be thinking "well it can't ALWAYS have been that bad." You'd be wrong. In elementary school, I was that 'horse girl'.

I don't want to talk about it.
REALLY.

The facade of self-confidence that I've used to mask my anxiety has dissipated.  I've never particularly liked who I was but some personal issues have surfaced and for a little while I couldn't even look in a mirror. It's not at that stage any more thank goodness but knowing I'm going to be stuck with myself for the rest of forever is NOT something I'm looking forward to- it's also inescapable

Pretty much anything I have ever stuffed down has come back. Issues I thought my strong will and big opinions would spare me from.

A really unreasonable amount of crud has come into my life recently, and it's worn me down. I know that life isn't fair, I don't expect it to be but right now I could REALLY use a break from all this.

I tell myself every night that tomorrow will be better. So far it hasn't been.

I've really been struggling with the loss of what I thought was my identity. Trying to get through all this so many things I thought, or lived have become irrelevant or even seem stupid. Life has become so overwhelming (yup, we've officially passed whelming) that I stopped doing the things that help me including writing which is always therapeutic for me. So I'm trying to force myself to get back into it. I've tried over and over to write about something that mattered to me to do something and I just haven't been able to.

Most nights this year I've cried myself to sleep.
Sometimes I can't because of the audacity of my nose, like excuse me? I'm sobbing quietly trying not to wake anyone and fall asleep myself and you just start running? I want to stay in my bed not get up and use an entire box of tissues on my snotty face. So rude. I can count on fingers and toes how many days I haven't cried. I could still count to that number even if I was lost in the rainforest and a rabid baboon ripped off a couple of digits (I started this months ago and wasn't ever able to finish, it was too emotionally exhausting- I've now made it past 20 days but I'm not willing to get rid of the rabid baboon bit). I cry in my car, at work, gas stations, in drive-throughs, watching videos of animals (the lady that rescued the bee- I sobbed), in the middle of Costco because the last sample was taken as I was walking up to get one (I'm so sorry Costco workers- I understand that you probably can't stand me. I'd hate it too if I saw a full grown adult cry over half a pretzel although to be fair it really wasn't about the pretzel). Luckily it's at least kind of funny, I mean I cried because my favorite contestant won the third season of the great British bake-off.

I'm trying to keep it together but I just can't. As it turns out there are far fewer people who will be there for you than you'd think. Life gets in the way, and that's not necessarily their fault. But it's hard to have people tell you they care about you and they'll be there for you when they treat you as an option for when their bored or don't prioritize you even when I've finally managed to swallow my pride and ask for something. I do have a handful of lovely people who I know if I just asked would drop whatever they were doing and be there for me, but they don't necessarily possess what I need. I'm also so frustrated because I know that I have all these wonderful things in my life, great opportunities but they're not making me feel anything. I just dig myself into a deeper hole by feeling ungrateful and angry at myself for not appreciating what I have even though I'm trying so hard. That's why I haven't been on social media or checking up on my friends. I'm just so drained and don't have anything left to give anybody,  not even what I need to myself.

For years it took so much to make me cry (still cried a lot but it was over some pretty serious stuff) and now I feel like everything sets me off. Anything ranging from that's inconvenient to that's nice no matter how trivial it breaks me down because I can't handle ANY emotion. I don't understand why I feel like I'm at my constant limit because I got through so many of the things weighing on me, but the weight has just stayed. I don't know how to get rid of it, so absolutely everything is exhausting. For the better part of this year, I've spent so much time in my bed because I'm perpetually fatigued, it doesn't matter that I'll sleep for 16 hours because I wake up just as tired. Doing the bare minimum has become extremely difficult and it's a good day if I get that done. My motivation is at an all-time low so that really really REALLY helps my depression.

YEET

On the plus side I've developed some sweet skills this year:
1) I can cry on command at any time aka stop myself from holding it in I can almost always stop crying on command too
2) I'll be sobbing but sound completely normal on the phone (practice makes perfect).
3) I'm an illusionist. I can give the impression that I'm doing just fine and doing peachy (I'm an emotional Houdini)
4) I could make booger bridges to China with my constantly runny nose
5) I can eat more french fries when I'm upset than I normally can. Which is a LOT. Probably 2 or 3 potatoes worth at a time a couple times a day.
6) I've figured out how to wrestle a one-year-old to change him and he's basically a screeching contortionist- plus convince his older brother to eat a real breakfast with bribes. I feel like counts for something- being a nanny has been awesome and really challenging.
7) I'm a tiny bit better a guitar than I was I bought one in January
8) I quit doctor pepper (mostly) and have it once a week at most. Although I probably could really use the caffeine.

I haven't said anything or talked to anyone because I don't want anyone's pity. I'm not even sure I want their sympathy.

I just needed to start somewhere, there's a lot of things that are actually important to me I want to talk about but it's too hard right now. I feel like I'm one more half pretzel from turning into a nihilist. So I'm hoping that getting some of this out will alleviate the pressure because I'm tired and I haven't been very nice to the people who I do actually see and that's not cool.

I know I'll get through it because you don't have to be happy to keep going. Even if I can't handle it all I have to do is go through the motions until eventually one morning I wake up and feel better. There has been one day this year I have been genuinely happy it was in August and waking up not dreading the day is something I'm really looking forward too. I'm also grateful for my antidepressants because I can't imagine where I'd be without them I'd have DEPRESSION depression. I had SO MUCH ENERGY and I got so much done. I miss that.  Luckily New Girl and tacos don't care if I'm crying.

As always I have to include things from the office that are currently relateable and make my rant about pretty much being so depressed I can't do anything I tiny bit more light hearted:

Real heroes- the guys that get distress calls from the commissioner.

As I'm writing this it's Bruce Wayne's (Batman) birthday- febuary 19th. If you know anything about me, you probably know I LOVE Batman. A lot of you know a little bit why, but I don't think anyone really knows. I don't think I could get it all down into words if I spent the rest of my life trying. But, since it's his birthday I thought I'd bring up some of the reasons I love him. This is EXTREMELY cheesy, a lot of it is also really painful to say but if there's anything I've learned from Batman it's to be brave.

This is really Super duper long (I'm really trying to make these shorter, but sometimes they just need to be long)- so I figured I'd include a short version if thats preferable for you:

http://www.tencentticker.com/somethingterrible/

I can remember in first grade my friends calling me Doctor Phil on the playground because regularly I'd be the one to patch things up when people got in a fight. I'd sit them down and make them talk it out. In second grade I got one of those dinky 'awards' at the end of the year for "being the most compassionate." I was always perky and happy. I was very involved in church, always read my scriptures. Was super into activity days (church activities for girls under twelve) and the like. I was even planning on getting my patriarchal blessing at twelve. I strived to be a poster child kind of kid. Then all of that changed.

The first big memory I have of court was when my old bishop showed up. At the request of my abuser. I don't know that he was there to support him but that's what his actions said. When he smiled at me so much of my faith slipped away. How could a man ordained by god show up here? Not for me but for someone who had admitted to being a sexual abuser. It's burned into my mind. In therapy, I even looked up protocol in the bishop's handbook and it specifically points out that if you're in that leadership position you are NOT to show up to court. There is no real proper training for bishops and no set consequences for breaking those rules (still pisses me off, someday I'll make a big scene and shape that shit up). Even though that almost killed my faith, there was no foreseeable consequence for the dude that was supposed to help me grow closer to God. It did get taken care of- years later. Another long story.

 I didn't know if I could believe in god anymore. Not only were there people within the church who let me down. But the people who hurt me said things like 'if you had more faith you would be made whole' or things like 'you can only be forgiven if you forgive' and I couldn't. I believed when I was 12 that I'd be damned for not forgiving the people who I lived with, who 'helped raise me', even though they made me go to countless depositions and appointments for my integrity to be questioned. Faith was how I shaped my life as a kid, I had complete and total belief. All of the things that were important to me were pulled out from under me. My whole foundation had crumbled.

One of the worst things that happened is I had to go in and test because even though my abuser- someone who used to be a cop, had plead guilty. His family accused me of being a liar. So I took a test out of a booklet by myself in a room for like 5 hours, it was the same questions worded slightly differently over and over again trying to see if I would answer something differently. Trying to prove that I was either a liar or not stable. They did everything in their power to get the time to hide 'their assets'/his money. The day I was supposed to take it they said the lady giving the test got sick. They postponed until I was taking all my final tests at the end of the year. Not like finals aren't stessful enough. We called the lady who was supposed give the test office on the originally scheduled day and heard her pick up the phone. She lied. Their lawyer lied to get more time. There was no way to prove that she was there in her office in court and there's no way to go back now. Things like that beat me further and further down. I stopped trusting people, especially people of authority. Lawyers don't care that your a kid, and apparently family isn't as important as money. I saw everyone had an agenda and if you don't have something to give them, you shouldn't be surprised when they try to flatten you.

I went to group therapy I watched nearly every single girl go off the deep end. I don't blame them in the least, but I was horrified looking at what seemed to be destined for me. So many of them felt broken and went looking for someone to love them only to find their desperation lead them to toxic people who used them. The most heartbreaking things were when girls got into substance abuse, watching their moms eyes get watery saying they hadn't heard from them in a couple of days. Knowing that they prayed every night for their child who ran off with someone who they thought could numb their pain might be dead from an overdose. Almost all of the girls who were LDS left the church. I've managed to stay but it's been one heck of a fight. I'm constantly revalutaing if this is what I want. I kind of think this will always be hard for me, I just am trying to do the best I can with what I know so for now it's to stay.  Group therapy helped me in a lot of ways, but the purpose of group therapy is to help you heal and help people going through a similar situation. It honestly only made me feel more isolated. It made me feel like no one got out of this alright.

When I started junior high I was afraid. Of everything. I didn't know if I could handle what was going on in my life. I felt like I had lost nearly everything. Even though I had people supporting me I felt very very alone. I couldn't see that they were there for me. I was blinded by the pain. My sleeping patterns got worse and worse as well as my nightmares. That coupled with the stigma of 'the abused go on to be abusers' made me afraid of myself, I felt so much pressure even though I'd never do something like that. I tried to fight off feeling that maybe all the pain was in my head. I was emotionally battered drained and accused of being a liar or not having all my mental faculties. I started to wonder if maybe I was crazy after months of sleep paralysis every night. I had always believed the truth would be enough, and I knew that this time that wasn't the case. 

That paired with the guilt I carried was picking away at my soul. If I had disclosed my abuse sooner, my mom wouldn't have a broken back and neck. I've been through a LOT of therapy but even now I'll catch myself saying that it's my fault. How dare I be happy, this was all my fault- the pain, my mom's injury, that if I had just ended it all everyone would be better off. Batman's guilt for his parents' death was something I felt I understood first hand, while my situation wasn't the same I could see the consequences of what I saw as my cowardice every day- everytime my mom was in so much pain she'd vomit I saw that I did too little too late. Because of all that (and purity culture) I felt deeply ashamed. So I kept it all in, it was a big secret for me. It makes me really sad that I was so terrified of letting people know what I was going through but I couldn't handle any potential backlash. So I kept it all in. Having a secret like that is so hard. I stopped being the happy perky person I used to be. I tried to just hold on. I felt like I was grasping at straws.

There's a reason Batman mask of the phantasm is my go to.

Because Batman is 'fictional' I never had to worry about betrayal, or ulterior motives. I didn't have to worry that this hero would end up just being a facade to get something. I could completely trust him. Since I felt like I could connect to something I invested, that's what lead me to pick up the issue of Batman that changed my life.

In War Games, I saw past Batman's pain to his humanity. You can see it in how he treats Stephanie who for a time becomes his sidekick. I related to her more than I had related to anyone in a long time. She was abandoned by her boyfriend, the person she thought she could love and depend on. She had to be better than what she went through even thought she felt all alone. She wouldn't become the things she was raised with or the things that happened to her. She brought out the soft side of Bruce. When she was with him I could see that he was not hard and cold, but just really someone who had been broken down and tried to rebuild. That his love really is unconditional just no one can see that through his hard exterior. I also saw one of the most important lessons I've ever learned: that family is not blood.

It hit me hard. Harder than anything had in a long time. I could see someone caring about the little guy even though he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. He should've been crushed but he helped people instead. He helped someone who I thought was just like me. He showed me to use my head to make my choices to ignore what I was feeling. I learned to grow up, much faster than I should've need too. So many of my childhood memories were tainted. I couldn't look back and see how great my birthday was when the people who made me suffer so much were the ones that sang to me while I blew out the candles on my cake. I can't be happy with memories full of wolves in sheeps clothing. Since I grew up with little brothers I watched a lot of Thomas the Train, or Justice League and because it was with them it was a good memory. Batman was something I had as a kid that I could still hold onto. Rediscovering him was like gaining back a part of my childhood.

It helped me be tough (to be fair, I didn't do it very well) to be fine when I went to school, act like life was peachy after having vivid nightmares that made me wake up in a sweat. It was so hard-  but if I was going to get through this I needed to remove my feelings for these people. To stop breaking down and get the job at hand done. Sometimes it was getting through the day, sometimes it was finding the motiviation to finish my homework. I needed to stop doubting myself or making excuses- to do what's right.

Like this. There were numerous examples but... suck it Clark.

The earliest I can remember being abused is when I was eight years old. That's when I started having terrible nightmares, suicidal thoughts, and scratching my legs so hard in my sleep that they bled. Every time I look at the scars on my thighs it's a little reminder. Even though it's hard for me to look it also shows me that I got through it. When I see those scars it makes me think that's when I stopped being the kid I had always planned on being. That's when the things that will follow me for the rest of my life started.

 

The more I got into the batman the more I related. I saw this episode of Justice League and cried. You might be thinking "You say everything makes you cry." you're correct. I also cried at a kind of dinky episode of Justice League too. Because not many people understand that when Bruce saw his parents killed he ceased to be the Bruce he and when anyone else thought he'd grow up to be. In a way, he died that night too. Because all of the things he hoped and dreamed stopped when the people who were supposed to help him get there were gone. But he didn't shut down, he picked himself up, just like I was trying to do. He was strong despite of having his ideal future removed from the playing field.

Batman showed me that it's okay to be afraid, which I think most people never learn. It was invaluable to me to see someone turn their weakness into their strength. I had lost so much of stability of my life, all the things I had counted on I couldn't count on anymore. Batman slowly but surely replaced them. If I didn't have  people I considered to be family, trust, and religion- I could hold on to honesty and dignity. Even if I was miserable I could do this. Because that's what Batman did.

He reaffirmed that I did not need to stoop to the level of the people who hurt me.

Above all I think I love him because he lost his faith in people just like me. He sees the absolute worst in people he gives everyone the chance to change over and over again even if he doesn't think they will. He knows that there is potential for everyone. He dedicates his life trying to ensure that no one else has to go through the pain he did.

 He knows he can't win this fight. But he does the noble thing anyway, he loses so much in his crusade to atone for the wrongs committed by those around him. I knew with the lies and cheap shots I probably wouldn't get much out of the seven years I went to court. But I chose to fight it even though it was exhausting because It was the right thing to do. As tacky as it sounds, without Batman I don't know if that's what I would've chosen. 

I found out pretty early in life the justice system is a joke. That spirit of the law hasn't mattered in a very very long time. The opposing lawyer literally called my mom names when he wasn't saying that I was obviously fine since I wasn't failing my classes. If you don't show signs of failing in every element in your life then obviously you're not 'that affected' by your abuse. Unfortunatly theres a flip side too- can't tell you how many times that I've heard something along the lines of "She's obviously mental unstable. Her addiction, reckless behavior etc obviously is blowing the abuse out of preportion". Yet, it's an actual strategy to tank in your life for the sake of getting a good settlement in your case. I chose honesty over getting something out of the fight even though it would be so easy to make the people who hurt me pay with just a few false facts. That even though these people were bad, doing something wrong to punish the wicked wasn't something I could do.

Best Batman movie of all time. Fight me.

 When I finally got my last day in court I wasn't even allowed to talk about half of the abuse I went through. I had fought to the bitter end only to be limited to what I could say. I knew going in that there wasn't anything that could really give me adequate justice- but I still had no idea how the justice system would fail me. That as the victim I would still be so limited in what I could even say about the people who hurt me. I will never see a penny of the seven million dollar verdict I was awarded for the stuff I went through. Poorest millionare you know fools. Holla at me if you want a pretend loan.

Yet again I relate to Batman, but this time to Tim. No kidding the legal system is bogus.

Batman has always been there for me when I needed something, even when I thought I had nothing. He never let corruption or lies bring him down. He didn't become a victim or a monster by inflicting his pain on someone else. I know that some people would make an opposing argument, but that's just not how I see it, because Batman to me is Batman in his animated series. He saves everyone he can at any cost. That's why sometimes at my house we refer to him as 'stabby Jesus' because that's exactly what he is. He embodies hope and every christlike attribute there is- inside a man who thinks spandex is a better idea than therapy. He's not perfect like Jesus but does what he can perfectly. Which happens to include non-lethal stabbing. Sometimes he falls short, but that's okay too because it shows that sometimes it's okay to fail, just to always try again. He does more than anyone could expect of a man and that's something to aspire to be like.

I saw that you could go through unimaginable pain and still be good. Batman didn't believe he was a good person, but when he thought life wasn't worth it, he changed into someone new. Someone with purpose. He never falters from his core beliefs. If you only watch one video this should be it, because this embodies who Batman really is.

kindness, decency, and honesty. That's what I want to show the world too even if it comes buried underneath the less than pleasant attributes I have.

I know, ultimate cheeseball quote.

Batman normally fights for Gotham, but when I needed it he helped fight for me when I couldn't do it by myself.





annnnd as a bonus here are some of my very favorite Batman things.

Girl Gripes

If you easily suffer from secondhand embarrassment then you should prepare yourself, because for whatever reason people tend to get all uncomfortable about having a body. I don't really think it makes sense. I also think you should do more embarrassing stuff so you stop feeling so second-hand embarrassed. Like peeing in front of longtime family friends (It's quite the story). Sometimes I wish I was born as a toothbrush.

Prepare yourself for a gripe session

Let's start with bras. You know the crazy expensive chest cages that are made to keep all your business in it's assigned seat and to hide your nips. Because we all know girl nips are a no no but guys are VASTLY different so they're just fine.

A good bra that actually fits will cost you at least thirty bucks. I've found that if you can get 2 for fifty that's the deal of a lifetime. I mean it's underwear, that's expected to bought and worn. So why the heck is it so expensive? Well, I saw some go on sale online for less than $20 a pop and ordered a lot. There weren't a lot of pictures and what was there were from a distance on models so I just figured if they didn't work out I'd return them. Fast forward two weeks, they come and luckily some worked out but to my surprise, some of them were 'sexy'. So they didn't accomplish either of the two purposes previously stated. The not sale price for just one is like sixty bucks for essentially a couple triangles of cheesecloth held together by ribbon. Of course, they weren't going to show that on the model because again girls nips that actually serve a purpose are offensive so that got blurred out. That's why I currently have lingerie in my possession. Why??

Boobs also ruin half of the graphic t-shirts I like. I used to have this REALLY cute t-shirt with batgirl's face on it, and one day I put it on and batgirl's eyes were going the wrong way. Like a chameleon. RIP to my favorite t-shirt. I have a joker t-shirt that does something similar, it is RISKY I rarely wear it, and if I do I'm not going out. Plus there's boob sweat. You know that feeling when you're playing the ocean and a piece of seaweed slides up against your foot? That's kind of what it feels like. If it's a particularly hot summers day it even shows up on your t-shirts and then you stretch and you can feel the sticky slide on your ribs. EWWW. I mean you can wear a sports bra and it sort of takes care of it but they don't do as much as regular bra so it's kind of a pick your poison.

On top of that, they get all achey when you're on your period. Like sensitive to the touch. Jogging up the stairs and you gotta hold those suckers in place or it feels like you just got punched. I guarantee you most the girls you know hold their boobs while jogging up the stairs. It's a thing. To be fair they do serve a purpose, I'm so glad I have satanic milk jugs perma-glued to my body. I guess they are soft. That's about all they have going for them.

I'm baffled by how little dudes know about girls. Especially about the differences between a girl's body and a boys. I get that school health completely fails to tell anyone anything but still- so oblivious. Especially about pregnancy and periods. Sometimes I think dudes should get punched in the balls once a month to help keep everything in perspective. To start things off about a week before your period you get PMS and if you're me, you get it BAD. Your hormones are all over the place and your emotions follow suit. I finally started my period today a week late, I've been PMSing for two weeks (yay breaking out an additional week) yesterday I cried at a Hyundai comercial. Really. Roadkill will set me off too. Then comes the blood (but at least the emotional rollar coaster is over). If my period starts unexpectedly or early you might wake up on the Japanese flag- a lovely way to start what I lovingly refer to as shark week. Or you're caught with no supplies and you have to run around to all your friends asking if they have anything you can use. All that is quickly followed by cramps. They. are. the. worst. 

this video is hilarious and wayyyy relatable

I'm sure most of you (at least girls) have heard about how women have mistaken appendicitis for their cramps. It's an intense sharp pain right shooting straight through your uterus. It's enough to stop you in your tracks for sure. You might think why would it hurt so much? Well, a period is actually the sloughing off of the uterine lining. Basically your insides tears itself apart and then evacuates just to start all over.  If you've never had a period maybe you've played mortal kombat, if so you can still find a way to relate- imagine noob saibot is a period imagine any loser as your uterus. The blood really adds.

There's all the hormones and the bloating too. It makes me feel good really pretty too (thanks to those hormonal breakouts). Of course, this goes on for 3-5 days every month for around forty years. The options to deal with this is to wear a pad which basically a tiny diaper or a tampon which is a little cotton wad you put up your who-ha. Something I think that is just fitting is that tampons were/are occasionally used to dress wounds like bullet holes. Man down- For reals.  If you're really lucky and have a heavy period you get to wear both at the same time.

What makes them even more special is that those feminine products are taxed as a luxury (and you know, viagra isn't but it's fine). Luckily that's starting to change and the government is slowly figuring out that bleeding uncontrollably out of your body shouldn't be expensive.

A little bonus snippet- when you sneeze on your period it feels like you gave birth to a jellyfish. It's disgusting. But at least you don't have a lil gremlin stealing your nutrients and kicking you in the ribs right??? 

Well if you think that all that sounds pleasant you should really look at the miracle of carrying a child.

Maybe you should give these a watch and next time it's your birthday apologize to your mom.

WRONG. First of all have you seen someone give birth? NOT CUTE. Amazing, sure. But not as so many people call it 'beautiful'. When all that's over there's a cute lil potato baby. If you were lucky enough to be mom you bleed for 2-6 weeks. So you know like two months of continuous period to make up for all the times you missed.

 I guess that's what you get for making something in va-china (I know that was a really dumb joke, I understand if you don't want to be my friend anymore).

Having a baby you gain at least thirty pounds lots of back pain. Again really sore boobs. Can't breathe. Stretch marks. Can't see your feet. Eventually you can't shave anymore because you can't reach your legs over your belly but at least you get to skip your period right? Well... That is a plus but that doesn't mean that you get to skip out on wearing a pad. The hormone changes make you have to pee way more and then baby pushes on your bladder. Basically you turn into a leaky sink. Every woman I've ever talked to about pregnancy has had the issue. Pregnancy sounds amazing.

Not to mention that pushing a baby out of all your business has to feel really good right  I mean it's natural for something the size of a bowling ball to come out of you... All that stretching MUST feel really good. Right? Well, if that doesn't sound good you probobally shouldn't think about the potential tearing and stitches you'll need. If I ever have kids I hope the dad isn't in the room or keeps it together because I know I won't. I'll also probably be really mean or be the person that accidentally breaks someone's finger from squeezing it too hard. I'm kind of a big baby and if I get stressed or feel physical pain my first reaction is to be a jerk. If someone other than a doctor told me to "push" or "keep breathing" I'm pretty sure I would combust and change into my true form (the devil) before strangling them and asking if they wanted to have the baby while I was still in labor. 

Pretty sure this is how your body feels after pushing out another body

Your boobs stay sore from nursing/pumping. Yay. You also never sleep again.

Of course, you can avoid this using birth control but what can birth control do? 

-nausea

-breast tenderness (I think boobs are basically built to just hurt)

-headaches and migraine

weight gain

-mood changes
-can be hella expensive

I know I've complained a lot but it really is amazing that we have this kind of technology- as long as you don't miss a day that is- You better be thinking of when to get your refill at the pharmacy ahead of time, can't miss that stuff.

If you aren't meme literate move on

 I've found a way around it though. Let me re-tell the one time in my life I was funny.

 I went to the doctor's office did all the usual stuff and a nurse came in and asked: "What kind of birth control are you on?" I looked her dead in the eye and without cracking a smile (which is quite a feat, I have to laugh at my own jokes- no one else will) told her "My personality." 

I haven't even talked about the unrealistic photoshopped beauty standard for a woman or slut-shaming. The list continues with mansplaining or how feminism has become a dirty word. I didn't really mention how women are constantly paranoid being out alone and how the constantly think about how they dress, I mean I don't think dudes have to worry about wearing a shirt that's a little tight and getting the wrong attention. There are totally rad things about being a girl too. I feel like there's a lot more freedom of appearance for girls. I like that wearing makeup is socially acceptable.  I mean slathering glitter all over my face and using gold to coat my eyelids is fun. It's like a mini Halloween every day. Also being able to have a kid is basically a superpower. I mean it's useless in a fight *sigh* but it's still pretty amazing. Because kids are SO cute. Once they hit about four I really like them. They get funny and spicy and they don't look like an alien. You can also teach them about Batman and they have invested interest. You're also allowed to have feelings if you're a girl. I mean you get made fun of for 'being too emotional' or get told 'you must be on your period' a lot but at least you're allowed to have them.

Boys have to deal with toxic masculinity. They are shown that they have to be aggressive and to go after women. It always makes my heart hurt seeing a cute little man gets told to toughen up for just reacting to what's going on around them. A lot of them are force-fed misogyny at a young age and never get the chance to know anything different. A lot of the things that I don't like about guys is basically what they've been shown is expected of them. So I do my best to not hold it against them because dudes have to go through a lot too. Most of which I don't know about. I just know that I ever have kids I'm going to try really hard to just teach them to treat everyone with respect and that crimefighting is the only thing that matters. I'll also make sure they have a lot of action figures, hot wheels, and baby dolls that way they get a healthy mix of everything.

Anyways I hope that you thought at the very least this was funny and gave you a little more appreciation for the chics in your life. I've got to go make a return with those transparent bras. Peace.

Post Mortem

This is the last post about the boy. So if you're sick of the subject wait for the next post.

I've had some time to think about it all. I stopped crying every day, went through the full range of a Taylor Swift album and binge-watched the entirety of Young Justice. Even though it's just a cartoon it helps remind me that my problems are trivial, I don't have to fight evil aliens and I don't have to worry about my friends being dead every time I don't hear back from them. So I got whelmed and now I need to own up to my part in all of this. I'm not perfect, not even close and so there are things that I wish I did differently. Very differently. It takes two to tango so I'm going to start with saying sorry. I hate being wrong, but I hate apologizing even more but  I was having a hard time staying medicated for a while, depression makes people extra fun so I'm sorry for that. I wish that my attitude reflected who I was a little bit better, I'm not sure if I sabotaged this or not. Additionally, I really don't think it's fair for me to put all the blame of you trying to kiss me after we were 'just friends'. I was wayyyy too flirtatious after setting that boundary with you. That's really not fair. I told you that we were just friends then didn't follow all the way through, I'm pretty sad about that. There's blame to share and I still don't think it was cool but it makes me wonder if I had a little more self-control if I would still be able to see you. Lastly, I wonder if I was a little more open if things would be different. I never ever lied to you, just so we're clear. But there were a lot of times that I thought that letting myself calm down and not be upset or angry would make things better. I'm not so sure anymore. 

Maybe if I had let you see how I felt in the moment I wouldn't be missing you. I don't regret it, I didn't want to do anything to hurt you but that also means I avoided things that we maybe should've talked about in the moment. Not to mention all the things I didn't bring up. Someone want to tell me how in the middle of a great time you say "Hey, want to hear about all the great stuff that started when I was eight and gave me PTSD?" I don't think you even know about this blog. Saying I gave you the super short version is an understatement. I wasn't willing to open all the way up to you without the commitment. I still think that was in my best interest, but maybe if you understood me more you'd feel differently, but maybe you wouldn't and that's not a risk I could take. 

To be fair I think you put in a lot of effort but I know there's a lot you don't understand. We also didn't discuss our differences of opinion on religion and such when they came up which is definitely a big deal. But that's another can of worms I didn't know if I was willing to open, it's too scary for me to discuss something so big with someone who's not in it. A lot of good things happened too. I learned that I have a lot more insecurities than I thought I did. I've never really cared about what people thought about me and when I met you that changed, that was pretty intimidating. I also never really cared what I looked like, I've never been so self-conscious of my appearance in my life. For a couple weeks I kept wondering if I was prettier, skinnier, funnier, more perky etc etc you'd still want to see me. It isn't your fault, but not feeling like you're enough is rough. Now I know what I need to work on.

I also learned a lot about myself. One thing I realized is that that you won't find someone who's going to try harder than me, sounds pretty conceited but I also know it's true. I know you saw and appreciated a lot of my effort but there are little things that you probably didn't pick up on. I'm kind of a tool but I'm a really loyal one. I've always known that just because you love someone doesn't mean they'll love you back I just know it a little better now. I see why you need to be your own number one because basically, no one is going to put you first. If you find someone who does, HOLD ON to them. There are not many people like that. You can try really hard to be what someone else wants you to be but it won't necessarily make them happy. You can let someone walk all over you and they'll still complain you weren't flat enough (can't remember where I heard that but it's truuuue.) You treated me very well almost all of the time, so even though I feel like those were the lessons I learned it's not necessarily because you did something bad. 

I've always been afraid of a 'typical' life. I wanted to do something big and eventful with my life. Like become a motivational speaker with memes, or get on the Ellen show. I've never understood the appeal of being a stay at home mom. But you made me consider what that would be like. I don't think it sounds boring anymore (I've never thought less of anyone who wanted that. I just couldn't' relate). Heck I even thought about what it would be like to go back to where you grew up out in the middle of nowhere. I think it would be really nice.

Because there's a lot of squirrels there, I would be entertained for life.

I just wanted the commitment to see where this could go. That while you were with me you weren't looking for 'the next best thing'. I wanted to see if we believed in things similarly. That's the hardest part for me, not knowing what I would've found. If things had ended after we decided we were just too different it would be hard but I don't think I would've spent weeks crying.

I still mean everything I've said. I'm still hoping you decide you've been a panini head and come back. Like some dumb soap opera. Because you're pretty great and I miss you a RIDICULOUS amount. I've also missed punching you in the mouth. With my mouth. It's been driving me CRAZY. I've almost called too many times. I'm finding ways to keep myself in check. Like the fact that it's been a couple months and you could be seeing someone. That I feel like I got played by a 31 year old that gained his fashion sense from a Sears catalog or that you still didn't know how to spell my name after four months of dating (even after I corrected you, *wince* yeah that stings). The more I think about your thought process the less it makes sense. The only conclusions I've come up with are that you're afraid of committing you just don't know you're a commitment-phobe, in which case I didn't have a chance anyway. Maybe you didn't feel anything and it was all just fun for you, that you thought you were supposed to say all that stuff but you didn't mean it but that would mean you broke your promise and I don't think that's you. My last guess is that you have no idea what you're doing and you don't think. Maybe that's why some of your words and actions were contradictory. You sent a lot of mixed signals I hope next time you figure things out a little sooner for everyone who's involved. That being said I should've clued in and been a little bit smarter for myself. You were closer to indifference than to feeling the way I do about you. Which is a pretty harsh truth but there's not another reason for you to not date me- I was just unintentionally your filler.  

I still think about you all the time but I've moved on from just being sad. I'm sure my friends are cheering because those poor saps had to listen to sooooo much of it. So I'm going to stay hopeful but no matter what I'm going to be okay. I've never been a risk taker but you changed all that, I still think that we could be really happy. I don't know that with certainty, I don't know if we'd get married or anything, but I would like to have those big discussions with you and see where it goes. My parents and my friends all really like you (even after all my whining- except one) I'm not the only one who'd be glad to see you around.  More than anything I hope you're moving forward in your life and that you feel fulfilled or happy. Hopefully someday both. I hope to hear from you but until then good luck.

I'm okay to wait for my Jim and Pam moment.

Why We 'Broke Up'

I'm writing this for me. The whole reason I even started to post stuff is so I could get out all the things that I couldn't say aloud. So, if you decide to read this you should know that it's pretty long and dramatic. I'd highly recommend getting a lil' sippy sippy before reading this.

 

If you don't drink then... good luck.

I'm starting this post with an apology to anyone I've ever made fun of for their 'bad' decisions in their romantic affairs. I really, truly didn't understand. This has turned me into a total softie and now I see what people have been talking about. So please forgive my insensitivity because this has changed how I see things completely. Those kinds of decisions are really hard, and in my case they turn you into a complete idiot. This has had me so distraught that I've been listening to Nickleback. On purpose.


When I knew I should stop dating you I almost couldn't. I thought to myself "I can't do this, it's too hard.", which is why I had to call it quits I won't sign up to be unhappy. I had hoped things would've gone very differently but this is real life and if there's anything I've learned is that it's unpredictable, messy, and whelming.

I didn't think I'd spend the first few days of the new year crying myself to sleep, but now that I've gone through some of the tears I'm ready to work through this.

currently relating to new girl much more than I'd like.

 I'm not normally the kind of person to let someone work me up so much, but it just hit me that the last time I saw you might be the last time I ever see you on purpose.  Just driving past your place forces me to catch my breath, I really wish there wasn't so much stuff I needed to do down in Provo. There are so many things in my life that you bled into, so now everything reminds me of you. I know I did this to myself but it doesn't' make it any easier.

I decided to try dating. I'd say I have a pretty prickly personality. I'm just generally uncomfortable around people I don't know which makes it a really difficult to get to know new people. That paired with my depression, anxiety, and incredibly morbid sense of humor hasn't fared too well with any of the guys I've ever tried to make the moves on. It could also be that my moves are similar to those of  a twelve year old. 

To get past the obstacle of not wanting to meet anyone and avoiding dating the people I already knew I made the fantastic decision to give tinder a shot.

Oh. Boy. 9/10 people on there are disgusting. Like to the point that when someone messages you and it only says "DTF?" they seem like a gentleman. There are things that have been burned into my brain that even I won't repeat. Even with all the letdowns, I figured it would be good because I'd get some experience and not have to deal with people I already knew. I never imagined I'd want to take a tinder date seriously, then I met you.

I always joked about being a cheap sugar baby (let's be real I'd be a splenda baby, I'm not giving out any sugar), you know to pay for college yadda yadda. I didn't really expect to date someone over ten years older than me, and while that raised a couple eyebrows it didn't make me second guess myself.

 I don't want to date a baby (also every time I'm interested in someone they get older and taller. If any of you have slenderman's number do a girl a favor and drop it, if this trend continues he's probably my soul mate). If anything I want to be the baby and have someone take care of me. I feel qualified as a twenty-year-old to say that I don't generally like like twenty-year-olds. Of course being older doesn't mean someones grown up; even though you have subtle crows feet it never stopped you from telling horrible jokes and making me laugh at something that really wasn't very funny.

Our first date was fine. It was one of the few time I've ever seen you in something other than a polo, it was a blue t-shirt with a bike on it. That date was uncomfortable, but like I said I have a really hard time warming up to people. I never know what to say when I meet someone- I have a mean sense of humor and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I had to keep talking even though there were a couple of things I said that made me cringe internally and want to run away. It wasn't perfect but not the worst. Our second date was only a couple days later. I said we should hike the G, I didn't anticipate how out of shape eating chicken nuggets made me or that your long legs would be killing me... Or that my ponytail would slide lower and lower until by the end of the night I looked like a founding father, so cute. When we got to the top I put a rock in your gatorade (I know, whose the twelve-year-old now?) but you just laughed. When we got back down you tried to show me how to skip a rock, which you quickly found that I couldn't do. We saw a bat that night too, it was the highlight for me. I wanted to name it Bruce. You said we should name it after the bat in Anastasia, which I still haven't seen. 

Even though you saw that I was basically just a big moron you still sat with me and looked at all the lights in the valley. A couple days later I was down at your apartment looking like a drowned rat because of crazy heavy rain that made me an hour late. But you still smiled when you opened up the door. I found out then you didn't really care for soda and I told you that doctor pepper was my life force. A few hours of Zelda later and you walked me to my car and kissed me. You asked me how it was (it was my first kiss) so I told you "I don't know... I don't have anything to compare it to." (I want to punch myself in the face just thinking about the fact that I said that) you kissed me again and said, "Now you do." Even I have to admit that's pretty sweet. I remember calling one of my closest friends on the way home and telling her that it was weird and that the height difference really didn't help. That I thought when I kissed someone it would be like coffee getting poured on my brain I didn't know that it would come later.

I made you watch the ring because you had never seen it, a true travesty. You kept trying to kiss me so I moved across the room because I wanted you to watch the movie. When you finally did get one your heart was beating so hard I could feel it. Which I teased you about a lot- but I had to make sure you weren't having a heart attack from old age. When we started kissing 'for reals' the first time I started laughing because it was so weird (really though why is touching mouths a sign of affection?). You asked me "What are you laughing about?" and in a split second I responded "Memes." You just kind of nodded and then kissed me again. That's why I wanted to get to know you because you just let me be dumb. You are easy going and just roll with the punches. I saw you more and more, you showed me the most incredible zombie movie which you ended up not liking because I wouldn't pay attention to you- not every movie went that way. I don't remember anything about Toy Story except that Ham says "you uncultured swine." and how at the end you told me that it might be your new favorite movie.

I think it was close your birthday when we went on a walk we went the opposite way we normally did. It was dark out and we got to a bridge you looked at me and said "It's a one in sixer"

That's when I realized I liked you. I tried to kiss you really quick, but I poked myself in the eye on your nose and I kid you not I had a headache for two days after that. You apologized profusely even though it was 100% my fault. We joked about being pirates for the rest of the night because I kept that eye all scrunched up after that.

About a week before the end of October, I asked you what we were. Our first DTR. I had been thinking about you, you had said you didn't know what to be for Halloween so I told you could be my boyfriend. Your response wasn't really clear one way or the other so I prayed about what to do. I didn't feel a strong answer so I tried to just look at it analytically. When we talked you told me you weren't ready to date exclusively and that even though you liked me you didn't think that anything was going to come of this. I went in totally prepared to stop seeing you even though it would make me sad. When you told me all that I was going to tell you that I wished you well and be on my way. That would be the logical next step but I got the strongest impression that I think I've ever had that told me "Don't." I tried to trust that feeling even though I was blown away. I didn't see it coming, but I did my best to let it come. I asked you if I was just filler for you, you told me no. So I made you promise to tell me if you ever knew that there wasn't a possibility of this going anywhere. I told you that for the time being that this was okay. I asked you to always be honest with me, especially about how you were feeling and if you started to see and kiss someone else. Even if you thought it would hurt me, because I could take care of myself. That you didn't owe me anything and that finding what made you happy is absolutely what you should do. I felt nervous but wanted to keep moving forward, I thought you were open to the potential.

I had already heard about how you grew up making little 'movies' about sasquatch with your kajillion cousins. You let me spend like two hours at a duck pond and I told you we should name every single duck. You literally caught me when I fell out of a tree. After that conversation, we went to frozen yogurt where I found out you don't like Christmas music unless it's December (which is lame, Christmas music is good). We kissed in the rain. Everything I did slowly changed into something 'we' did. The songs on the radio all turned into songs about you. I knew I was in trouble when Ed Sheeran started to make sense to me.

I thought about calling it quits because I was afraid but I told myself over and over "Don't end a good thing just because you're afraid."It did scare me, I have been very career oriented since I was twelve- the fact that I would even consider changing all the plans I had made had me in a panic. I was convinced I wasn't ready to feel all this. I didn't have my own place, a career, plans, nothing in my life felt like I was in a place to have anything even resembling a relationship. I almost called you to end it all but I hung up the phone when the phrase "If you wait until you're ready you'll wait till your dead" started echoing inside my head. My heart started beating a little faster when I saw you because I knew I was choosing this.

 I was choosing you. Until I finally let myself jump in, I knew that it couldn't ever work if I didn't give it all my effort. That I had to let go of being afraid of getting hurt because good things are worth being hurt over, if I held back I'd always look back and regret it.

I did get hurt, so this is my current mood.

I tried really hard to be kind, which meant I had to fight instinct. I even stopped telling mom jokes in your presence because of the delicate relationship you have with yours. Which might seem like it wouldn't be hard but I'm the dummy that said "Your mom" to a dude whose mom died in an accident, That little comment still keeps me up at night. I had to actively stop pushing against all the mushy moments. When you said something that made me mad I always tried to wait until I calmed down to respond. Like the time you round about called me 'sensitive'. I know you realized how unhappy I was but I wanted to poke you in your eye and then tell it to stop watering because there was no need for it to be 'sensitive'. I stayed pretty calm and didn't poke you in the eye- you're welcome. I tried to eliminate any word vomit in our conversations which lead to some long pauses but I wanted all my words to count. I came and saw you on Halloween and I felt like such a dork in my Dorothy costume with the puffy sleeves. When I left you told me how cute I was. I rolled my eyes thinking you were just mocking me because you knew that I felt pretty dumb. The way you looked at me was different than ever before. Then you told me something along the lines of  "Don't do that. Not tonight." followed by "You are so beautiful." that was disarming. I felt emotionally vulnerable without having to risk anything. I don't think I've ever felt like that before.

You teased me about always being cold, bringing a blanket with me everywhere and always wearing those really ugly fluffy socks. I teased you when my makeup ended up all over your face. Even though you don't like jaws or tacos I wanted to spend all my time with you. We watched all the old star wars movies and I told you how much I loved Leia and Han to which you responded: "well I'm kind of like Han..." I smugly replied "No. I'm Han. You can be Chewy." One of my favorite memories is when we went to a haunted house and too many people were in at once. So we decided to hang back for a minute when I kissed you a little kid ran up from behind us and said "Oh no... Mom! There are people kissing over here!" We laughed about it for the rest of the night. There was also the kid we saw pelting his brother with a stream from a supersoaker by my house that was honestly one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Through all this, I turned into the people I hate.

I still feel this way. I'm a hypocrite.

PDA. Don't get me wrong I think it's disgusting but I also wouldn't take it back. Because when I was with you it didn't feel like there was anyone else around. That has to be the tackiest thing I've ever typed. I've made fun of those people my whole life but jokes on me because here I am putting it down. I think I understand it now.

I can't believe I let my heart break over you. But the more I think about it the more it makes sense. I picked it apart over and over looking for a reason for me to feel this way. We don't have a lot in common, but we have the same sense of humor. You're not the most handsome dude I've ever met, but your laugh is one of the best things I've ever seen. You're not the most educated, but you have the quickest wit out of anyone I know. There's nothing you can give me. You don't have an amazing family I want to be a part of. You don't have any money or a career. But none of that mattered because I just wanted to be with you. That's not rational at all.

But I heard love rarely is rational. When I thought about all the little things that I thought would present issues I  realized that they didn't really matter or that we could work through them. Because you were worth it. Because even though you have gaps inbetween some of your teeth I like to look at your face. Even though we never like the same movies I would've watched them with you (although to be fair I probably still would've complained). Even though you're old enough to have your 'life together' I wasn't worried about it in the least because I know you'll get there. I even liked cuddling you even though you are always freezing to the touch and you're kind of crunchy. I mean you can't help that you're so skinny but I think your ribs could cut through furniture. There's so much more I could write but I'm trying to be mindful of what I should share, there are things that you told me that you may not want the three people who read this to know so I'm trying to make sure I'm not saying anything that could hurt you. It would be easy though to write down all the things you told me, I remember them all. Because I loved seeing what made you tick, your passions and the things that made you smile. Even if it was talking about basketball and your dislike of Lebron James and the whole thing went over my head. (This video is the only reason I even know who Lebron James is)

I put a hard pause on our 'relationship' when you told me weeks after the fact that you kissed someone else. I cried the whole way home that night, the only thing I asked for from you was honesty. I didn't want to rush you into anything, and I wanted you to be sure of your choice so I never told you couldn't do anything. It made me feel like I couldn't trust you. I started to wonder why you weren't responding to my texts super quickly and get all the 'clingy' symptoms

Don't want to be 'that' jealous girl.

. I didn't want to do that to you but even more importantly I didn't want to feel like that. So I told you that I would be willing to move past the lie of omission but not willing to repeat it. I needed you to choose. You didn't choose me, you ended that conversation with "this isn't what I wanted." When you choose the action you don't get to choose the consequence. I hope you didn't mean it like that, that conversation stung. I won't ever be okay with that kind of breach of trust, so why would you think that we could just go back to how things were? I'm not a NCMO (Is that utah slang? Do people even know what a NCMO is?) typa girl. Maybe that's what you thought all this was when really I was trying to give you some time to figure out what you wanted. I only let a couple tears out then and that's the only time you've ever seen me cry.  Because I can't make you feel something you don't. I shouldn't ask you to

That 'breakup' had me crying so hard the next day that my eyes turned into flaming meatballs in my skull. It even crossed my mind to try to make you jealous which really surprised me. I'd NEVER act on that because I'd hate to hurt someone else to get to you or to act like I was fourteen to try to manipulate your feelings. I gave it some time and I told you we should still be friends. Even though I felt hurt you were still one of my very favorite people. We're both adults and even though that mistake was a pretty shitty thing to do I remembered all of the things that make you so wonderful. You're patient, kind, dorky (it's pretty adorable), and a good listener. How optimistic you are and you see the best in people. I love how you laugh at the stuff that's gone wrong and take everything potentially difficult with a grain of salt. How you're a deeply curious person and you find everything so exciting and fascinating. You're silly and fun to be around and you don't take anything too seriously. Being around you makes me happy.

My feelings for you didn't change and you knew that. Being just friends was fine even though it wasn't what I wanted. You were such an important part of my life so I could suck it up and just deal with it.

I can't pass up an opportunity to use Dwight.

 I even came on Christmas. It was really really hard, but I didn't want you to be alone for Christmas. So even though seeing you was more bitter than sweet I went because I don't ever want you to want for anything. One night I was by your place so I thought I'd just drop by for a little bit I shot you a text and then I was on my way. We talked about our work schedules while you played Zelda. You finally got the master sword (If that's not proof I'm good luck I don't know what is). Then you said something sassy to me so I grabbed one of those Hershey kisses off your little table by the couch and threw it at you. It hit you right on the forehead. I was pretty impressed- my aim is horrible. For the rest of the night, I was throwing candy at you every chance I got. You finally grabbed my hand to stop me and then you got too close, you almost touched your nose to mine and said: "Those aren't the kisses I want." What kind of bull shit is that? That straight up sounds like something from a Hallmark movie. But I still wanted to kiss you.

You absolutely forced my hand and I wish I could be angry at you for it.

Angry like Tyra Banks on America's Next Top Model.

I'd even settle for feeling like this

But I really just feel like this

If I was angry I'd have something to hold against you, a wedge that could separate myself from the feelings I have for you. But I'm not. I'm just so disappointed. There are people who deserve my anger, you're not one of them. I didn't put any limits on our relationship except that I wanted transparency, when that didn't work I told you it was either just me or just friends, you chose just friends. Yet there you were telling me you wanted more than friendship but not the commitment. I tried to keep you in my life because you are so important to me and you made it impossible. Realizing that makes these little knots form in my stomach, it makes me feel sick.

Me flipstick-ing, at my feelings. Why you gotta do this to me?

 I had to push your face away from mine and tell you that you already made that choice. On the way home I got the most horrible sinking feeling. You had always told me how much you respected me. When you pulled that I knew that you couldn't have really meant it. That's not something you do to someone you care about especially when you know how they feel. That's when I knew I couldn't see you anymore.

I went down new years eve to tell you. You said you were proud it took you "that long" before you tried to kiss me again. I didn't let it show but out of everything that happened that made me the angriest. You were proud that you put yourself in that position? I held my tongue and didn't say "That's not self-control that's just being inconsiderate." I know how many days and hours it's been since the last time I kissed you. I know you don't understand how much I liked you and that is so frustrating. You told me you were really sorry (again) and that you 'understood' I really don't think you do. I kept it together because I didn't want you to feel guilty. Maybe you should. But I finished my 2017 by crying myself to sleep.

I actually didn't cry watching Titanic I thought it was dumb. But now that I've felt feelings maybe I will.

On the way out you stood up to give me a hug and I didn't have the heart to tell you no. I wish I did because you didn't deserve that from me. I had to pull myself away from you and made it harder on myself than it needed to be.

You still made sure I got home safe and that you told me what I always told you, that you wanted whats best for me. I'm not sure what was best for me ever crossed your mind. Because if that's how you felt you wouldn't have done any of those things that pushed me away and you would never have made me choose between my self-respect- by telling you no and my feelings for you that you didn't reciprocate- by kissing you. So I guess the reason we broke up is that I wanted to have the kind of commitment a break up takes and that's not what you wanted from me. I had been treating you like you were my Pam, but I guess you didn't want that. I put everything on the table and it wasn't enough. I didn't want to do any more of this kind of stuff. I just wanted to be with you. I wonder if I should've given you boyfriend privileges without making you commit. I think you would've lost interest before I had the chance to feel the way I do about you. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel like such a fool now. Because I had a good reason to give it all up but I held on to this feeling and now I've spent every day since we 'broke up' in the begining of december crying over you.

me at myself

 I'm still down for you like Alfred is down for Bruce. Just like I've always said I'm always going to want whats best for you. Even if it's not what I wanted.

 I don't think you did any of that it on purpose. I know you cared about me but if you had just stopped and considered how I felt- I know there's a lot of things you would've done and said differently. I think that's probably your greatest fault, your word choice. One of the first things I told you is that if there wasn't anything there for you, you'd let me know. One of the last things you told me was something like: if we were together I think we'd both feel cheated. That has been on re-run in my head. I feel like I missed something, were there signs I ignored? Did you just figure that out? Did you not remember that promise or could you not tell me?  All these questions are making me look back to when I asked you what ended your last relationship (that question says a lot about the person who answers it) when I first started dating you and you gave me a really sensible answer. Looking back at it now I really truly hope that's how it was.

Because I doubt you're losing any sleep over 'us' and I'm up every night writing this and wondering since we weren't 'together' if you'll tell the next girl the same thing or you tell her it's because you didn't disclose a kiss you should've. You probably don't deserve how I feel about you, or how I treated you. But caring for someone is not about what someone deserves. No one deserves to feel lied to, or second best. I'm not sure anyone can really deserve someone's unconditional love either. It's all about seeing the good through the bad. Loving them as they are as well as the potential you see in them. It's about choosing someone every day regardless of when it's hard. That's how I see you. Not as your mistakes that hurt me but as someone who learns and grows, someone who I know will just get better with time.

Those last couple paragraphs may have put you in a bad light and there's always your perspective. I mean I wrote all this down and I'm sure you could do the same. I'm sure there's so much I don't understand about you. I hope so much that I didn't hurt you although I can see my flaws and that maybe I did by accident. Sometimes I say things before I think, maybe I said something in a way that stung. I don't know but I hope that there's nothing I've done to you that aches. I want anyone who reads this to know that even with those actions you are one of the best people I've ever met. You just need to figure some stuff out. You're more than old enough to know that you shouldn't let someone's feelings get all mixed up if you're not interested and you're smart enough to know that you should be much more careful with what you say. Because a lot of what you told me does make you seem like a big douche bag and you're not. You're the kind of person I want to go grocery shopping with and spend way too much time deciding which ice cream to buy because it's on sale. 

All those things that hurt me only could because I cared. If I thought you were an ass I would've been out of there without a second thought. Even though I'm not the brightest, nicest, or prettiest girl. I've got some good things going for me. Because I'm loyal, I'm a good friend, I'm always honest, and I've truly tried to keep your best interest in mind when I make any decisions.  I have been realllly patient with you and that is not my strong suit. I tried so hard for this, but I can't try for you.

I wish I could, but I can't make you feel for me and I can't do both sides of the relationship, just like Nick Miller can't open that door both ways.

.

So I hope that you'll wake up one morning and think:

I hope you'll tell yourself "I'm a panini-head. I'm a thirty-one-year-old with a twelve-year-old's sense of humor and no prospects and I had a cute twenty-year-old who always made sure I was taken care of, who was crazy about me." That you'll come back and tell me that you think it's hilarious that I named my Dungeons and Dragons character Slim-Shady and that you've always wanted to date a girl who has Danny Devito as her style icon. I hope that even though I look fourteen and have bad skin you'll tell me you miss all the jokes that only I laughed at. But this is real life, not Boy Meets World. So I'm going to keep trying to move forward hoping that I'll get over it.

Loving someone and being in love are two wildly different things. One of the reasons I avoid relationships (of any kind) is because when you really get to know someone you can't help but love them. Because I got to know you, I do love you.

I can't help but think there was potential for the latter and right now that's really tough to deal with.

Seeing what people have overcome and trying new things is really amazing. I'm continually impressed by how kind you are despite everything that could've turned you bitter. How forgiving you are when it would be so easy for you to shut people out. I'm always going to wish you well and hope you're successful. I'm never going to stop caring because I got to see some ofthe things that make you so special, I wish I got to see them all.

Slowly my weekends will turn back to jamming to Metallica alone in my car while eating mexican food in a parking lot or playing Skyrim, maybe even I'll try to go out, but I'll probably just end up at Bec's eating crackers and playing with her cat. I'll eventually get myself under control but until then I'll continue watching Batman: Mask of the Phantasm every other day (I've watched it three times in five days...) and feel like I'm living it out. I know that is a very dramatic response but it's how I deal with dramatic situations. I still pray for you every night that you'll be safe and find what makes you happy, and I pray that I'll be able to let go of you, but mostly I pray that sometime soon I'll stop crying myself to sleep over a dude who just didn't feel it.

I didn't even kill your cat.