I have a lot of stuff I want to talk about, most of it is heavy and unpleasant but not today. It should be super evident that I write from the heart, my grammar and punctuation on these posts are atrocious. I’m glad to see that a whopping 25 of you have read my last post anyway (I’m not kidding that’s a lot). I said I had 100 friends the other day. I have like 300. I even got rid of 15 people who I haven't talked to in a couple years and have 50 unread friends requests I will continue to avoid. Holy shiz balls. I legit have at least mild interest in the well being of 300 people. How did that happen? I get out of my parents basement like twice a month. So I just proved myself a liar. Awesome.
ANYWAYYYYS let’s talk about my incredible talent to ruin dates. Also to generally repel the other sex, far, far away.
It probably has to do with the fact that overwhelm my dates with my walrus impression mad skillz. Or maybe that after gaining some weight, I have a Jay Leno chin. (Seriously, I have a terrible chin/double chin going on, my weight went straight there why????) It could also be that I aspire to be Jack Black and act like Dwight Schrute. I mean, I think being able to quote almost the entire Nacho Libre movie and episodes of the office is awesome. Past that the only thing I can do is fit an entire pancake in my mouth and eat eight tacos in one sitting. All in all I don't have a lot going for me.
We’re not discussing every case, because while it is few, some were actually horrifically embarrassing or really painful. So I’m going to throw out an honorable mention to all the people I’m not going to be talking about. Thank you all for disappointing me so, so much.
To kind of set up this topic, I want to tell you about the time I tried to kiss a boy. You know the movie Hitch? Seemed pretty good to me, straight forward, uncomplicated. Will Smith is the kind of guy I feel like everyone should be learning from. Well a long time ago I was playing night games with my crush. We ended up hiding behind the same bushes. It was quiet and a pretty cozy space with moonlight shining through the leaves on his face. I thought, this seems like a pretty good place to try to kiss someone, private and kind of cute that we both stumbled upon it. Of course I wasn’t thinking that he was cornered and trapped and had no easy way out and we were sitting in branches and wood chips. So I went for it. I went 90 (90% of the way) my heart pounding in my chest, I still had my eyes open because I had never done this before. He didn’t go the 10. I was not planning on this, I had to cover myself quickly, ‘smoothly’ I said “I gotchya!” and then laughed a really sad sounding awkward forced laugh. Ooops.
Rewind about two years ago. I set my friend up with this guy and they hit it off and they went to the velour to see my favorite band. I was pretty excited when they told me I should double with them. I ended up being set up with his 16 year old cousin from North Dakota who I (luckily) will never see again. He was a nice guy, the hard feelings have nothing to do with him. We went to the velour and I got to see my favorite band and I saw this really cute guy who was not my date. As my friends were weaving through the people starting to leave, I looked at him one last time. We made eye contact then I turned around, he caught up to me and I ended up getting his number, I told him goodbye. I left in a dash and went outside to catch up to everyone, he ran out and said “Wait! I didn’t get your number!” I was MORTIFIED, I should've told him I would text him. Even though I had absolutely no interest in the nice 16 year old cousin with Justin Bieber hair returning to North Dakota in two weeks, I felt sooo bad. The rest of the night was a little painful, you don't come back from that. The night came to an end and my date walked me to my door, he looked at me awkwardly, I expected a hug but he just left. I thought maybe it was because the date was pretty awkward after the velour, then I got inside and looked in the entry mirror. My bra was just out and about for the whole world to see. My shirt had mostly unbuttoned itself and no one had said anything. I have no idea how long I had been exposed. Best feeling ever.
Last year, in the winter months I went out to eat at an Olive Garden (I swear I’m the only person on the planet that thinks it’s overrated) with a group of friends. I wanted to give a waiter with incredible facial hair my number. Medium story short, Our waitress was his fiance.Thank goodness I was able to dash.
Unfortunately this made me so nervous that when in December of last year when I met freaking Derek Morgan. I was waiting in a long line at Costa-Vida, It was then the single best looking human I’ve ever seen got in line behind me. He walked in and I immediately regretted my mildly homeless signature look. The toddler behind me kept smiling at him I thought, yes. Smile at him for all of us. Why god graced the Costa-Vida of pleasant grove at around 6 p.m. on December 15th 2015 I will never know. He smiled and looked at me and said “Isn’t she cute?” All I could do was stutter nervously “yes”. My mom still hadn't found her way in to join me. I tried to collect myself and then I turned around and informed him he could skip me. He asked “Why?... Are you waiting for someone?”
I’M SUCH AN IDIOT. WHY GOD DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME? WHY? HE WAS SHOWING INTEREST IN ME IN MY NATURAL STATE. I CAN’T PICK UP ON ANYTHING.
I couldn’t believe he was talking to me and I said “Yeah... My mom.” I’m a freaking adult and I said I’m waiting on my mom, I coulve said anything but no. I said my mom. He then skipped me and I now understand he probably thought I was a minor. (Okay maybe he wasn’t interested because that would actually be crazy) On the way out HE WAS SITTING BY HIMSELF and I almost wrote on a napkin with my number on it but because of the waiter experience I didn’t do it. I let the most beautiful human I probably will ever see slip through my fingers. I will never forget you Costa-Vida man. Ever. I will name my first child after our brief moment together, he (or she) will be called sweet pork after our matching burritos. He was sitting by the door and on the way out I told him “You’re chromosomes have aligned beautifully.” Then I ran for cover. He laughed and thanked me as I left. That night I downloaded tinder hours later in an attempt to find that fine chocolate man. I remember the khakis he wore, the beanie, his incredible cardigan, the glasses the amazing suede blue oxfords. This is the one time I didn’t say enough.
I thought I found him (costa-boy) at one point and went on a tinder date with Marcus. He started playing footsies with me after he had told me he never wanted to settle down. He then implied he was ready to have kids. Who aspires to be a baby daddy? Really? That still tops most of the dates I’ve been on. He asked me what I was doing that night and I figured out that was an invitation to sleep with him, I’m sure I was quite the spectacle. I didn’t know what to say other than “You really don’t know that much about Mormons, do you?” That was fun.
After being cat-fished and a couple of dates that made me hate humanity a little bit more, I kind of took a break from dating and deleted tinder.
However, on Monday I went on a double (the second or third date of the year) with a friend. Her dad kept trying to set her up with this kid, so I figured I’d go along. Her date ended up reminding me of Michael Scott if he were an RM (returned Mormon missionary) , so that was interesting. I asked this kid I don’t really know, super nice also tall so that’s a plus. I asked him what he wanted to do with his life and he gave a real answer and then said “Or I’ll be a male prostitute.” He’s pretty funny. I really had a nice time, he was super sarcastic and either laughed or pity laughed at all of my jokes. I was thinking that I did a good job, and that maybe there was a date number two.
I asked him based on his awesome appearance (he’s the same height as batman), then I found his personality made him better. Crazy rare occurrence. I only regretted about 25-30% of what I said, I was at an all time high for confidence post-date. When I was dropping him off I thanked him for coming. I expected him to just hop out, it was pretty casual. However, I was horrified when he gave me a high-five. To be fair it was in the car and I don’t really know him, but honestly doing nothing would have been better.
I’m for sure going to die alone. I got a high five on a date from someone who may become a prostitute. I received a “Hey, at best this was good but please keep your distance.” I had no idea if I should just leave him alone or if I can even talk to him as a friend. That just feels incredibly low.
Just to be sure that I wasn’t imagining the situation, and because I truly can't take hints, I texted him Thursday and told him thanks for coming. He didn’t respond.
It’s fine, I only have a class with him for the rest of the semester.
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