Perfectionist.

I have a harmful mindset, it goes something like: If you can't get it exactly right, why try at all?

I've thought that for a long time and then I saw this and it had a HUGE impact on me.      

This is what I think every time I make a choice. I'd rather be an idiot than a coward. Lately, my middle name could either be regret or chicken nuggets, I'm full of both of those things. I'm sure there's some happy medium. I hope someday I can find it. I have been thinking that my self hatred is a thing of the past. But when I closely examine myself, it's so apparent. I sabotage myself all the time, I just don't realize it until after. I kind of joke around, I'll say stuff like "I had self-loathing for breakfast today." or "I'm not in love with myself but I can stand where I am, I am 'okay' with myself." I thought for a long time I've been really strong. But I haven't, I just have used something to distract and deflect my issues. I need to address the fact that my life has been a collection of embarrassing moments broken up by snacks. (Yeah, I stole that line from the internet, but it’s sooo good.)

The dichotomy between wanting to isolate myself so I can never be hurt and wanting to to be kind, to make friends, for people to like me is kind of tearing me apart. I need to put who I really am out there. I can't make it through life if all I ever do is hurt myself.

That gets hard, because I'm a little out there. I answer too honestly, and with too little tact. People aren't used to that, it freaks them out because they've been conditioned their whole lives to ask questions they don't want answers too. Also I laugh at my own jokes wayyyy too hard, I'm the only person who appreciates my morbid humor. But I'm going to try.

Because I'm so tired of thinking about how much I don't like myself. I'm tired of hearing "You are a failure. Who in their right mind would ever love you? No one. That's why you keep losing everyone you care about. You're not worth it. You should ashamed to even show your face." So much like that. I'm fighting an intensely in my brain. It's lasted so long and I'm beyond sick of it. I'm not saying I should think I'm the best thing that's ever happened to this planet, but I should be more proud of the things I do right. Like the number of pizzas I can eat all by myself. Or how I can put food humor In a post about depression and anxiety.

I get so nervous, and when I feel this way I either act like I have so much or so little self-confidence. I’ll share too much or too little, I'm super bubbly or so cold. I feel like I've thrown all my boundaries out a window, living my life like a broken camera lens, with no focus. So I'm going to write this. To remind myself to make more conscious choices. Because growth and comfort don't get along. I need to be braver than I have been.

When I'm by myself at night I lay there and think about all the dumb things I've ever done. I’ve memorised them, seriously I remember stuff from when I was twelve that I can’t get over. It makes me want to smash my brains out on a wall or literally light my past-self on fire. That's how I know I'm not over it, I should be able to forgive myself and move past the points in my life where I hoped I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. But I don't know how. Because even though I KNOW I'm not a worthless person, I still feel it.

Further more I HATE talking about stuff like this it because then people shower me with love, but it feels so artificial. It makes me nauseous, I find I can't trust them anymore. It’s easier to just act fine and be really goofy instead of  actually getting help. Because I just need reality. If someone can call it like they see it, and keep it raw then I appreciate what they have to say. I guess I want people to talk to me the same way as they would before I'm having a hard time. I HATE when people think I'm fishing for compliments, I'm not looking for anyone's pity. Just some of their thoughts. Without re-blogging something I already talked about too much, my ‘family’ in the past was really affectionate. It was all a facade, so I don’t like to show affection. Don’t buy me presents when it’s not a holiday, don’t tell me that you think I’m the sweetest girl you know. Don’t return a compliment just because I gave you one, I only give them (rarely because it’s incredibly difficult for me) if i’m being absolutely genuine. I’m afraid of my life resembling the past and having history repeat itself. When I say something bad about myself, I don't want people to say "no, you're not" because often times it's true. I'm not perfect. I don't want people to pretend that I am. But I feel like I need to talk about this, so here I go anyways.

Lucky me. I feel like I've caught on kind of slowly, but I'm grateful I'm not oblivious to my own bad behaviors. I can be accountable, and have true moments of self realization. I've achieved the first step which is recognizing the problem.

I need to stop pushing people who care about me away, stop 'joking' with them when the stuff I say is REALLY mean. I don't want to deal with my problems, i'd rather eat chips and go into a food coma. However, I need to learn how listen better, I'm so afraid of being alone with myself that I'm constantly spewing word garbage. I need to stop and analyze and really think. I need to be much more careful with what I say and who I say it too. I need to stop expecting perfection from myself. I need realistic, attainable goals. Because while I will never be perfect, if I don't try to be better, I'll be miserable.

I'd really appreciate any ideas on how to change bad thoughts. Not 'go to therapy' I've done that. A lot. Also if you leave a compliment that's overly sappy I WILL unfriend you. For reals, being gushy is GROSS. If you don’t know what to say, but would like to say something, tell me your favorite sauce for your nuggets. We can all bond over the incredible taste of honey mustard.

I appreciate all of you who took the time to read this whole thing. It’s long, redundant, and probably not a shining moment it your day. So, to help you feel a little bit more happy here’s this gem.