Language

You know my internal dialogue is basically a Steven King novel. Narrated by Samuel L. Jackson of course. By which I mean, every third word is the f-bomb, all I hear in my head is pulp fiction.

Unfortunately when you've hit this point the f bomb doesn't seem to really do it anymore. It used to be the ultimate insult but now it just makes me laugh. To be fair it's a pretty crazy acronym. It literally stands for fornication under consent of the king. Guess who coined the term? Chuck E. Cheese. That's right folks, Charles Entertainment Cheese a 80s/90s icon is the fiend responsible for this. Just kidding, I just wanted to use his full name (Charles Entertainment Cheese). Crazy King Henry came up with the term because he basically would try to have sex with anything that moved around him. Sure it's nasty but it's no worse than about half of what I hear from media.

I wish there were stronger words that held a little more power because right now my greatest insult is "If you were a spice you'd be flour." it comes courtesy of Tina from Bob's Burgers. I feel like that has more sting than my second favorite insult "douche canoe".

While that's the more funny end of the spectrum then there's the L word. To me, there's not a more intimidating word in the English language (excluding Batman). Being affectionate in general freaks me out. The idea of hearing those words makes me want to quickly punch myself in the face to kill those brain cells before I actually start to think about it.

I grew up hearing those words from my biological grandparents and my aunts and uncles. They all abandoned me for money (and because their heads are shoved so far up their butts that the only thing in their brains is complete crap).  That happened to me when I was a kid and I haven't liked anything mushy since. It just makes me uneasy and puts me on edge, when I hear those things I immediately prepare for that person to let me down. It's really fun. That's why I try really really hard to only say things I mean. It's also why I bully people to show affection because I don't believe any sort of lovey dovey crap. I haven't for a really long time.

looking at memes for hours a day has lead to this great discovery.

But people run around throwing the word love out like it doesn't mean anything. Or they say that they love everything and then I realize we don't mean the same thing by the word love. To be fair, I haven't always been so careful with my words. But that has all changed within the last two years. I want my words to have a lot of meaning, so when I tell someone something they know it's not just 'being nice' or avoiding an awkward conversation. That's why I've basically only told my closest friends I love them, or that I love something about someone. That is still hard. It makes me cringe because it's admitting to having feelings. Letting people know that I'll be there for them while simultaneously admitting I'm not a taco loving robot is just being too vulnerable. Not. About. That.

Not being able to trust the family I had does not make me eager to let other people into my life. In any capacity. That's why I'm not sure I'll ever say those words romantically (that's the big one). Because I feel like the people around me don't get that being 'in love' isn't really a feeling. It's a commitment.

This kind of commitment.

It's deciding to choose someone every day, even when you when you want to strangle them a little bit. Even when it's not a super fun or glamorous. When things are really hard and pushes you to edge. In moments when you want to call it quits and wonder why you're doing what you're doing. It's remembering why you started loving that person in the first place. It's really selfless. More selfless than anything I could imagine because I haven't experienced it. We're all really selfish until we have to be selfless. It's not for a lack of trying or being a bad person, but until you're forced to put someone else first on a regular basis it's impossible to know what it feels like. You can't really know what a parent's love until you have a kid of your own you'd sacrifice anything for. Same thing with having a partner. That is pretty scary to me because no matter how much you prepare you can't really ever be ready for love, it's an absolute risk. (Also, who wants cooties? Or to cross-contaminate their chapstick.)

Let's keep it that way. Use your own chapstick.

Risk isn't something I'm a big fan of (except the board game- I could definitely pretend to take over the world all day).  But maybe there's something to it. If Gotham is ever safe and I have the time to take those emotional risks I'll definitely let like two of you know. It's weird to think that a four letter word can be so life changing (I was talking about the second one we discussed...). So before you believe someone who says that they love you make sure you know what it means to them and to you. Make sure it's the same kind of love. You deserve better than to be treated poorly by the people who 'love' you. Be careful with how you use "love", who you say it to, and why you're saying it; It means different things in different circumstances. It can motivate people to change or be brave. It can hurt or heal people. It can make someone see the world in a completely different way or realize what true sacrifice is.

Love is much more than a word.