square one

I've been doing so good lately. I feel like I finally found my people (outside the semi-annual comic con in salt lake). I've been making friends. I have game nights with some of the most stellar girls I've had the pleasure of meeting. I've been more social the past couple of months then I ever been in my entire life. It's been AWESOME. I think this is why kids liked high school. I've cut ties to the people with emotionally parasitic relationships and have been really good about keeping it all together. Then there was yesterday.

The hardest part about dealing with everything is something I don't really talk about. Not really even on my blog or with really close friends. It's still too hard. Even after all this time (Great, now my eyes are uncontrollably vomiting). It literally makes me feel sick to my stomach. I lost someone I can't get over. It still keeps me up at night, the things I never said from when I was about twelve years old. It's not a relationship that can be repaired and it is soul wrenching. It's why I'm such a loud bold person now, I can't let it go and I don't want anything else to leave me feeling like this. 

Yesterday has left me numb, I'm waiting for the back slide to take me back to square one. I'll start all over again. Yesterday an ex-relative who chose a pedophile over me showed up at my work (coincidentally, he wasn't trying to find me), I knew he was coming in so I was going to leave early. He however decided to drop in WAY before his eta (you know over 5 hours early). The father of the only person who I miss enough to cry over anymore. I ran upstairs and avoided him (it was either that or go to jail for stabbing him in his stupid motherfing eyes), but I could hear him and he said something that completely devastated me. I'm surprised at how well I've been doing but next Tuesday is going to be really really hard. I don't have any more emotional energy to talk about this. I'm not sure I'll ever bring it up again. I know that the people who know me are probably like:

"WHY YOU VAGUEBOOKING?"

(I only know how to deal with my feelings through memes.)

But I just feel like I've made so much progress and life has just knocked me on my ass and is trying to push me back to a place I don't want to be in. It doesn't even feel real, being confronted with one of the only things that is close enough to something that can really hurt me.  I honestly don't know what to say, life feels like a really sick joke right now. 

Memes would be appreciated. Because I just feel like I can't win right now. I know that's not true. I know I'm going to be okay. But for right now I'm not. So I'm going to take some time to get back up from this. Normally I can bounce back up easily, not this. It's like I just took a bullet...

If I randomly lose my shit, you know why. If I randomly lose it and people haven't read this I feel bad for them. I hope someday all of my feelings are replaced by doctor pepper and pizza. Being a robot sounds really good right now. Unfortunately that probably won't happen. So I'm just going to double my brooding time for a couple days and Gotham is just going to have to take care of itself for a minute. If you need me I'll be reading comics underneath a pile of blankeys (Do I sound five? Yup. Do I care? No.). 

Please don't need me. I don't have anything left to give anyone for a couple days except the effort I'm putting into being a decent human being when people have to interact with me. SEND ME MEMES.

(Okay universe, I owe you one. Just as I was about to publish this my best friend called me. My day just got a little better.)