gratitude and for-granted

It takes a lot more than I thought it would for me to be pushed to write. Every time I try to start talking about my abuse my words come out jumbled and my heart races and my eyes water. It feels like I'm choking on air. I'll get there. I hope sooner rather than later, but I have to go at my own pace.

Today I'm going to write about what I'm grateful for and I what I feel is taken for-granted. It's easier to think about the good things even if you are a debbie-downer.

Today I'm grateful for the warm weathered winter. Winter used to be my favorite season, there's something so beautiful about a world blanketed in white and quiet. Waking up to clear mornings and cold tile floors, watching the sun rise and the world sparkle. Realizing that each snowflake compiles into thick ridges, I love how it's a collective effort. I love that the horizon matches the color of the sky and my whole world matches, unchanged, just simple white. But now I love a 'hot' winter it beats having  the metal in my mom's neck and back conducting the cold to the point where she has a hard time moving, or not getting migraines, or just throwing up. I also started having chronic hives last year. It lasted the six coldest months of the year, basically they show up because my body thinks it's a good idea (WHICH IT TOTALLY IS NOT. DUMB BODY) and they climb all over my skin and itch and burn. (They came back for this fall and winter, so shout out to them for at least being persistent) I mean I'm not really limited by the hives but they are so. Freaking. Inconvenient. Honestly, it makes me want to just take a potato peeler and just take off my skin. I feel like I could pull of being a muscly-skeleton. Too bad skin is an essential Organ. On the plus side I get to participate in no-shave-ever because if I do shave my sensitive skin will erupt in hives. My leg hair is getting pretty luxurious. I'm thinking I could definitely be a good lookin' Wookie. It's funny how I used to take for-granted just having a normal functioning body. I wish I could take it back, I don't really struggle too much with body image but WOW, I didn't even know how lucky I was.

I'm really grateful for the people who choose me. I've tried to write a couple thank you letters and would just get choked up. I can handle shade like nobody's business but if you're nice to me, I turn into a puddle of tears.

I'm so so so grateful Ms. Smithson. She gave me a necklace of a little witch on a broom, and a note about Hermione. I'm crying now just thinking about it. I wear it almost everyday. She never gave up on me during calculus. She spent a LOT of time with just me patiently re-explaining the same thing to me until I pretty sure her tongue turned to jelly. Calculus for me was the first class I really invested myself in, I normally could coast through school but Calc totally threw me for a loop.

I'm better now than I was and I'm still getting better, however I was REALLY emotionally unstable my sophomore year of high school. It carried into my junior year. Calculus was basically my only constant. It pushed me to grow in so many more ways than I can explain. I remember on a particularly bad day I was contemplating suicide, and I realized that if I attempted and was saved I would still have to make up my math homework. That made me laugh hysterically while I was crying. Couldn't try to do it that night, that was for sure. If I was going to stick around I was NOT GOING TO GET BEHIND IN MATH. So that night I found a reason to stay alive. It was homework. If that's not the lamest thing I've ever heard I don't know what is.

Math kept me going in one way or another. Class was so  comforting, I didn't have to talk to my peers, I could just focus on math. There were definitely some friends who I talked to. But it was ALWAYS about math. Brooke Baker is one of the smartest kids I know, she could've done her homework in class and finished. But instead she walked me through it step by step (which must have been painfully slow to her) that way I could practice and ask questions before I did it at my own house for hours. I hope she knows that her kindness saved my grades and my sanity. Everyday I could go into class and  I didn't drain myself because of other kids. I just did math. It was so hard. I even yelled Satan one time in math lab, because I was pretty sure that's where my assignment came from. Now, I can honestly say I love math. I don't know if I'd be around without it.

I love that there is a right and a wrong answer. I clearly defined line in the sand. Not like people who change their ideas and standards, or never give you a straight answer, leaving you hanging off the words they never meant. Math is so intricate and beautiful. Really everything is math. I started to be able to see that thanks to you Amy. It was so nice to be able to have a place in my life where the answers were all black and white. Another thing is Ms. Smithson never gave up on me. When I got the same problem wrong five times in a row, you didn't get frustrated. You didn't leave me behind. You held out for me,which is so much more than I could ever ask for. Beyond that she's my friend, she chooses to care about me. If I could be half the person she is, I would feel pretty good. I genuinely hope someday I can change somebody's life the way she changed mine.

So Amy, I want you to know I love you sooooo much (I'm pretty sure the most, sorry Kirby.)  you are absolutely one of the most talented, sassy, lovely humans I've ever met. Thank you for giving me hope, that I could do something, that I could accomplish something. That I was going to be okay. You were right, but I didn't know If I dared even try to believe theta in high school.

I wish I would've said all of this so much earlier because In case you hadn't heard there was a pretty scary lock down at PGHS. Luckily it was a fake threat, but when it started all the things I hadn't said started to come out a lot easier. I'm so grateful that everyone is okay because I can't imagine not being able to talk to you again. Yet another thing I took for-granted.

The secretaries (I don't even know where to begin with these ladies, they were probably my best friends in high school), principles (especially Mrs. Thomas), and Ms. Shelton (I will always be grateful that we read what we did, That literature changed my life. Minus Wuthering heights. I HATE THAT BOOK.) and Mr. VanDijk (I can honestly say the strongest thing to build my testimony was biology. And you taught that so well. I also love that you call me Batmadi. Best nick-name ever) definitely deserve a shout out too. All the staff do. I cannot believe the kindness I was given by the administration. If only those gosh darn teenagers weren't there my high school experience would've been the most enviable of all, even in my own fantasy it wouldn't included me.

I've also wanted to say thank you to the people who've chosen to be My family. I don't know where i'd be without them. I have some of the greatest uncles on the planet and they're not even related to me. Craig, Dan, Sean you guys are the best. Thank you for letting me talk to you about batman, movies, and books. Thanks for letting me chat off your ears. Thanks for sharing your life with me and treating me like an equal. THANK YOU. Thank you Dez for being the most amazing neighbor ever, thank you for teaching me about people who inspired the nation as well as mid-evil torture (totally was gross, but so cool.) Thanks to my sweet friends that have chosen to stick with me. Through the really bad times. Especially to Kyndal and her sweet mom for coming to my court. For choosing to give up hours and hours of your time, and listening to what happened to me. It is so comforting that I don't have to explain things to you. That you get why I'm so weird and obsessed with Harry Potter. That you understand why I'm sensitive. Because I think it would've been totally acceptable to peace out. Leave my crazy behind. Gunnar and Bec you guys better believe you're on the top of this list too.

Thank you to my awesome parents who I love so much. Thanks to my little brothers who are the most perfect (sometimes annoying) boys I've ever met. Thank you Steve and Rosie for thinking of me and sending the most amazing batman mugs of LIFE. Thanks to my actual Biological family that knows who I am. Thanks to Dean Trippe. Thanks to Sue. Thanks to Hannah. Thanks to Batman, Hermione, Harry potter, Ron. To Jessica, who is totally the best home projector I've ever met. Thank you to my young women's leaders and Ashley and Chris. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I know that I'm going to have to fill the holes inside my heart on my own. But I know If I ever feel weak I have so many people to encourage and strengthen me. All I'd have to do is ask. I want you to know If I tried saying this to your face I'd get out two words and then sob. So when you see me around just know this is how I feel.

Even though I know I'm still taking so much for granted, thank you.

If you've finished reading this You deserve an award and a THANK YOU!
 
Here you go. If you'll excuse me, I'm now bawling and going to watch Justice League. I won't stop bawling, because it's justice league. Well, If you need me I'll be crying because of something. Have a lovely day, or a good night.

I'm no fancy blogger, who bakes gluten-free no msg meals that look like art, or someone who looks good all the time and can post about how to get radiant skin. I'm far from, but I still have something to say. Education is the key to fixing societal issues, and to help me fight for justice and understanding. The horrible honest truth is that I was a victim of child sex abuse by my grandfather for a couple of years.  I didn't tell my parents, I denied (at the beginning) that it even happened. I buried it in my head far and deep down away from myself when I was seven or eight years old and it continued until I was twelve. I had the signs of an abuse victim, but because my parents had no insight into what was going on they didn't know. This is the first thing I'd like to say. Educate yourself on sex abuse stats and signs before you have to learn first hand.

"Over the course of their lifetime, 28% of U.S. youth ages 14 to 17 had been sexually victimized" http://www.victimsofcrime.org/ that's between a third and fourth of my peers. And it includes me. People want to avoid the topic because it's hard and fugly. The problem with this is that people don't understand what it does to a person, or have any clue how to address it and show support. People don't want to know about the ugly until it's their problem, which is fair because it's scary but then they tend to depreciate the severity of it. If we can change the way we think before it's an immediate issue maybe there's a fighting chance at change.  Most sexual abuse victims are victimized by a family member or family friend, making stranger-danger not as relevant as perhaps people thought. That is a hard concept to wrestle with. 

please see: http://www.victimsofcrime.org/media/reporting-on-child-sexual-abuse/statistics-on-perpetrators-of-csa That's just the brutal truth. 

There's also a lack of understanding and education about sex abuse, I think health education in high-school should be required to define and explain different kinds of sexual abuse and the proper steps to take action against the predator and receive help if someone is sexually abused. It's a big freaking deal and too many people are not taken seriously. If one person says it's rape and the other says it's consensual sex- it's rape. Liars (surprise) are good at lying. What makes me sick is how few people really grasp that concept. I understand that there are exceptions to every rule but that is the general rule. period. Predators also tend to have fairly small jail time, especially if they're women. This is unacceptable, it feels like you've died inside and that something was taken from you. That not even your own body is safe from the people around you, that you have no control. It's terrifying and the punishment should be just as severe as the abuses' consequences. I know not everyone who's been abused feels the same way, some people handle it better than others. Imagine if it happened to your loved one, your child by someone you thought you could trust your whole life. After that crippling betrayal, your kid would wake up terrified from nightmares, or cry, or cut themselves, or start on a path to self-destruction. You watch as they begin endless bad relationships and watch as they start sinking. If you can picture that I'm pretty sure that you would feel the same disgust for the lack of concern and education on the matter.

My abuse has affected me hugely about how I feel about others, but what it did physiologically to the way I think is what the real issue is. In my head, I lived in total pain for so long, but on the outside if I have my needs then people immediately rule that I'm being ungrateful or having first world problems. It's hard to be in a place where you always feel sick and like vomiting all the time. Where if you see a certain car or color of hair you immediately start panicking and feel like you're being crushed and your heart starts uncontrollably racing. It's hard to listen to teenagers joke about the word rape or pedophile because they don't know shit about what they're saying. It's hard all the time, and I literally processes information differently because of the chemical imbalance in my brain. If people could see how sickness of the mind works like a physical injury I feel like I would look like Freddy Kruger (people would leave me alone and I could wear a fedora. I wouldn't be mad at all). Then maybe people could see the struggle and learn to be supportive. 

There's also a HUGE misconception that the abused becomes the abusers. A high percentage of abusers were abused, however a low percentage of those who are sexually abused actually become sexual predators because they know how it feels. But hearing about ‘the cycle’ on T.V. or as a justification to what's been done is hard and it made me feel like I was trapped. Like the world thought I was destined to become what had destroyed my life. I'm having a hard time finding a source for that but I heard it from another abuse survivor Dean Trippe, who I met at San Deigo Comic-Con 2014. He wrote a comic called Something Terrible. Read the short version here: http://www.tencentticker.com/somethingterrible/

If you haven't read it yet, do it. Otherwise none of this is going to make sense.

seriously. Go read it.

The first time I read it I completely lost it. I used Batman to 'escape' my abuse too. I cannot tell you how important the Dark Knight is to me. He is more than a story he is more than a fictional character. He is a hugely complex man with severe pain, and then he decides to fight a battle he know's he'll lose. To try to make sure no one ever suffers like him again. It is the most hopeful and beautiful idea, sacrificing yourself in the service of others out of sympathy and empathy, he is a very flawed Christ figure. An entirely human one. He doesn't know how to say what he feels or even what he feels sometimes. He has an irrational way of thinking but through all his weakness he chooses to be Batman. He chooses to fight crime and corruption, he chooses to care enough about others to solve their problems. He chooses everyone else over himself every single time. I love Bruce Wayne, even though he can be the biggest jerk-wad ever. Sometimes I just want to yell at him to be nice, but that would defeat the whole dark theme. 

Luckily he has his Alfred, his mentor and father figure who totally reinforces and helps Batman choose the right and become an incorruptible symbol. Batman's kind of like me because I have an Alfred too. Her name is Mom. She and Alfred have the best super-power ever, it's called guerrilla parenting. But you know, I'm not a billionaire, also I hate exercising so I have no muscles, and I don't have a totally bitchin' costume. Damn it. I never thought I would find a way to express myself in a way that someone else would understand, that's why Batman is so important to me. People laugh it off when I bring it up, but I would punch someone in the face defending the caped crusader because he's done more for me than most 'real people' (I know more about him then I know about most the people who will read this- he's real to me) ever can or will. 

Dean Trippe put the thoughts that were bouncing in my skull at a million miles per hour and channeled it into words. It was unreal to finally feel like I wasn't alone because I had been afraid of myself so long after hearing about the cycle of the abused to abuser. I never believed that I was worth anything, I was treated like garbage from such a young age that I didn't understand that I would ever be worth something. It took me a really really long time to believe I mattered. That I had an opinion that mattered, that I am just as important as any celebrity or inspirational leader I've heard of. I have to say, I don't love myself. But I'm finally at a point of being okay with who I am. 

Sometimes my opinion is a little too big and imposing but I'm not afraid to stand up for myself anymore. I'm secure in being myself and not being okay. I understand that everyone goes through hard shit. Predators often use the excuse of abuse for their actions, but everyone goes through huge crap in their lives. It doesn't make yours suck any less but do not think for a moment you know a person, or that your life is harder than theirs. That was hard for me to learn but I don't have time for lots pity parties. (But to be fair no ones perfect and I spend a good amount of time brooding.)

Now comes the hard part. Backstory. Every hero has a tragic one, so I guess I'm one step closer to Batman.“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth.” That's from Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky. (Try saying that name ten times fast). Because of my abuse and the pain, I've felt I'm at least a litter better at being able to see outside myself which I truly believe few people ever (try to) do. It's a bittersweet thing and I feel I have learned through years of therapy how to maintain an emotionally healthy relationship. Thank goodness, because I've had some real anger issues. I mean who wouldn't but It was more destructive to me than being angry helped me deal with the pain. I'm not saying to not be angry. In fact, I'm really really angry. But I can channel it appropriately (Another check on the 'Batman' list) and use my pain and knowledge to help expose and fight the bad guys. Because the law didn't do it for me. 

I'm going to write more about this later but it's hard to even type when your eyes are so filled with tears you can't see. What really hurt me was more than the sexual abuse it was debilitating emotional abuse from not only my biological grandfather but my extended family. It's hard to think about someone who told you they love you leaving you to hang out to dry, that they'll choose the ignorant bliss over your truth. They decided to justify their actions against me as self-preservation when all I really needed was support and honesty. One called and asked if I was lying. that's the last time I remember hearing from them. I have a lot to say about them. So much. I hope someday there is a justice and they feel the pain they dealt out, that it makes their mouth dry and their stomachs churn. I hope they have nightmares every night like I did and that they understand that there is pain so deep that death sounds like a release. I hope like they feel like they've died a little too. I hope they actually for once they have full comprehension of their choices. I don't wish them physical pain (most days) I wish them self-reflection so deep it pierces them through their ignorance. But I can't talk about it all today.

“If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse, and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality.”

― Desmond Tutu