Today I'm going to write about what I'm grateful for and I what I feel is taken for-granted. It's easier to think about the good things even if you are a debbie-downer.
Today I'm grateful for the warm weathered winter. Winter used to be my favorite season, there's something so beautiful about a world blanketed in white and quiet. Waking up to clear mornings and cold tile floors, watching the sun rise and the world sparkle. Realizing that each snowflake compiles into thick ridges, I love how it's a collective effort. I love that the horizon matches the color of the sky and my whole world matches, unchanged, just simple white. But now I love a 'hot' winter it beats having the metal in my mom's neck and back conducting the cold to the point where she has a hard time moving, or not getting migraines, or just throwing up. I also started having chronic hives last year. It lasted the six coldest months of the year, basically they show up because my body thinks it's a good idea (WHICH IT TOTALLY IS NOT. DUMB BODY) and they climb all over my skin and itch and burn. (They came back for this fall and winter, so shout out to them for at least being persistent) I mean I'm not really limited by the hives but they are so. Freaking. Inconvenient. Honestly, it makes me want to just take a potato peeler and just take off my skin. I feel like I could pull of being a muscly-skeleton. Too bad skin is an essential Organ. On the plus side I get to participate in no-shave-ever because if I do shave my sensitive skin will erupt in hives. My leg hair is getting pretty luxurious. I'm thinking I could definitely be a good lookin' Wookie. It's funny how I used to take for-granted just having a normal functioning body. I wish I could take it back, I don't really struggle too much with body image but WOW, I didn't even know how lucky I was.
I'm really grateful for the people who choose me. I've tried to write a couple thank you letters and would just get choked up. I can handle shade like nobody's business but if you're nice to me, I turn into a puddle of tears.
I'm so so so grateful Ms. Smithson. She gave me a necklace of a little witch on a broom, and a note about Hermione. I'm crying now just thinking about it. I wear it almost everyday. She never gave up on me during calculus. She spent a LOT of time with just me patiently re-explaining the same thing to me until I pretty sure her tongue turned to jelly. Calculus for me was the first class I really invested myself in, I normally could coast through school but Calc totally threw me for a loop.
I'm better now than I was and I'm still getting better, however I was REALLY emotionally unstable my sophomore year of high school. It carried into my junior year. Calculus was basically my only constant. It pushed me to grow in so many more ways than I can explain. I remember on a particularly bad day I was contemplating suicide, and I realized that if I attempted and was saved I would still have to make up my math homework. That made me laugh hysterically while I was crying. Couldn't try to do it that night, that was for sure. If I was going to stick around I was NOT GOING TO GET BEHIND IN MATH. So that night I found a reason to stay alive. It was homework. If that's not the lamest thing I've ever heard I don't know what is.
Math kept me going in one way or another. Class was so comforting, I didn't have to talk to my peers, I could just focus on math. There were definitely some friends who I talked to. But it was ALWAYS about math. Brooke Baker is one of the smartest kids I know, she could've done her homework in class and finished. But instead she walked me through it step by step (which must have been painfully slow to her) that way I could practice and ask questions before I did it at my own house for hours. I hope she knows that her kindness saved my grades and my sanity. Everyday I could go into class and I didn't drain myself because of other kids. I just did math. It was so hard. I even yelled Satan one time in math lab, because I was pretty sure that's where my assignment came from. Now, I can honestly say I love math. I don't know if I'd be around without it.
I love that there is a right and a wrong answer. I clearly defined line in the sand. Not like people who change their ideas and standards, or never give you a straight answer, leaving you hanging off the words they never meant. Math is so intricate and beautiful. Really everything is math. I started to be able to see that thanks to you Amy. It was so nice to be able to have a place in my life where the answers were all black and white. Another thing is Ms. Smithson never gave up on me. When I got the same problem wrong five times in a row, you didn't get frustrated. You didn't leave me behind. You held out for me,which is so much more than I could ever ask for. Beyond that she's my friend, she chooses to care about me. If I could be half the person she is, I would feel pretty good. I genuinely hope someday I can change somebody's life the way she changed mine.
So Amy, I want you to know I love you sooooo much (I'm pretty sure the most, sorry Kirby.) you are absolutely one of the most talented, sassy, lovely humans I've ever met. Thank you for giving me hope, that I could do something, that I could accomplish something. That I was going to be okay. You were right, but I didn't know If I dared even try to believe theta in high school.
I wish I would've said all of this so much earlier because In case you hadn't heard there was a pretty scary lock down at PGHS. Luckily it was a fake threat, but when it started all the things I hadn't said started to come out a lot easier. I'm so grateful that everyone is okay because I can't imagine not being able to talk to you again. Yet another thing I took for-granted.
The secretaries (I don't even know where to begin with these ladies, they were probably my best friends in high school), principles (especially Mrs. Thomas), and Ms. Shelton (I will always be grateful that we read what we did, That literature changed my life. Minus Wuthering heights. I HATE THAT BOOK.) and Mr. VanDijk (I can honestly say the strongest thing to build my testimony was biology. And you taught that so well. I also love that you call me Batmadi. Best nick-name ever) definitely deserve a shout out too. All the staff do. I cannot believe the kindness I was given by the administration. If only those gosh darn teenagers weren't there my high school experience would've been the most enviable of all, even in my own fantasy it wouldn't included me.
I've also wanted to say thank you to the people who've chosen to be My family. I don't know where i'd be without them. I have some of the greatest uncles on the planet and they're not even related to me. Craig, Dan, Sean you guys are the best. Thank you for letting me talk to you about batman, movies, and books. Thanks for letting me chat off your ears. Thanks for sharing your life with me and treating me like an equal. THANK YOU. Thank you Dez for being the most amazing neighbor ever, thank you for teaching me about people who inspired the nation as well as mid-evil torture (totally was gross, but so cool.) Thanks to my sweet friends that have chosen to stick with me. Through the really bad times. Especially to Kyndal and her sweet mom for coming to my court. For choosing to give up hours and hours of your time, and listening to what happened to me. It is so comforting that I don't have to explain things to you. That you get why I'm so weird and obsessed with Harry Potter. That you understand why I'm sensitive. Because I think it would've been totally acceptable to peace out. Leave my crazy behind. Gunnar and Bec you guys better believe you're on the top of this list too.
Thank you to my awesome parents who I love so much. Thanks to my little brothers who are the most perfect (sometimes annoying) boys I've ever met. Thank you Steve and Rosie for thinking of me and sending the most amazing batman mugs of LIFE. Thanks to my actual Biological family that knows who I am. Thanks to Dean Trippe. Thanks to Sue. Thanks to Hannah. Thanks to Batman, Hermione, Harry potter, Ron. To Jessica, who is totally the best home projector I've ever met. Thank you to my young women's leaders and Ashley and Chris. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I know that I'm going to have to fill the holes inside my heart on my own. But I know If I ever feel weak I have so many people to encourage and strengthen me. All I'd have to do is ask. I want you to know If I tried saying this to your face I'd get out two words and then sob. So when you see me around just know this is how I feel.
Even though I know I'm still taking so much for granted, thank you.
If you've finished reading this You deserve an award and a THANK YOU!
Here you go. If you'll excuse me, I'm now bawling and going to watch Justice League. I won't stop bawling, because it's justice league. Well, If you need me I'll be crying because of something. Have a lovely day, or a good night.
