Sometimes, I look at my life and my heart just breaks all over again. I can't bear to get out of bed. I can't do it. The only thing that gives me motivation to move on is the notion of justice after death. I see us embrace, I know that I'll cry happy tears and my heart will be filled with light when I meet Jesus. I know that I will feel good for the rest of forever. I know he truly understands. Which is overwhelming and beautiful but makes me kind of sad because I know that's not something I'll have in my mortal life.
I know that Jesus probobally would never do this, ever. So don't let me taint JC's image for you. But some days when life feels too real I imagine after a wonderful and brief reunion he takes me to a different gate into heaven. Outside is my grandmother, much to my chagrin. The gates open and my heart sinks and she rushes to him. Never acknowledging her willful ignorance. Her lies, her voluntary actions that caused me so much pain. She just lies to herself all the way up to heaven. It's my greatest fear that she will never be caught. She will never acknowledge my suffering. Jesus stops her and is grabbing her arms he is smiling. He then promptly kicks her in the shin and says without breaking any eye contact "You dumb hoe." Yup. I fantasize over a called name and a small kick that will send her reeling into self realization. She will be a mess, and burst into tears. Jesus and I will magically drive away in a beautiful sunset in the bat mobile while flipping her off. That is heaven. That's what gives me hope. I know it's lame, and not very realistic, but at the very least it makes me laugh and puts me in a better mood. I know it will all be well.
Some people would be very offended that I would even think this way about 'the son of god' that this is intolerable and I must seek repentance. The Mormons with sticks up their butts so high, that they can't possibly think about understanding someone else's situation or pain. That's the bad of 'Mormon culture'. Not the doctrine. Most people are not so stupid to think, that my fantasy is as offensive as my grandmother lying and supporting a pedophile. But there are a very very stupid few.
I believe your religion is the relationship you have with god, or whatever you believe in. Saying I'm LDS (Mormon) doesn't really let people know how I feel. Yes I obey the commandments. Yes I'm christian, but you have no idea what I believe. We each have our own beliefs, no two people share the same exact vision of religion/god. I know we're supposed to have a perfect god. But being human I have no real concept of perfection, God is something unknowable. Untangle. Sometimes I think he's a really big jerk. I think that even prophets make mistakes, because they are not god. Don't let someone who titles themselves as a leader, a catholic, or an atheist, lead you to assume something about them. I have seen more Christianity in some Jews than I have in some 'Mormons'.
Utah county Mormon culture can be the farthest thing from christian. It blows my mind that what people really believe is the furthest thing from doctrine I've ever seen. We've been asked by our prophets not to get tattoos or many piercings, we believe our body is a gift from god and we want to treat it respectfully. How we're supposed to handle people who don't follow that commandment is with love and respect. Especially if they're not Mormon, how are they supposed to know?
Instead I've seen so many people quickly judge "Oh, they're going to hell for that." WHAT?! God has a lot more to deal with than if someone got a picture on their skin. It might not be his favorite, but he has so many bigger fish to fry.
Another would be the a total double standard for modesty, if boys are shirtless it's cool, but if a girls in a bikini top/tank top she is NOT cool. Modesty was created to help avoided being objectified. If someone isn't modest, they aren't asking to be objectified. To those who look down on others for modesty, it's you who modesty was created to try to avoid :) I absolutely hate how at times, I feel Utah county church almost teaches rape culture. That's the most unokay thing in the world.
Not only does it push people away but it makes all Mormons look like assholes. We're not, in fact I'd say the majority have brains and can think before they speak. But the few crazies happen to be loud and ruin it for the rest of us. It's very disappointing. It's just so sad to see people treat swearing or tattoos or someone who drink socially or something small like a it's carnal sin. Something unforgivable.
That's just not the case. Jesus and God love everyone. Period. Some people less than others (murderers, rapists, you know the kind of people who deserve to be cheese grated into oblivion), but still more than any human could possibly fathom.
Jesus freaking loved the sick, the afflicted, the sinners. Jesus was homeless. He loved and forgave a woman who was supposed to be stoned to death. This is our role model, not hatred.
Where did the love from us go?
I really wish that in church we were taught, genuine love and compassion and how to communicate. Not Just Jesus said this, and by the way this is a sin. How you say something is just as important as what you say. I think that leaders don't necessarily know any better, and it's not EVERY leader. But even one person that teaches to shut people out is one too many. I think there should be room for everyone in our chapel.
You look like a scary tattooed biker mo-fo? Come as you are, you are loved for who you are. You're openly gay? Come as you are, you are loved for who you are. You don't know anything about religion and only have jeans? Come as you are, you are loved for who you are.
You're inactive because of some ass hole in a leadership position that destroyed your faith in humanity? Me too. It's hard but it's okay. Come as you are, you are loved for who you are.
Don't EVER be rude to someone who's left the church. Even if they are rude, even if they say things that break your heart (Be the bigger person). You don't know why they left.
I know a girl who confessed to her bishop she was date raped by a missionary who was at the time serving on a mission. He called up the missionary who told him it was consensual. The bishop demanded she repent. She left the church. She is a good person. She doesn't need your disapproval.
My bishop (from a long time ago) showed up to my hearing. He was there to support the pedophile. I will never forget what he looked like, what he said. I almost couldn't go anymore. I almost couldn't believe.
I know an incredible woman whose husband, who was supposed to be her companion for eternity. Left her and their child crying in their drive way and left his family for his wife's best friend. They then showed up pregnant at church with each other and this incredible woman had her recommend taken away for being too angry. Honestly I have words for her old bishop. There is no commandment about anger, but he seemed to disregard the one for adultery. She doesn't need your opinion of her choice to leave. She needs love, she needs to be shown she is wanted here.
I know a man who moved because the leadership and some of the neighbors in his ward supported his ex-wife who plead guilty to being a sex abuser of their foster children. I wouldn't be surprised if he never came back.
Regardless if the issues are handled or not, sometimes its' really hard to come back. Hopefully if you report something like this to someone higher up they will deal with it. But sometimes it's so traumatic and trust is so betrayed that you just can't. It doesn't matter that they've learned their lesson. That they apologized. Because the damage is already done. Because you can't trust whose been appointed 'by the lord'. Statistically the church does fairly well with dealing those who misuse their power but their policies MUST be updated. There should be MORE training for bishops, including some actual therapist coming in telling them this is what you do if abuse is reported. There should be SEVERE consequences if they disobey the rules, there should be PUBLIC apology. (Homies up in the church head quarters, contact me so you know what the people who have been burned want. Also if you have more questions on these incidents. It's not unreasonable. We just don't want to feel like garbage that the church stopped caring about.) To be fair, the church has done a pretty gosh darn good job of taking care of issues if you look at the stats, but even one issue unresolved is one too many. So don't slam them, give them constructive criticism so we can get somewhere.
Problem is God's not down here. He plays a game of telephone through a bunch of mortal idiots, who I'm sure often get it wrong. But they're trying.
Can you imagine what it would be like if a gay christian couple came through the doors of our church? I think some people would handle it better than others. But sadly I honestly believe they would be judged and feel unable to return. God forbid they actually feel welcome right?
You definitely don't have to agree with their choices, but you can still love them. If their actions don't hurt you, then don't judge them.
God loves you for where you are at. It's okay to be where you are, people expect perfection from others and are blind to their own imperfections. Don't let them take away religion for you. Don't let them shame you for coming how you are, (still be respectful, and please actually try) come how you are. You are loved for who you are.
This is why I only attend sacrament meeting. I renew my covenants I made with god and then get out. I'm coming how I am. Imperfect, confused, angry, conflicted. I don't necessarily fit in with the others in my ward. I don't necessarily agree with them on many issues. But I suck it up and go, because they can be different than me. I'm coming how I am, even if I think there are arrogant people.
My grandmother who is now a relief society president, and a temple worker really made me question my faith. How could god allow someone who did this to me to 'work for him'? For a while I thought I wanted no part of this. I felt utterly betrayed. Sometimes I still do a little. But I'm being brave. 'Mormon' does not define me or my religion. My religion is loving others, and trying to improve myself. My religion is my personal accountability and my relationship to god. Just because she calls herself a member does not mean we share the same religion. It's still hard. It still makes me angry that bishops believe her lies. It makes me angry that part of my family threw me under a bus as soon as it was convenient. But they will not take away religion from me. They're the kind of people who are offended by bare shoulders. They do not practice understanding and love, they practice shoving sticks up their butts.
I do not attend the temple. It kind of disgusts me that so many assume it's because I did something wrong. On the flip side there are A LOT of amazing Mormons who are very mormon-y who get it. Who are hurt when people generalize about Mormon culture. Who care about everyone. Don't let one crazy scare you away. Nope. It's because if I saw my grandma in a temple, there would be a physical fight some really poetic angry words and at the end of it she might be bald. Understanding that there are REALLY bad people in the temple scares me. I don't feel safe there anymore. That kind of breaks my heart. That's the focus of the LDS faith. Good thing it doesn't have to be the center of my religion. Love is what matters most to me. People who chastise or hate others for something they are uneducated about and don't understand are not who associate myself with. Even if they call themselves Mormon.
If you can find your religion in a TV show, a song, a person, a picture than find it and spend time thinking about it and with it. There have been plenty of times in my life where Les Miz has spoken more to my soul than relief society ever could. Find it in the mountains, in the small miracles you can see everyday. Don't be little *insert favorable cuss word here*. Listen to Kansas. You can do this. Jesus sends you love, fist bumps, and dogs to help you handle the bad stuff.
Find your own religion. Go against the grain. You are not defined by someone else's understanding of membership. We live by example. If you want to be loved and respected love and respect.
