I'm talking about the dawn of justice for a second, There are no spoilers :) If you don't follow it that's okay it will make sense in the end.
Batman is someone immensely important to me. Because when I felt like I couldn't do this anymore I looked at him and I knew he had felt the same way. I knew he understood what it felt like to live with so much guilt that you live with the monsters inside your head. The monster that is yourself. It is always saying "you're a damn coward." "Why didn't you try something else?" "You could've done something." It whispers to you constantly until all your mental strength is gone. The battles in your head so intense you honestly don't know if your going to destroy yourself. If the version of yourself you want to be will die. Even if you can look at your situation logically, you believe it when you hear the monsters say "This is all your fault." Bruce Wayne's parents murder was not his fault and everyone on the planet could tell him that, but it wouldn't matter. It doesn't change he felt. How I felt.
Batman was formed out of a sense of honor, self inflicted pain, trying to right wrongs, trying to be the difference he needed as a child. These are reasons he doesn't kill. It's too traumatizing to him, to use the thing that destroyed his life. To become his own worst enemy. What makes batman a superhero is that he doesn't cross that line. It's unrealistic and sometimes illogical, but from a hurting human perspective it makes so much sense; it's truly incredible. He understands that even scumbags have family too. So when I saw batfleck with a gun, I knew I wasn't going to love this movie. If I didn't know the justice league, or care about them I would be liked the movie. But it fell so short of what it could've been, it freaking is pissing me off. Basically Zach Snyder has made a bunch of hipster impostors. Not the justice league. He also took the best stories from several story arcs and cheaply threw them in to start 'establishing the dc universe'. The thing is, they are going to suck because he's lost batman. I hope he's really proud that he has cheapened a legend, an icon, a source of hope. He has officially earned a place on my list of peoples I'd like to punch in the face. He's playing god with characters, that have become people. I really was upset by that. P.S. Zack, get your own good ideas dude. Leave my batman alone.
I promise that was all relevant, and probably only a couple of you followed that. but Bruce grows up and strives to be the person he needed. When I look back on my life I see what I needed, what I would say to thirteen year old self if only I could. I'm trying to become the person I needed, to help myself and others. I honestly needed batman, someone who didn't sugar coat things. That did what was right, not politically correct, someone that understood everyone is important. Someone that gave as much as they could, someone doing their best to help everyone out. I feel like I fall so short of what I needed, I'm not batman. I'm not very smart. I'm not someone who can solve problems quickly. I'm not loud enough. I feel like even if I scream what I have to say at the top of my lungs no one hears me. I'm not a symbol. I don't mean a thing. At best I'm an annoying, overly opinionated, confused girl. I'm trying, really hard. But I don't change enough, I don't do enough. I don't think I'm enough. I'm glad I don't hear the monsters in my head as much as I used to. I'm glad that i'm compassionate, and blunt.
But I fall so short of what I needed.
What does that mean? Do I have purpose? Is this ever going to be worth it? I don't know. Without direction I'm swallowed up by the black waters in my mind. I don't know If I should sink or swim, I'm completely unoriented and while I'm thrashing in water. I can no longer see the goals or dreams I have for myself. I'm afraid. That's how I've felt for so long. Afraid. But I keep going. I know that this fear, the pain of never being enough is going to plague for the rest of my life. How can I ever be strong enough to help myself? To be able to save myself by saving someone else? But I fight it. I wake up. I don't feel anything for days on end. I don't sleep. But I keep going. Through the ptsd that fires at me when I least expect it, that turns my life into a war zone. The insomnia that takes all the strength I can muster some days. The night terrors, that make me afraid of my safety nets. The aching depression that ate away at me for so long I didn't know if I had a soul anymore. There are days where all I do is cry because I understand I probably have eighty more years of this. Still, I keep going.
I try to make it matter. By doing something so good one day that I can say this was worth it. I guess that's what bravery is. Wow, that makes me sound like a douche bag, pegging myself as brave. But I mean it, I choose to be brave. That's what I say to myself each morning before my monsters awake. "Choose to be brave. Choose to do whats right." I know that some days will be easier, and that some days I'll be drowning. But someday maybe I'll get there. Maybe I'll escape the waters that wash over me and dilute who I am with doubt. I guess that's the one advantage I have, one step closer to being batman.
Be the person you needed for direction when your life was too much to handle. Be your idol. Be your friend. Be who you want to be. Create yourself, instead of soul searching. Even if you feel like your not enough, keep trying. You can make a difference. Hold onto yourself. I'm proud of you, and I promise If you're one of the five people who read this you made a difference to me.
Choose to be brave.
