Ships

Holy smokes, I just figured out that you can view how many people have looked at a blog post. Anniversary has been viewed 799 times. That's crazy! (Also crazy that I still don't know how blogspot works in 2017) I'd just like to say thanks for all the support. Or to the one person that looked at it several hundred times (I'm not sure if it's how many times a post has been viewed or if it's the number of different computers that have looked at it). It's been a little over two years since I started my blog. I went back and read the first entry- I've come REALLY FAR. Not only is my writing a thousand times better (except my punctuation. That has and will always be terrible.) but I'm doing so much better. I still wouldn't mind looking like Freddy Kruger (Basically pepperoni pizza looking face, a very strategically distressed vintage JCrew sweater, and a siccckk fedora).

It's nice to see progress. It's also made me think about what I want to do differently in the future to continue my personal and emotional improvements. I've been thinking about prioritizing things in my life. One of my favorite Tim Drake (Robin) quotes is "What's the point in being right if we're not willing to fight for it?" I've come to the conclusion that if you love something you'll fight for it. If you think you believe something or are passionate about something but aren't willing to fight for it- it doesn't really matter to you. I think if something matters you should make time for it. Period. No excuses. If you care about someone you'll go out of your way to spend time with them, to see how they are. If there's a cause you believe in you'll do your best to educate and actively apply it in your life. No excuses. Letting fear dictate our lives is inexcusable.

I've put a lot of time and effort into people that don't care. Which is always hard to come to terms with. It also hit me like a bunch of bricks that I realized that growing up so many of the people who were supposed to help raise and shape me never loved me. Which has made me really scared to have any type of relationship in general. But a life where I limit myself because I'm afraid is not the one I want. It's still really scary and If someone told me that I'd be where I am now a year ago I would've told them they were an absolute walnut. But here I am about to talk about ships- relationships.

I am Lego Batman.

I've had this written for about three weeks but I've been waiting to put this up and I think I'm ready. I've definitely added and got rid of a lot of stuff up until now. This is probably the most uncomfortable I've ever been putting something out there. So to deal with that I've put in a considerable amount of office references. Also if you recently gave me a giant flyswatter you are not supposed to read any further. This is not for you- this is the closest thing I have to a 'feelings journal' so peace out. Go eat pizza instead.

Seriously.

I have always told myself that I would live and die alone, that letting people into my life was absolutely stupid. So, I've spent (until recently) every weekend buying Mexican food for myself and eating alone in my car jamming to ACDC or Metallica and I was content. I believed that the risk would never pay off and just leave me wishing I had stayed numb- and even if I did meet someone I shouldn't let them in, because if I really loved them then I wouldn't want them to deal with all my problems (shout out to anxiety, depression, insomnia, and ptsd...). I didn't want them to feel like they needed to carry all my baggage or that they weren't enough, I didn't want them to ever feel like they had let me down or couldn't take care of me. Because I didn't want anyone to love me. I'm still working on that mentality- it's something I'm sure I'll always wrestle with but I've decided It's okay to let people care and more importantly it's okay for me to be happy.  I planned on being a dog mom exclusively for a long time, but for the first time since I was under 12 years old, I'm open to having a change of mind.

WHO AM I? I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE. I've occasionally 'chased' someone- knowing full well they didn't like me and just making a fool of myself. It was pretty fun with virtually no letdown and I have a couple really good stories from my escapades. I was just fine being on my own. Jokes on me because I'm pretty sure I just put myself in a real pickle. There was no emotional attachment or risk before and I'm pretty sure I just put myself in the position to be what I call getting Karened.

Yup this Karen.

I've let myself feel stuff for another person- like a sucker. I'm invested now so basically, I'm just going to be on constant edge. I've never really let myself like someone and it is legitimately terrifying- how do people manage this? I'm feeling so many emotions (okay only one but that's a lot for my cold black heart). With all the hard stuff in my life, I've had to be brave. There wasn't another option where I made it out okay, this requires something different. I have to choose to be brave for this. I feel like I'm actually good at being brave in matters of right and wrong (nearly 6 years of a broken justice system will do that to you) but emotional bravery is so not my forte, I don't want to end up living a Taylor Swift album because that's just the worst- but if I never risk anything nothing worthwhile will ever happen. At least that's what I tell myself because every time I think about it for too long I really freak myself out.

Then I have to ground myself and I ask myself is this worth it? It makes my head spin and my heart pound. I'm the kind of person that would rather stick a fork in my eye than say anything mushy but for the first time, I'm thinking a lot of mushy things. Which is alarming and a little shocking- so I'm going to write it all down. Because no matter what happens I want to remember all the little things.

I think about the time he turned on the radio and brown eyed girl came on and how he turned to me and smiled, or all the really dumb jokes I've told that he's laughed at. I remember the first time we met and how we talked about resident evil and silent hill for a long time (honestly probably too long but I love them soooo I regret nothing). Memories surface about how patient he's been with me- even with my relentless teasing. I think about what he's told me about his family (he doesn't know it that's my favorite thing about him- or maybe it was when he was covering both his eyes and he told my mom "Make sure she doesn't punch me in the throat." that could also be my favorite thing about him). I look back at our first kiss and how anytime I tell someone about it they tell me "aww that's so cute!" Which is uncomfortably mushy- but it's fine. Because they're right. That shit was basically straight out of a movie. Then I recall when he brought me doctor pepper after I gave myself a concussion, and when he got me a bunch of bug repellent and a giant flyswatter because he knows how afraid I am of spiders and how basically my workplace is Shelob's lair. I think a lot about how my heart pounds every time he gets close.

All the things I've said that might've been too much to handle or push him away but he's still here. While there's absolutely no guarantee that this will go anywhere I know that I'll be glad all of this happened.There's never been a person that's made me think that before. Until now I've never met someone who made me cry because they were so sweet- basically every time I drive home a big mess because it feels so good to have someone care about you without wanting something from you. Even if it ends, and it might; I know just because someone treats you right doesn't mean they're 'the one'.
I'll be so glad that I met somebody who changed my mind about people. As tacky as it sounds it's true. You can meet someone that will change your whole perspective.

he introduced me to depeche mode

I've done a lot more growing as a person while I've known him than I ever imagined. I've also learned that a lot of things I've believed are total crap. 

I've always rolled my eyes at the people who've said that their heart beats a little faster when they think about someone or that they miss someone they saw two days ago. Now I'm one of them. I'll never stop making fun of those people- so I'll just have to make fun of myself too. I've always thought that if I liked someone a lot I wouldn't ever be nervous. That it wouldn't be uncomfortable. I don't know what planet I was on but it sure wasn't this one. It's a little scary and out of my comfort zone, of course, it's a little uncomfortable but that's what happens when you try something new. 

I always assumed that I would leave as soon as I cried anything but happy tears. Well, I've found that to not be true either. I've cried over a pretty stupid reason and it's because I actually care about someone and it's overwhelming. This is the first time in about two years I haven't just been numb and I didn't even realize it until now. This is a huge cliche- but it's crazy to remember what it's like to feel stuff- maybe this is the first time I've ever felt this. It's a good thing. Except for the UPS guy that came into my work while I was bawling and needed me to sign off on a package. Pretty sure he was a little freaked out.

I always thought that if I ended up with someone they'd have to be really patient because I'm a commitmentphobe whose afraid of feeling anything. Well, that's not the case either.  How the turntables have turned. I'm the one who's going to have to be patient waiting for a chance. A chance- nothing more. Maybe I'm being a complete fool. But often times you go viral and make a lot of money being a fool. Regardless of the results, I'll be okay. I'll deal with it the way I deal with everything: memes, food, and office references.

I really don't like uncertainty. I've avoided it for a long time but this feels right. So I'm going to be the idiot that I always call an idiot and do it anyway. Because it's moments like this that make me think that maybe there's something to it:
"Do you know what today is?"
"No."
"A month ago today was our first kiss. August ninth was a pretty good day."

I don't know who remembers that kind of stuff (not me obviously) but that's definitely the kind of person I want to spend my time with. Someone who cares about me outside of the time we share together. It's pretty crazy that someone can make you feel so good even when they're not around. I hope I get to get used to it.