Dates are a fruit.

I have a lot of stuff I want to talk about, most of it is heavy and unpleasant but not today. It should be super evident that I write from the heart, my grammar and punctuation on these posts are atrocious. I’m glad to see that a whopping 25 of you have read my last post anyway (I’m not kidding that’s a lot). I said I had 100 friends the other day. I have like 300. I even got rid of 15 people who I haven't talked to in a couple years and have 50 unread friends requests I will continue to avoid. Holy shiz balls. I legit have at least mild interest in the well being of 300 people. How did that happen? I get out of my parents basement like twice a month. So I just proved myself a liar. Awesome.

ANYWAYYYYS let’s talk about my incredible talent to ruin dates. Also to generally repel the other sex, far, far away.

It probably has to do with the fact that overwhelm my dates with my walrus impression mad skillz. Or maybe that after gaining some weight, I have a Jay Leno chin. (Seriously, I have a terrible chin/double chin going on, my weight went straight there why????) It could also be that I aspire to be Jack Black and act like Dwight Schrute. I mean, I think being able to quote almost the entire Nacho Libre movie and episodes of the office is awesome. Past that the only thing I can do is fit an entire pancake in my mouth and eat eight tacos in one sitting. All in all I don't have a lot going for me.

We’re not discussing every case, because while it is few, some were actually horrifically embarrassing or really painful. So I’m going to throw out an honorable mention to all the people I’m not going to be talking about. Thank you all for disappointing me so, so much.

To kind of set up this topic, I want to tell you about the time I tried to kiss a boy. You know the movie Hitch? Seemed pretty good to me, straight forward, uncomplicated. Will Smith is the kind of guy I feel like everyone should be learning from. Well a long time ago I was playing night games with my crush. We ended up hiding behind the same bushes. It was quiet and a pretty cozy space with moonlight shining through the leaves on his face. I thought, this seems like a pretty good place to try to kiss someone, private and kind of cute that we both stumbled upon it. Of course I wasn’t thinking that he was cornered and trapped and had no easy way out and we were sitting in branches and wood chips. So I went for it. I went 90 (90% of the way) my heart pounding in my chest, I still had my eyes open because I had never done this before. He didn’t go the 10. I was not planning on this, I had to cover myself quickly, ‘smoothly’ I said “I gotchya!” and then laughed a really sad sounding awkward forced laugh. Ooops.

Rewind about two years ago. I set my friend up with this guy and they hit it off and they went to the velour to see my favorite band. I was pretty excited when they told me I should double  with them. I ended up being set up with his 16 year old cousin from North Dakota who I (luckily) will never see again. He was a nice guy, the hard feelings have nothing to do with him. We went to the velour and I got to see my favorite band and I saw this really cute guy who was not my date. As my friends were weaving through the people starting to leave, I looked at him one last time. We made eye contact then I turned around, he caught up to me and I ended up getting his number, I told him goodbye. I left in a dash and went outside to catch up to everyone, he ran out and said “Wait! I didn’t get your number!” I was MORTIFIED, I should've told him I would text him. Even though I had absolutely no interest in the nice 16 year old cousin with Justin Bieber hair returning to North Dakota in two weeks, I felt sooo bad. The rest of the night was a little painful, you don't come back from that. The night came to an end and my date walked me to my door, he looked at me awkwardly, I expected a hug but he just left. I thought maybe it was because the date was pretty awkward after the velour, then I got inside and looked in the entry mirror. My bra was just out and about for the whole world to see. My shirt had mostly unbuttoned itself and no one had said anything. I have no idea how long I had been exposed. Best feeling ever.

Last year, in the winter months I went out to eat at an Olive Garden (I swear I’m the only person on the planet that thinks it’s overrated) with a group of friends. I wanted to give a waiter with incredible facial hair my number. Medium story short, Our waitress was his fiance.Thank goodness I was able to dash.

Unfortunately this made me so nervous that when in December of last year when I met freaking Derek Morgan. I was waiting in a long line at Costa-Vida, It was then the single best looking human I’ve ever seen got in line behind me. He walked in and I immediately regretted my mildly homeless signature look. The toddler behind me kept smiling at him I thought, yes. Smile at him for all of us. Why god graced the Costa-Vida of pleasant grove at around 6 p.m. on December 15th 2015 I will never know. He smiled and looked at me and said “Isn’t she cute?” All I could do was stutter nervously “yes”. My mom still hadn't found her way in to join me. I tried to collect myself and then I turned around and informed him he could skip me. He asked “Why?... Are you waiting for someone?”

I’M SUCH AN IDIOT. WHY GOD DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME? WHY? HE WAS SHOWING INTEREST IN ME IN MY NATURAL STATE. I CAN’T PICK UP ON ANYTHING.

I couldn’t believe he was talking to me and I said “Yeah... My mom.” I’m a freaking adult and I said I’m waiting on my mom, I coulve said anything but no. I said my mom. He then skipped me and I now understand he probably thought I was a minor. (Okay maybe he wasn’t interested because that would actually be crazy) On the way out HE WAS SITTING BY HIMSELF and I almost wrote on a napkin with my number on it but because of the waiter experience I didn’t do it. I let the most beautiful human I probably will ever see slip through my fingers. I will never forget you Costa-Vida man. Ever. I will name my first child after our brief moment together, he (or she) will be called sweet pork after our matching burritos. He was sitting by the door and on the way out I told him “You’re chromosomes have aligned beautifully.” Then I ran for cover. He laughed and thanked me as I left. That night I downloaded tinder hours later in an attempt to find that fine chocolate man. I remember the khakis he wore, the beanie, his incredible cardigan, the glasses the amazing suede blue oxfords. This is the one time I didn’t say enough.

I thought I found him (costa-boy) at one point and went on a tinder date with Marcus. He started playing footsies with me after he had told me he never wanted to settle down. He then implied he was ready to have kids. Who aspires to be a baby daddy? Really? That still tops most of the dates I’ve been on. He asked me what I was doing that night and I figured out that was an invitation to sleep with him, I’m sure I was quite the spectacle. I didn’t know what to say other than “You really don’t know that much about Mormons, do you?” That was fun.

After being cat-fished and a couple of dates that made me hate humanity a little bit more, I kind of took a break from dating and deleted tinder.

However, on Monday I went on a double (the second or third date of the year) with a friend. Her dad kept trying to set her up with this kid, so I figured I’d go along. Her date ended up reminding me of Michael Scott if he were an RM (returned Mormon missionary) , so that was interesting. I asked this kid I don’t really know, super nice also tall so that’s a plus.  I asked him what he wanted to do with his life and he gave a real answer and then said “Or I’ll be a male prostitute.” He’s pretty funny. I really had a nice time, he was super sarcastic and either laughed or pity laughed at all of my jokes. I was thinking that I did a good job, and that maybe there was a date number two.

I asked him based on his awesome appearance (he’s the same height as batman), then I found his personality made him better. Crazy rare occurrence. I only regretted about 25-30% of what I said, I was at an all time high for confidence post-date. When I was dropping him off I thanked him for coming. I expected him to just hop out, it was pretty casual. However, I was horrified when he gave me a high-five. To be fair it was in the car and I don’t really know him, but honestly doing nothing would have been better.

I’m for sure going to die alone. I got a high five on a date from someone who may become a prostitute. I received a “Hey, at best this was good but please keep your distance.” I had no idea if I should just leave him alone or if I can even talk to him as a friend. That just feels incredibly low.

Just to be sure that I wasn’t imagining the situation, and because I truly can't take hints, I texted him Thursday and told him thanks for coming. He didn’t respond.

It’s fine, I only have a class with him for the rest of the semester.

The whole “boys get rejected more” may be true, but I feel like I should be included in that group. I even have 7 missing hoodies between my friends. I know I’m only 19 (coming up on 20 feels WEIRD) and I don’t need a boyfriend. I thought I would just share the fact that I will probably be the captain of the virgin lips club forever. I’ll be okay, until someone replaces Freddy Krueger he will stay the man of my dreams. I’m going to go join a nunnery to hide all my failures, maybe I’ll see you around.  

Perfectionist.

I have a harmful mindset, it goes something like: If you can't get it exactly right, why try at all?

I've thought that for a long time and then I saw this and it had a HUGE impact on me.      

This is what I think every time I make a choice. I'd rather be an idiot than a coward. Lately, my middle name could either be regret or chicken nuggets, I'm full of both of those things. I'm sure there's some happy medium. I hope someday I can find it. I have been thinking that my self hatred is a thing of the past. But when I closely examine myself, it's so apparent. I sabotage myself all the time, I just don't realize it until after. I kind of joke around, I'll say stuff like "I had self-loathing for breakfast today." or "I'm not in love with myself but I can stand where I am, I am 'okay' with myself." I thought for a long time I've been really strong. But I haven't, I just have used something to distract and deflect my issues. I need to address the fact that my life has been a collection of embarrassing moments broken up by snacks. (Yeah, I stole that line from the internet, but it’s sooo good.)

The dichotomy between wanting to isolate myself so I can never be hurt and wanting to to be kind, to make friends, for people to like me is kind of tearing me apart. I need to put who I really am out there. I can't make it through life if all I ever do is hurt myself.

That gets hard, because I'm a little out there. I answer too honestly, and with too little tact. People aren't used to that, it freaks them out because they've been conditioned their whole lives to ask questions they don't want answers too. Also I laugh at my own jokes wayyyy too hard, I'm the only person who appreciates my morbid humor. But I'm going to try.

Because I'm so tired of thinking about how much I don't like myself. I'm tired of hearing "You are a failure. Who in their right mind would ever love you? No one. That's why you keep losing everyone you care about. You're not worth it. You should ashamed to even show your face." So much like that. I'm fighting an intensely in my brain. It's lasted so long and I'm beyond sick of it. I'm not saying I should think I'm the best thing that's ever happened to this planet, but I should be more proud of the things I do right. Like the number of pizzas I can eat all by myself. Or how I can put food humor In a post about depression and anxiety.

I get so nervous, and when I feel this way I either act like I have so much or so little self-confidence. I’ll share too much or too little, I'm super bubbly or so cold. I feel like I've thrown all my boundaries out a window, living my life like a broken camera lens, with no focus. So I'm going to write this. To remind myself to make more conscious choices. Because growth and comfort don't get along. I need to be braver than I have been.

When I'm by myself at night I lay there and think about all the dumb things I've ever done. I’ve memorised them, seriously I remember stuff from when I was twelve that I can’t get over. It makes me want to smash my brains out on a wall or literally light my past-self on fire. That's how I know I'm not over it, I should be able to forgive myself and move past the points in my life where I hoped I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. But I don't know how. Because even though I KNOW I'm not a worthless person, I still feel it.

Further more I HATE talking about stuff like this it because then people shower me with love, but it feels so artificial. It makes me nauseous, I find I can't trust them anymore. It’s easier to just act fine and be really goofy instead of  actually getting help. Because I just need reality. If someone can call it like they see it, and keep it raw then I appreciate what they have to say. I guess I want people to talk to me the same way as they would before I'm having a hard time. I HATE when people think I'm fishing for compliments, I'm not looking for anyone's pity. Just some of their thoughts. Without re-blogging something I already talked about too much, my ‘family’ in the past was really affectionate. It was all a facade, so I don’t like to show affection. Don’t buy me presents when it’s not a holiday, don’t tell me that you think I’m the sweetest girl you know. Don’t return a compliment just because I gave you one, I only give them (rarely because it’s incredibly difficult for me) if i’m being absolutely genuine. I’m afraid of my life resembling the past and having history repeat itself. When I say something bad about myself, I don't want people to say "no, you're not" because often times it's true. I'm not perfect. I don't want people to pretend that I am. But I feel like I need to talk about this, so here I go anyways.

Lucky me. I feel like I've caught on kind of slowly, but I'm grateful I'm not oblivious to my own bad behaviors. I can be accountable, and have true moments of self realization. I've achieved the first step which is recognizing the problem.

I need to stop pushing people who care about me away, stop 'joking' with them when the stuff I say is REALLY mean. I don't want to deal with my problems, i'd rather eat chips and go into a food coma. However, I need to learn how listen better, I'm so afraid of being alone with myself that I'm constantly spewing word garbage. I need to stop and analyze and really think. I need to be much more careful with what I say and who I say it too. I need to stop expecting perfection from myself. I need realistic, attainable goals. Because while I will never be perfect, if I don't try to be better, I'll be miserable.

I'd really appreciate any ideas on how to change bad thoughts. Not 'go to therapy' I've done that. A lot. Also if you leave a compliment that's overly sappy I WILL unfriend you. For reals, being gushy is GROSS. If you don’t know what to say, but would like to say something, tell me your favorite sauce for your nuggets. We can all bond over the incredible taste of honey mustard.

I appreciate all of you who took the time to read this whole thing. It’s long, redundant, and probably not a shining moment it your day. So, to help you feel a little bit more happy here’s this gem.