But I'm afraid to shave my head because what if it's shaped funny and I look like a lame dinosaur? From there I talk myself down until I've come to the conclusion that it's not worth doing at all if I can't shave my head, and I can't shave my head.
An escape seems so nice because as I look back on my life I can't believe how naive and clueless I've been.
You might be thinking "well it can't ALWAYS have been that bad." You'd be wrong. In elementary school, I was that 'horse girl'.
I don't want to talk about it.
REALLY.
The facade of self-confidence that I've used to mask my anxiety has dissipated. I've never particularly liked who I was but some personal issues have surfaced and for a little while I couldn't even look in a mirror. It's not at that stage any more thank goodness but knowing I'm going to be stuck with myself for the rest of forever is NOT something I'm looking forward to- it's also inescapable
Pretty much anything I have ever stuffed down has come back. Issues I thought my strong will and big opinions would spare me from.
A really unreasonable amount of crud has come into my life recently, and it's worn me down. I know that life isn't fair, I don't expect it to be but right now I could REALLY use a break from all this.
I tell myself every night that tomorrow will be better. So far it hasn't been.
I've really been struggling with the loss of what I thought was my identity. Trying to get through all this so many things I thought, or lived have become irrelevant or even seem stupid. Life has become so overwhelming (yup, we've officially passed whelming) that I stopped doing the things that help me including writing which is always therapeutic for me. So I'm trying to force myself to get back into it. I've tried over and over to write about something that mattered to me to do something and I just haven't been able to.
Most nights this year I've cried myself to sleep.
Sometimes I can't because of the audacity of my nose, like excuse me? I'm sobbing quietly trying not to wake anyone and fall asleep myself and you just start running? I want to stay in my bed not get up and use an entire box of tissues on my snotty face. So rude. I can count on fingers and toes how many days I haven't cried. I could still count to that number even if I was lost in the rainforest and a rabid baboon ripped off a couple of digits (I started this months ago and wasn't ever able to finish, it was too emotionally exhausting- I've now made it past 20 days but I'm not willing to get rid of the rabid baboon bit). I cry in my car, at work, gas stations, in drive-throughs, watching videos of animals (the lady that rescued the bee- I sobbed), in the middle of Costco because the last sample was taken as I was walking up to get one (I'm so sorry Costco workers- I understand that you probably can't stand me. I'd hate it too if I saw a full grown adult cry over half a pretzel although to be fair it really wasn't about the pretzel). Luckily it's at least kind of funny, I mean I cried because my favorite contestant won the third season of the great British bake-off.
I'm trying to keep it together but I just can't. As it turns out there are far fewer people who will be there for you than you'd think. Life gets in the way, and that's not necessarily their fault. But it's hard to have people tell you they care about you and they'll be there for you when they treat you as an option for when their bored or don't prioritize you even when I've finally managed to swallow my pride and ask for something. I do have a handful of lovely people who I know if I just asked would drop whatever they were doing and be there for me, but they don't necessarily possess what I need. I'm also so frustrated because I know that I have all these wonderful things in my life, great opportunities but they're not making me feel anything. I just dig myself into a deeper hole by feeling ungrateful and angry at myself for not appreciating what I have even though I'm trying so hard. That's why I haven't been on social media or checking up on my friends. I'm just so drained and don't have anything left to give anybody, not even what I need to myself.
For years it took so much to make me cry (still cried a lot but it was over some pretty serious stuff) and now I feel like everything sets me off. Anything ranging from that's inconvenient to that's nice no matter how trivial it breaks me down because I can't handle ANY emotion. I don't understand why I feel like I'm at my constant limit because I got through so many of the things weighing on me, but the weight has just stayed. I don't know how to get rid of it, so absolutely everything is exhausting. For the better part of this year, I've spent so much time in my bed because I'm perpetually fatigued, it doesn't matter that I'll sleep for 16 hours because I wake up just as tired. Doing the bare minimum has become extremely difficult and it's a good day if I get that done. My motivation is at an all-time low so that really really REALLY helps my depression.
YEET
On the plus side I've developed some sweet skills this year:
1) I can cry on command at any time aka stop myself from holding it in I can almost always stop crying on command too
2) I'll be sobbing but sound completely normal on the phone (practice makes perfect).
3) I'm an illusionist. I can give the impression that I'm doing just fine and doing peachy (I'm an emotional Houdini)
4) I could make booger bridges to China with my constantly runny nose
5) I can eat more french fries when I'm upset than I normally can. Which is a LOT. Probably 2 or 3 potatoes worth at a time a couple times a day.
6) I've figured out how to wrestle a one-year-old to change him and he's basically a screeching contortionist- plus convince his older brother to eat a real breakfast with bribes. I feel like counts for something- being a nanny has been awesome and really challenging.
7) I'm a tiny bit better a guitar than I was I bought one in January
8) I quit doctor pepper (mostly) and have it once a week at most. Although I probably could really use the caffeine.
I haven't said anything or talked to anyone because I don't want anyone's pity. I'm not even sure I want their sympathy.
I just needed to start somewhere, there's a lot of things that are actually important to me I want to talk about but it's too hard right now. I feel like I'm one more half pretzel from turning into a nihilist. So I'm hoping that getting some of this out will alleviate the pressure because I'm tired and I haven't been very nice to the people who I do actually see and that's not cool.
I know I'll get through it because you don't have to be happy to keep going. Even if I can't handle it all I have to do is go through the motions until eventually one morning I wake up and feel better. There has been one day this year I have been genuinely happy it was in August and waking up not dreading the day is something I'm really looking forward too. I'm also grateful for my antidepressants because I can't imagine where I'd be without them I'd have DEPRESSION depression. I had SO MUCH ENERGY and I got so much done. I miss that. Luckily New Girl and tacos don't care if I'm crying.
As always I have to include things from the office that are currently relateable and make my rant about pretty much being so depressed I can't do anything I tiny bit more light hearted:
