I've told so many people who've struggled that there is absolutely NO SHAME in reaching out, asking for help, going to a therapist and getting medication. I've given the whole just because you can't see depression doesn't mean it isn't real/ a real illness shpill at least a dozen times. I really do believe that, and I would never ever think any less of anyone who tried to help themselves- in fact, I think that it's really good when people take care of themselves.
So why is it so hard for me to stay medicated? I haven't been taking my anti-depressant very much lately (that's my bad). My life has been pretty good and so I just stopped taking it.
DONT DO THAT.
I really struggle with taking my pills. I know they help, but it's still hard for me to take them. I hate the fact that I have to take a pill to feel/act like a decent human being. I know there's nothing wrong with it but the back of my brain tells me "You're not good enough." which is not true. No one wants me to have crazy mood swings and be depressed all the time, even the people who don't like me wouldn't wish that on me. But I still have the hardest time accepting that depression isn't just going to go away now that life isn't so hard. The past year has probably been the best of my life so I just thought I'd be happy.
I was wrong.
Anyone that struggles with depression can tell you how hard that is. Everything is fine but all of the sudden you're crying and so sad for no reason. It's presented some new challenges, ones that I'm still learning how to deal with.
I was diagnosed with depression at 12, I've been doing this for about 8 years you think I'd be smart enough to figure out that taking your prescribed medication in the correct amount is a good idea. I'm really smart sometimes. So I'm going to start taking it again like I'm supposed to and hopefully that solves the majority of my problem. I absolutely need to actively change my attitude, I need to re-learn how to be happy- which is a weird thing to say, but for so long I was dealing with hurt and all I could do was focus on just making it through the day. I went numb and didn't let myself feel anything. I'm letting myself feel stuff again. I hate it. A lot. I like to pretend to be a robot but I don't think that will be very fulfilling so I'm trying to open myself up and be emotionally vulnerable. I'm terrible at it. I'm like an onion (layers). Like you get past one of my emotional barriers and bam there's another- also I make people cry (because of my terrible analogies and puns). It's really scary but that's the next step to take right?
What that means is I need to make some apologies. Which I really don't want to do, but the people I spend time with deserve better. They don't deserve how I've been treating them. Life is really good right now and has a lot of good things going for me. So I need to act like it and take care of myself so I don't sabotage what I have going right.
Make sure you take care of yourself. You deserve to be happy and the people around you deserve the best version of you.
