I'm no fancy blogger, who bakes gluten-free no msg meals that look like art, or someone who looks good all the time and can post about how to get radiant skin. I'm far from, but I still have something to say. Education is the key to fixing societal issues, and to help me fight for justice and understanding. The horrible honest truth is that I was a victim of child sex abuse by my grandfather for a couple of years.  I didn't tell my parents, I denied (at the beginning) that it even happened. I buried it in my head far and deep down away from myself when I was seven or eight years old and it continued until I was twelve. I had the signs of an abuse victim, but because my parents had no insight into what was going on they didn't know. This is the first thing I'd like to say. Educate yourself on sex abuse stats and signs before you have to learn first hand.

"Over the course of their lifetime, 28% of U.S. youth ages 14 to 17 had been sexually victimized" http://www.victimsofcrime.org/ that's between a third and fourth of my peers. And it includes me. People want to avoid the topic because it's hard and fugly. The problem with this is that people don't understand what it does to a person, or have any clue how to address it and show support. People don't want to know about the ugly until it's their problem, which is fair because it's scary but then they tend to depreciate the severity of it. If we can change the way we think before it's an immediate issue maybe there's a fighting chance at change.  Most sexual abuse victims are victimized by a family member or family friend, making stranger-danger not as relevant as perhaps people thought. That is a hard concept to wrestle with. 

please see: http://www.victimsofcrime.org/media/reporting-on-child-sexual-abuse/statistics-on-perpetrators-of-csa That's just the brutal truth. 

There's also a lack of understanding and education about sex abuse, I think health education in high-school should be required to define and explain different kinds of sexual abuse and the proper steps to take action against the predator and receive help if someone is sexually abused. It's a big freaking deal and too many people are not taken seriously. If one person says it's rape and the other says it's consensual sex- it's rape. Liars (surprise) are good at lying. What makes me sick is how few people really grasp that concept. I understand that there are exceptions to every rule but that is the general rule. period. Predators also tend to have fairly small jail time, especially if they're women. This is unacceptable, it feels like you've died inside and that something was taken from you. That not even your own body is safe from the people around you, that you have no control. It's terrifying and the punishment should be just as severe as the abuses' consequences. I know not everyone who's been abused feels the same way, some people handle it better than others. Imagine if it happened to your loved one, your child by someone you thought you could trust your whole life. After that crippling betrayal, your kid would wake up terrified from nightmares, or cry, or cut themselves, or start on a path to self-destruction. You watch as they begin endless bad relationships and watch as they start sinking. If you can picture that I'm pretty sure that you would feel the same disgust for the lack of concern and education on the matter.

My abuse has affected me hugely about how I feel about others, but what it did physiologically to the way I think is what the real issue is. In my head, I lived in total pain for so long, but on the outside if I have my needs then people immediately rule that I'm being ungrateful or having first world problems. It's hard to be in a place where you always feel sick and like vomiting all the time. Where if you see a certain car or color of hair you immediately start panicking and feel like you're being crushed and your heart starts uncontrollably racing. It's hard to listen to teenagers joke about the word rape or pedophile because they don't know shit about what they're saying. It's hard all the time, and I literally processes information differently because of the chemical imbalance in my brain. If people could see how sickness of the mind works like a physical injury I feel like I would look like Freddy Kruger (people would leave me alone and I could wear a fedora. I wouldn't be mad at all). Then maybe people could see the struggle and learn to be supportive. 

There's also a HUGE misconception that the abused becomes the abusers. A high percentage of abusers were abused, however a low percentage of those who are sexually abused actually become sexual predators because they know how it feels. But hearing about ‘the cycle’ on T.V. or as a justification to what's been done is hard and it made me feel like I was trapped. Like the world thought I was destined to become what had destroyed my life. I'm having a hard time finding a source for that but I heard it from another abuse survivor Dean Trippe, who I met at San Deigo Comic-Con 2014. He wrote a comic called Something Terrible. Read the short version here: http://www.tencentticker.com/somethingterrible/

If you haven't read it yet, do it. Otherwise none of this is going to make sense.

seriously. Go read it.

The first time I read it I completely lost it. I used Batman to 'escape' my abuse too. I cannot tell you how important the Dark Knight is to me. He is more than a story he is more than a fictional character. He is a hugely complex man with severe pain, and then he decides to fight a battle he know's he'll lose. To try to make sure no one ever suffers like him again. It is the most hopeful and beautiful idea, sacrificing yourself in the service of others out of sympathy and empathy, he is a very flawed Christ figure. An entirely human one. He doesn't know how to say what he feels or even what he feels sometimes. He has an irrational way of thinking but through all his weakness he chooses to be Batman. He chooses to fight crime and corruption, he chooses to care enough about others to solve their problems. He chooses everyone else over himself every single time. I love Bruce Wayne, even though he can be the biggest jerk-wad ever. Sometimes I just want to yell at him to be nice, but that would defeat the whole dark theme. 

Luckily he has his Alfred, his mentor and father figure who totally reinforces and helps Batman choose the right and become an incorruptible symbol. Batman's kind of like me because I have an Alfred too. Her name is Mom. She and Alfred have the best super-power ever, it's called guerrilla parenting. But you know, I'm not a billionaire, also I hate exercising so I have no muscles, and I don't have a totally bitchin' costume. Damn it. I never thought I would find a way to express myself in a way that someone else would understand, that's why Batman is so important to me. People laugh it off when I bring it up, but I would punch someone in the face defending the caped crusader because he's done more for me than most 'real people' (I know more about him then I know about most the people who will read this- he's real to me) ever can or will. 

Dean Trippe put the thoughts that were bouncing in my skull at a million miles per hour and channeled it into words. It was unreal to finally feel like I wasn't alone because I had been afraid of myself so long after hearing about the cycle of the abused to abuser. I never believed that I was worth anything, I was treated like garbage from such a young age that I didn't understand that I would ever be worth something. It took me a really really long time to believe I mattered. That I had an opinion that mattered, that I am just as important as any celebrity or inspirational leader I've heard of. I have to say, I don't love myself. But I'm finally at a point of being okay with who I am. 

Sometimes my opinion is a little too big and imposing but I'm not afraid to stand up for myself anymore. I'm secure in being myself and not being okay. I understand that everyone goes through hard shit. Predators often use the excuse of abuse for their actions, but everyone goes through huge crap in their lives. It doesn't make yours suck any less but do not think for a moment you know a person, or that your life is harder than theirs. That was hard for me to learn but I don't have time for lots pity parties. (But to be fair no ones perfect and I spend a good amount of time brooding.)

Now comes the hard part. Backstory. Every hero has a tragic one, so I guess I'm one step closer to Batman.“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth.” That's from Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky. (Try saying that name ten times fast). Because of my abuse and the pain, I've felt I'm at least a litter better at being able to see outside myself which I truly believe few people ever (try to) do. It's a bittersweet thing and I feel I have learned through years of therapy how to maintain an emotionally healthy relationship. Thank goodness, because I've had some real anger issues. I mean who wouldn't but It was more destructive to me than being angry helped me deal with the pain. I'm not saying to not be angry. In fact, I'm really really angry. But I can channel it appropriately (Another check on the 'Batman' list) and use my pain and knowledge to help expose and fight the bad guys. Because the law didn't do it for me. 

I'm going to write more about this later but it's hard to even type when your eyes are so filled with tears you can't see. What really hurt me was more than the sexual abuse it was debilitating emotional abuse from not only my biological grandfather but my extended family. It's hard to think about someone who told you they love you leaving you to hang out to dry, that they'll choose the ignorant bliss over your truth. They decided to justify their actions against me as self-preservation when all I really needed was support and honesty. One called and asked if I was lying. that's the last time I remember hearing from them. I have a lot to say about them. So much. I hope someday there is a justice and they feel the pain they dealt out, that it makes their mouth dry and their stomachs churn. I hope they have nightmares every night like I did and that they understand that there is pain so deep that death sounds like a release. I hope like they feel like they've died a little too. I hope they actually for once they have full comprehension of their choices. I don't wish them physical pain (most days) I wish them self-reflection so deep it pierces them through their ignorance. But I can't talk about it all today.

“If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse, and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality.”

― Desmond Tutu