Babies

I was 14 when I decided I didn't want to have kids. I can remember the exact moment when I told myself that it wasn't something I would do. I was playing the last level of Batman Arkham Asylum, my mom came downstairs to tell me that news broke out about Josh Powell. He killed his sons and himself. My mom rubbed my back as I cried and cried. Because how could someone who brought these kids into this world do something so horrific? I won't go into it but what he did to them was brutal. I wish I could forget the details. Hearing this just reinforced something I wish I didn't believe: no matter the relationship or role, you do not ever truly know someone and you can't count on them. Unfortunately, a lesson life has taught me repeatedly is that sometimes people will hurt others because they can. It's scary to me and I can't wrap my head around it. There are people out there who will hurt you knowing at least some of the potential consequences and do it anyway. Susan had trusted this man to raise a family with and not only did he kill her but his own children. A man she probably loved and lived with for many years. No one knows what went on behind closed doors- but I'm sure she couldn't have imagined what would follow their marriage. 

Relying on someone else scares me a lot. But it turns out I foolishly need human interaction, so I end up doing it a lot. I've found people I do believe would do anything for me and I know what a blessing that is, but I still feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. It could all come crashing down in seconds blindsiding me. How could I ever have a child who I know I would love more than anything and anyone else with another person? I can gamble my own happiness and safety with someone else but I'm terrified of the idea of bringing a baby into that. Beyond that, if I did find someone who I could see a family with, the nagging thought of how fragile life is would eat me alive. You truly never know how much time someone has and if I found this perfect (for me) person what if something awful happened and I was left all alone to raise a baby?

I've also thought about the welfare of these imaginary kids so much. With PTSD and depression what would I give to them? What would they inherit? Would I be able to handle raising a whole other human when I don't always manage myself that well? Depression physically ages the mind- what if I end up with something like Alzheimer's at an early age and I can't be the mom I want to be? I'm also sure I would be the most extreme helicopter mom of all time. That surely wouldn't benefit my kids. They wouldn't experience things how/when they should because I would try to do the impossible task of keeping them from getting hurt. Ever. If  I did overcome all of these difficult things I think I would completely come apart if something ever happened to my babies.

I'm also really scared to risk having a girl. Because in my opinion, it is so much easier to teach a boy to be a good and thoughtful man than it is to try to encourage a girl to pursue her dreams but also know that she has to keep one eye open at all times. People would treat her differently her because of her gender, as she got older she would know walking by herself was dangerous and be painfully aware of every movement and sound until she reached safety. The fact that if something ever happened to her the first thing asked could very well be "Well, what were you wearing?" instead of trying to figure out how to help her. If I had a daughter she would of course be my whole world, (and probably have the middle name of Van Helsing) but I don't know how I would ever stop worrying about her even for a second. While it's so much better here, there are many places women are simply commodities and that mindset has a residual effect on so many men I see. Not all of them, of course, but far far too many. Whether they are aware of it or not I can see the misogyny around me blatantly. 

When I've contemplated the ideas of having kids I've always felt so afraid.

Then I met Ira and Ellis.

I had no clue if I could even handle kids, so naturally, I decided to try nannying. Sorry Bridget, you're in too deep now- so I can say your kids ended up being guinea pigs for me. I never truly understood (there were times I thought I did) why people wanted to be moms until I got to know them. But it clicked, and now I get it. Those boys are the best thing to come into my life in a really really trying time. I'm not ready to talk about the past couple of years but there have been much more days crying than not. I started watching them in august of 2018 and I can honestly say I don't know where I'd be without them.

I can't tell you how many times I'd go sit on the stairs of their first house (out of sight) for a couple minutes while I was with the boys and just sit there and cry. It honestly was probably almost every day. But those boys gave me a reason to wipe away the tears and put a smile back on my face and go do something. It got so much easier to get out of bed in the morning knowing I was going to see them and honestly it's been the best part of my day for years. I'm crying writing this because of the deep gratitude I feel for that family. I don't think Bridget (the boys' momma) realizes what her kindness has done for me. No matter how long I want to linger, she never asks me to leave or makes me feel uncomfortable for staying when she gets home. She has chosen to be my friend. She regularly invites me to stay for lunch or go with them if they're doing something. Before quarantine, I had a particularity hard day and she let me come hang out with her whole family and I stayed until 11 P.M. Ira fell asleep right next to me and I got to put him to bed. Being at her house I get to soak up their little family life and I don't think there's anything more enviable than what she has right now. I'm not saying it's perfect and I've seen her handle really hard situation beautifully. But seeing how much she loves her husband and how they love their kids is something I wish I saw far more often. 

I've been able to watch Ira go from pre-k 1 day a week to every week day. I got to see him do monkey bars for the first time and learn how to ride his real bike. I got to see Ellis learn to walk, talk, and overall be the most dramatic and sassy little kid I've ever met. I still remember the first time Ira said he loved me- it was super casual and he was playing with a train but I totally cried because I knew he meant it. When those boys are sick and just want to snuggle it's the best feeling to just have them lay their sweet little heads on my chest and rub their backs until they go to sleep. Indoctrinating Ellis to love Batman has also gone off without a hitch, which is great because we're going to watch ALL the Batman cartoons. They take interest in what I'm doing and want me to be around not because they want something from me, they just want me. They love to both sit in my lap while I read books, sometimes the same one until I can't take it anymore (that's about 7 times in a day). Ira LOVES to play board games and we are pretty pro at sorry. I won't ever play chutes and ladders again though- pretty sure they use the board as the wallpaper in hell. If I do my makeup whiles I'm there Ellis is thrilled to have a brush or a "Booty Bender" which is why I've started bringing two so he can play with one. Being able to give them kisses, help their boo-boos, and play with them is the most peace I've felt in a really long time.

There is truly nothing more rewarding than spending time with those babes. When I go out and people mistake me for their mom it makes me feel so proud that others think these little dudes are related to me. It totally makes Ellis destroying everything in his path worth it.

They have given me hope when I needed it the very most. I'm not 100% sure what I believe but I know that getting to be with those boys was divine intervention. They deserve the best version of me. It's so much easier to get there when I'm with them. Seeing them has convinced me to keep my mind open and hope it changes as life goes on. Because they make me so much happier than I knew I could be. If I don't have kids I'll be doubly grateful that I got to help raise these boys and got to at least taste what it's like to be a mom. That privilege is not lost on me, I'm so lucky an entire family chose to love me. These parents trust me enough to leave their kids with me, I feel like that's the highest compliment I could ever receive. Last day I saw them before quarantine one at a time the boys slowly made their way to my lap while we were watching a movie. I didn't ask to snuggle, I didn't tell them to come to me, they came because they were comfortable there. In that little action, I could see that they wanted to be with me not because they needed something or wanted something but because they love me. It made my heart burst and started silently crying holding those sweet boys. When Ellis turned around and saw me he said "Scout! Oh no!" I didn't know how to explain happy tears to a two-year-old so he was very concerned for me until I got it back together. I know that they're not my kids, but I love them so much I can't imagine how it would be possible to love anybody else more.

I always thought falling in love was such a cliché and the phrases that come with it still makes me roll my eyes. But they're pretty much all true. I think kids love is perhaps the purest there is. There is no agenda behind them, I don't have to question their motives, they are completely trustworthy and around them, I never doubt my worth. They truly feel like home. That feeling is something I didn't even know I was looking for but now I think I get why so many people want to have a family. 

These tiny, hopeful, wonderful people have made me question the things I've hated that I believed. Their innocent wonder and honesty have softened my heart for the first time. I don't know very much, but I do know that I'm open to more things than I ever have been because of these little guys. I know that Ellis will grow out of saying fi-no-ni-a instead of Fiona (his cousin), he won't always grab my ears when he goes to give me a slobbery (kinda gross) kiss. That Ira won't always want to watch Pokémon. But I know I'll never forget it about them.

That's why if I ever did have a tiny person of my own part of their name would be Iris.

It's my favorite flower, the name of Flash's wife, but for me it means Ira+Ellis.