I really hoped that I wouldn't still feel this way. It's been almost two years and a text completely unwound me. I kept reading into it, hoping that 'it was a sign' but a text is just a text. It's not an invitation back into someone's life. There's nothing I'd love more than to reply but by the time I tried it was a novel. I just can't respond without looking like I'm nuts, so even though I want to I just won't respond at all.
This dude is a straight-up wizard or something because I'm completely wrapped around his finger. I wish that I would've made peace with everything that transpired. I wish that didn't turn my stomach into a little knot every time I think about him and I wish I didn't think about him so much. But this month is his birthday month, it makes me so so sad that I won't be celebrating him.
There are so many things I wish I could go back and change but I can't. Unfortunately pain and feeling humiliated are pretty much the best teachers because it's not a slow learning curve you just get smacked in the ass so hard that all of the sudden things are put into perspective. I'm terrible at all the smushy stuff but I tried. I mostly took things from rom-coms because my idea of how to show love isn't the typical stuff- I don't trust anyone that I deem too affectionate. It's so easy for me to be mean. But even when I was hurt or upset I did my best not to fight him because I didn't want to waste my time with one of the people I cherished the most by being angry. That was absolutely a first and I wish instead I struck a balance, some of those things still make me cry and I wish I had said something instead of letting it slip. I've never been passive, but for him, I really REALLY tried to be nice. I tried to keep in mind that just because something set off red flags in my brain didn't actually mean that there was anything wrong. I tried my hardest to be affectionate and show him how I felt and it wasn't good enough.
A lot of our relationship was superficial. But what wasn't meant so much to me. I'm sure I sent weird signals. I'd get overwhelmed and do something dumb. I can't even number the times I'd end up 'decompression' crying after I saw him because I don't know how to deal with all those feelings. It brought things to the surface that I had buried because I had to immediately handle what was in front of me. I wonder all the time if I figured out how to actually say what I was thinking if things would be different. I wanted so badly for him to be my person, and honestly, I still do. But I rarely talked to him about things that really mattered. I wanted to tell him about my insecurities and shortcomings, but I didn't know how to address or maybe was too afraid to bring up everything that made me feel vulnerable. I just don't know how to not miss him. It's INFURIATING that he's so great. If he'd just kick a dog and take ice cream from a kid I could get over it.
I hate that I placed expectations on him- it's not fair of me. It drives me crazy and makes me mad that I want something from someone I can't get for myself. I've tried to be careful to avoid that. But here I am a soupy mess about it and there are so many things I can't stop thinking about. One of them was the Christmas I spent with him. I gave him a kettle full of things we'd done/seen together. A mini-golf pencil from our first date, a stick from the tree I 'fell out' of, stuff like that. it was 100% based on Jim's gift from the office because I'm not romantic so basically I just steal other ideas from the t.v. and movies.
It also came with a note which never ended up in his hands. It's in the back in one of my top drawer. I haven't looked at it since because it's too painful and because I'm not ready to get rid of it. I put so many things in there, how I felt about him and why he was pretty much my favorite person. I put in some really private things that I don't know if I've told anyone and they are way too hard for me to say out loud. I wanted him to know how hard I had to try. How easy it is for me to be defensive and even cruel and how emotional or physical intimacy fills me immediately with guilt and that even after years of therapy it's still really really hard (actually to the point where I'm going to be going back to therapy again YEET). I wanted to tell him that even though it was so hard, overwhelming, and sometimes painful for me, I thought he was worth it. and that I hoped he'd be patient with me while I tried to figure all this out. Instead, there's the chip from off my shoulder stuffed in the back of a drawer. I've obviously started saying YEET even more. I find it helps fill the void.
He's honestly one of the best people I've ever met. The people that get to be around him are so so lucky. I wish I was one of them all the time. For a long time I thought it was because it was fresh, or because emotionally I turned a molehill into a mountain and that he probably wasn't that great and it would get easier with time. It certainly didn't get easier, actually, it has just gotten harder. I cried a LOT last year on the plane ride home from Cali because I previously had been pinching my pennies to take him to the beach for his birthday -he'd never been. I really thought that I would be going with him. I think that's the hardest part. I really thought that there was a future and then feeling so stupid and embarrassed in yourself when it falls apart. I don't really know how else to say it, he's the kind of dude I'd pack a lunch for.
I've had a lot of time to process everything and look at my own issues, and toxic traits in relationships, I wonder if I ruin things subconsciously because I'm afraid to to be close to people- especially men. It took me a long time to get to this conclusion- but I'm pretty sure I'm in love with him. Which is probably why I still cry about it so much and why it's so terrifying for me to write down. I told myself over and over that it wasn't true but I'd still like him even if he had the feet of a chicken, or if he had a prosthetic eye I'd be willing to polish it for him- which is undeniably icky. It's irritating and confusing and he probably thinks I'm a creepy mopey clingy girl who needs to back TF off because we are so not on the same page. I don't want to be like the creepy ghost girl in the game "home, sweet home". She goes around chasing you says in her creepy smoker voice says "I miss you so much." To avoid her you literally have to hide in lockers I definitely am not aiming to have that effect. So I don't tell him I miss him or send him things that make me think of him or try to see what's going on with his life. Because I want him to be happy so I need to respect his space and opinions.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you are lucky enough to have a second chance, or have someone who tries their best, and loves you back give them a lil squeeze and tell them what they mean to you. Let them know the insignificant things they do that you love about them. Tell them that you'd love them even with chicken feet.
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