Why We 'Broke Up'

I'm writing this for me. The whole reason I even started to post stuff is so I could get out all the things that I couldn't say aloud. So, if you decide to read this you should know that it's pretty long and dramatic. I'd highly recommend getting a lil' sippy sippy before reading this.

 

If you don't drink then... good luck.

I'm starting this post with an apology to anyone I've ever made fun of for their 'bad' decisions in their romantic affairs. I really, truly didn't understand. This has turned me into a total softie and now I see what people have been talking about. So please forgive my insensitivity because this has changed how I see things completely. Those kinds of decisions are really hard, and in my case they turn you into a complete idiot. This has had me so distraught that I've been listening to Nickleback. On purpose.


When I knew I should stop dating you I almost couldn't. I thought to myself "I can't do this, it's too hard.", which is why I had to call it quits I won't sign up to be unhappy. I had hoped things would've gone very differently but this is real life and if there's anything I've learned is that it's unpredictable, messy, and whelming.

I didn't think I'd spend the first few days of the new year crying myself to sleep, but now that I've gone through some of the tears I'm ready to work through this.

currently relating to new girl much more than I'd like.

 I'm not normally the kind of person to let someone work me up so much, but it just hit me that the last time I saw you might be the last time I ever see you on purpose.  Just driving past your place forces me to catch my breath, I really wish there wasn't so much stuff I needed to do down in Provo. There are so many things in my life that you bled into, so now everything reminds me of you. I know I did this to myself but it doesn't' make it any easier.

I decided to try dating. I'd say I have a pretty prickly personality. I'm just generally uncomfortable around people I don't know which makes it a really difficult to get to know new people. That paired with my depression, anxiety, and incredibly morbid sense of humor hasn't fared too well with any of the guys I've ever tried to make the moves on. It could also be that my moves are similar to those of  a twelve year old. 

To get past the obstacle of not wanting to meet anyone and avoiding dating the people I already knew I made the fantastic decision to give tinder a shot.

Oh. Boy. 9/10 people on there are disgusting. Like to the point that when someone messages you and it only says "DTF?" they seem like a gentleman. There are things that have been burned into my brain that even I won't repeat. Even with all the letdowns, I figured it would be good because I'd get some experience and not have to deal with people I already knew. I never imagined I'd want to take a tinder date seriously, then I met you.

I always joked about being a cheap sugar baby (let's be real I'd be a splenda baby, I'm not giving out any sugar), you know to pay for college yadda yadda. I didn't really expect to date someone over ten years older than me, and while that raised a couple eyebrows it didn't make me second guess myself.

 I don't want to date a baby (also every time I'm interested in someone they get older and taller. If any of you have slenderman's number do a girl a favor and drop it, if this trend continues he's probably my soul mate). If anything I want to be the baby and have someone take care of me. I feel qualified as a twenty-year-old to say that I don't generally like like twenty-year-olds. Of course being older doesn't mean someones grown up; even though you have subtle crows feet it never stopped you from telling horrible jokes and making me laugh at something that really wasn't very funny.

Our first date was fine. It was one of the few time I've ever seen you in something other than a polo, it was a blue t-shirt with a bike on it. That date was uncomfortable, but like I said I have a really hard time warming up to people. I never know what to say when I meet someone- I have a mean sense of humor and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I had to keep talking even though there were a couple of things I said that made me cringe internally and want to run away. It wasn't perfect but not the worst. Our second date was only a couple days later. I said we should hike the G, I didn't anticipate how out of shape eating chicken nuggets made me or that your long legs would be killing me... Or that my ponytail would slide lower and lower until by the end of the night I looked like a founding father, so cute. When we got to the top I put a rock in your gatorade (I know, whose the twelve-year-old now?) but you just laughed. When we got back down you tried to show me how to skip a rock, which you quickly found that I couldn't do. We saw a bat that night too, it was the highlight for me. I wanted to name it Bruce. You said we should name it after the bat in Anastasia, which I still haven't seen. 

Even though you saw that I was basically just a big moron you still sat with me and looked at all the lights in the valley. A couple days later I was down at your apartment looking like a drowned rat because of crazy heavy rain that made me an hour late. But you still smiled when you opened up the door. I found out then you didn't really care for soda and I told you that doctor pepper was my life force. A few hours of Zelda later and you walked me to my car and kissed me. You asked me how it was (it was my first kiss) so I told you "I don't know... I don't have anything to compare it to." (I want to punch myself in the face just thinking about the fact that I said that) you kissed me again and said, "Now you do." Even I have to admit that's pretty sweet. I remember calling one of my closest friends on the way home and telling her that it was weird and that the height difference really didn't help. That I thought when I kissed someone it would be like coffee getting poured on my brain I didn't know that it would come later.

I made you watch the ring because you had never seen it, a true travesty. You kept trying to kiss me so I moved across the room because I wanted you to watch the movie. When you finally did get one your heart was beating so hard I could feel it. Which I teased you about a lot- but I had to make sure you weren't having a heart attack from old age. When we started kissing 'for reals' the first time I started laughing because it was so weird (really though why is touching mouths a sign of affection?). You asked me "What are you laughing about?" and in a split second I responded "Memes." You just kind of nodded and then kissed me again. That's why I wanted to get to know you because you just let me be dumb. You are easy going and just roll with the punches. I saw you more and more, you showed me the most incredible zombie movie which you ended up not liking because I wouldn't pay attention to you- not every movie went that way. I don't remember anything about Toy Story except that Ham says "you uncultured swine." and how at the end you told me that it might be your new favorite movie.

I think it was close your birthday when we went on a walk we went the opposite way we normally did. It was dark out and we got to a bridge you looked at me and said "It's a one in sixer"

That's when I realized I liked you. I tried to kiss you really quick, but I poked myself in the eye on your nose and I kid you not I had a headache for two days after that. You apologized profusely even though it was 100% my fault. We joked about being pirates for the rest of the night because I kept that eye all scrunched up after that.

About a week before the end of October, I asked you what we were. Our first DTR. I had been thinking about you, you had said you didn't know what to be for Halloween so I told you could be my boyfriend. Your response wasn't really clear one way or the other so I prayed about what to do. I didn't feel a strong answer so I tried to just look at it analytically. When we talked you told me you weren't ready to date exclusively and that even though you liked me you didn't think that anything was going to come of this. I went in totally prepared to stop seeing you even though it would make me sad. When you told me all that I was going to tell you that I wished you well and be on my way. That would be the logical next step but I got the strongest impression that I think I've ever had that told me "Don't." I tried to trust that feeling even though I was blown away. I didn't see it coming, but I did my best to let it come. I asked you if I was just filler for you, you told me no. So I made you promise to tell me if you ever knew that there wasn't a possibility of this going anywhere. I told you that for the time being that this was okay. I asked you to always be honest with me, especially about how you were feeling and if you started to see and kiss someone else. Even if you thought it would hurt me, because I could take care of myself. That you didn't owe me anything and that finding what made you happy is absolutely what you should do. I felt nervous but wanted to keep moving forward, I thought you were open to the potential.

I had already heard about how you grew up making little 'movies' about sasquatch with your kajillion cousins. You let me spend like two hours at a duck pond and I told you we should name every single duck. You literally caught me when I fell out of a tree. After that conversation, we went to frozen yogurt where I found out you don't like Christmas music unless it's December (which is lame, Christmas music is good). We kissed in the rain. Everything I did slowly changed into something 'we' did. The songs on the radio all turned into songs about you. I knew I was in trouble when Ed Sheeran started to make sense to me.

I thought about calling it quits because I was afraid but I told myself over and over "Don't end a good thing just because you're afraid."It did scare me, I have been very career oriented since I was twelve- the fact that I would even consider changing all the plans I had made had me in a panic. I was convinced I wasn't ready to feel all this. I didn't have my own place, a career, plans, nothing in my life felt like I was in a place to have anything even resembling a relationship. I almost called you to end it all but I hung up the phone when the phrase "If you wait until you're ready you'll wait till your dead" started echoing inside my head. My heart started beating a little faster when I saw you because I knew I was choosing this.

 I was choosing you. Until I finally let myself jump in, I knew that it couldn't ever work if I didn't give it all my effort. That I had to let go of being afraid of getting hurt because good things are worth being hurt over, if I held back I'd always look back and regret it.

I did get hurt, so this is my current mood.

I tried really hard to be kind, which meant I had to fight instinct. I even stopped telling mom jokes in your presence because of the delicate relationship you have with yours. Which might seem like it wouldn't be hard but I'm the dummy that said "Your mom" to a dude whose mom died in an accident, That little comment still keeps me up at night. I had to actively stop pushing against all the mushy moments. When you said something that made me mad I always tried to wait until I calmed down to respond. Like the time you round about called me 'sensitive'. I know you realized how unhappy I was but I wanted to poke you in your eye and then tell it to stop watering because there was no need for it to be 'sensitive'. I stayed pretty calm and didn't poke you in the eye- you're welcome. I tried to eliminate any word vomit in our conversations which lead to some long pauses but I wanted all my words to count. I came and saw you on Halloween and I felt like such a dork in my Dorothy costume with the puffy sleeves. When I left you told me how cute I was. I rolled my eyes thinking you were just mocking me because you knew that I felt pretty dumb. The way you looked at me was different than ever before. Then you told me something along the lines of  "Don't do that. Not tonight." followed by "You are so beautiful." that was disarming. I felt emotionally vulnerable without having to risk anything. I don't think I've ever felt like that before.

You teased me about always being cold, bringing a blanket with me everywhere and always wearing those really ugly fluffy socks. I teased you when my makeup ended up all over your face. Even though you don't like jaws or tacos I wanted to spend all my time with you. We watched all the old star wars movies and I told you how much I loved Leia and Han to which you responded: "well I'm kind of like Han..." I smugly replied "No. I'm Han. You can be Chewy." One of my favorite memories is when we went to a haunted house and too many people were in at once. So we decided to hang back for a minute when I kissed you a little kid ran up from behind us and said "Oh no... Mom! There are people kissing over here!" We laughed about it for the rest of the night. There was also the kid we saw pelting his brother with a stream from a supersoaker by my house that was honestly one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Through all this, I turned into the people I hate.

I still feel this way. I'm a hypocrite.

PDA. Don't get me wrong I think it's disgusting but I also wouldn't take it back. Because when I was with you it didn't feel like there was anyone else around. That has to be the tackiest thing I've ever typed. I've made fun of those people my whole life but jokes on me because here I am putting it down. I think I understand it now.

I can't believe I let my heart break over you. But the more I think about it the more it makes sense. I picked it apart over and over looking for a reason for me to feel this way. We don't have a lot in common, but we have the same sense of humor. You're not the most handsome dude I've ever met, but your laugh is one of the best things I've ever seen. You're not the most educated, but you have the quickest wit out of anyone I know. There's nothing you can give me. You don't have an amazing family I want to be a part of. You don't have any money or a career. But none of that mattered because I just wanted to be with you. That's not rational at all.

But I heard love rarely is rational. When I thought about all the little things that I thought would present issues I  realized that they didn't really matter or that we could work through them. Because you were worth it. Because even though you have gaps inbetween some of your teeth I like to look at your face. Even though we never like the same movies I would've watched them with you (although to be fair I probably still would've complained). Even though you're old enough to have your 'life together' I wasn't worried about it in the least because I know you'll get there. I even liked cuddling you even though you are always freezing to the touch and you're kind of crunchy. I mean you can't help that you're so skinny but I think your ribs could cut through furniture. There's so much more I could write but I'm trying to be mindful of what I should share, there are things that you told me that you may not want the three people who read this to know so I'm trying to make sure I'm not saying anything that could hurt you. It would be easy though to write down all the things you told me, I remember them all. Because I loved seeing what made you tick, your passions and the things that made you smile. Even if it was talking about basketball and your dislike of Lebron James and the whole thing went over my head. (This video is the only reason I even know who Lebron James is)

I put a hard pause on our 'relationship' when you told me weeks after the fact that you kissed someone else. I cried the whole way home that night, the only thing I asked for from you was honesty. I didn't want to rush you into anything, and I wanted you to be sure of your choice so I never told you couldn't do anything. It made me feel like I couldn't trust you. I started to wonder why you weren't responding to my texts super quickly and get all the 'clingy' symptoms

Don't want to be 'that' jealous girl.

. I didn't want to do that to you but even more importantly I didn't want to feel like that. So I told you that I would be willing to move past the lie of omission but not willing to repeat it. I needed you to choose. You didn't choose me, you ended that conversation with "this isn't what I wanted." When you choose the action you don't get to choose the consequence. I hope you didn't mean it like that, that conversation stung. I won't ever be okay with that kind of breach of trust, so why would you think that we could just go back to how things were? I'm not a NCMO (Is that utah slang? Do people even know what a NCMO is?) typa girl. Maybe that's what you thought all this was when really I was trying to give you some time to figure out what you wanted. I only let a couple tears out then and that's the only time you've ever seen me cry.  Because I can't make you feel something you don't. I shouldn't ask you to

That 'breakup' had me crying so hard the next day that my eyes turned into flaming meatballs in my skull. It even crossed my mind to try to make you jealous which really surprised me. I'd NEVER act on that because I'd hate to hurt someone else to get to you or to act like I was fourteen to try to manipulate your feelings. I gave it some time and I told you we should still be friends. Even though I felt hurt you were still one of my very favorite people. We're both adults and even though that mistake was a pretty shitty thing to do I remembered all of the things that make you so wonderful. You're patient, kind, dorky (it's pretty adorable), and a good listener. How optimistic you are and you see the best in people. I love how you laugh at the stuff that's gone wrong and take everything potentially difficult with a grain of salt. How you're a deeply curious person and you find everything so exciting and fascinating. You're silly and fun to be around and you don't take anything too seriously. Being around you makes me happy.

My feelings for you didn't change and you knew that. Being just friends was fine even though it wasn't what I wanted. You were such an important part of my life so I could suck it up and just deal with it.

I can't pass up an opportunity to use Dwight.

 I even came on Christmas. It was really really hard, but I didn't want you to be alone for Christmas. So even though seeing you was more bitter than sweet I went because I don't ever want you to want for anything. One night I was by your place so I thought I'd just drop by for a little bit I shot you a text and then I was on my way. We talked about our work schedules while you played Zelda. You finally got the master sword (If that's not proof I'm good luck I don't know what is). Then you said something sassy to me so I grabbed one of those Hershey kisses off your little table by the couch and threw it at you. It hit you right on the forehead. I was pretty impressed- my aim is horrible. For the rest of the night, I was throwing candy at you every chance I got. You finally grabbed my hand to stop me and then you got too close, you almost touched your nose to mine and said: "Those aren't the kisses I want." What kind of bull shit is that? That straight up sounds like something from a Hallmark movie. But I still wanted to kiss you.

You absolutely forced my hand and I wish I could be angry at you for it.

Angry like Tyra Banks on America's Next Top Model.

I'd even settle for feeling like this

But I really just feel like this

If I was angry I'd have something to hold against you, a wedge that could separate myself from the feelings I have for you. But I'm not. I'm just so disappointed. There are people who deserve my anger, you're not one of them. I didn't put any limits on our relationship except that I wanted transparency, when that didn't work I told you it was either just me or just friends, you chose just friends. Yet there you were telling me you wanted more than friendship but not the commitment. I tried to keep you in my life because you are so important to me and you made it impossible. Realizing that makes these little knots form in my stomach, it makes me feel sick.

Me flipstick-ing, at my feelings. Why you gotta do this to me?

 I had to push your face away from mine and tell you that you already made that choice. On the way home I got the most horrible sinking feeling. You had always told me how much you respected me. When you pulled that I knew that you couldn't have really meant it. That's not something you do to someone you care about especially when you know how they feel. That's when I knew I couldn't see you anymore.

I went down new years eve to tell you. You said you were proud it took you "that long" before you tried to kiss me again. I didn't let it show but out of everything that happened that made me the angriest. You were proud that you put yourself in that position? I held my tongue and didn't say "That's not self-control that's just being inconsiderate." I know how many days and hours it's been since the last time I kissed you. I know you don't understand how much I liked you and that is so frustrating. You told me you were really sorry (again) and that you 'understood' I really don't think you do. I kept it together because I didn't want you to feel guilty. Maybe you should. But I finished my 2017 by crying myself to sleep.

I actually didn't cry watching Titanic I thought it was dumb. But now that I've felt feelings maybe I will.

On the way out you stood up to give me a hug and I didn't have the heart to tell you no. I wish I did because you didn't deserve that from me. I had to pull myself away from you and made it harder on myself than it needed to be.

You still made sure I got home safe and that you told me what I always told you, that you wanted whats best for me. I'm not sure what was best for me ever crossed your mind. Because if that's how you felt you wouldn't have done any of those things that pushed me away and you would never have made me choose between my self-respect- by telling you no and my feelings for you that you didn't reciprocate- by kissing you. So I guess the reason we broke up is that I wanted to have the kind of commitment a break up takes and that's not what you wanted from me. I had been treating you like you were my Pam, but I guess you didn't want that. I put everything on the table and it wasn't enough. I didn't want to do any more of this kind of stuff. I just wanted to be with you. I wonder if I should've given you boyfriend privileges without making you commit. I think you would've lost interest before I had the chance to feel the way I do about you. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel like such a fool now. Because I had a good reason to give it all up but I held on to this feeling and now I've spent every day since we 'broke up' in the begining of december crying over you.

me at myself

 I'm still down for you like Alfred is down for Bruce. Just like I've always said I'm always going to want whats best for you. Even if it's not what I wanted.

 I don't think you did any of that it on purpose. I know you cared about me but if you had just stopped and considered how I felt- I know there's a lot of things you would've done and said differently. I think that's probably your greatest fault, your word choice. One of the first things I told you is that if there wasn't anything there for you, you'd let me know. One of the last things you told me was something like: if we were together I think we'd both feel cheated. That has been on re-run in my head. I feel like I missed something, were there signs I ignored? Did you just figure that out? Did you not remember that promise or could you not tell me?  All these questions are making me look back to when I asked you what ended your last relationship (that question says a lot about the person who answers it) when I first started dating you and you gave me a really sensible answer. Looking back at it now I really truly hope that's how it was.

Because I doubt you're losing any sleep over 'us' and I'm up every night writing this and wondering since we weren't 'together' if you'll tell the next girl the same thing or you tell her it's because you didn't disclose a kiss you should've. You probably don't deserve how I feel about you, or how I treated you. But caring for someone is not about what someone deserves. No one deserves to feel lied to, or second best. I'm not sure anyone can really deserve someone's unconditional love either. It's all about seeing the good through the bad. Loving them as they are as well as the potential you see in them. It's about choosing someone every day regardless of when it's hard. That's how I see you. Not as your mistakes that hurt me but as someone who learns and grows, someone who I know will just get better with time.

Those last couple paragraphs may have put you in a bad light and there's always your perspective. I mean I wrote all this down and I'm sure you could do the same. I'm sure there's so much I don't understand about you. I hope so much that I didn't hurt you although I can see my flaws and that maybe I did by accident. Sometimes I say things before I think, maybe I said something in a way that stung. I don't know but I hope that there's nothing I've done to you that aches. I want anyone who reads this to know that even with those actions you are one of the best people I've ever met. You just need to figure some stuff out. You're more than old enough to know that you shouldn't let someone's feelings get all mixed up if you're not interested and you're smart enough to know that you should be much more careful with what you say. Because a lot of what you told me does make you seem like a big douche bag and you're not. You're the kind of person I want to go grocery shopping with and spend way too much time deciding which ice cream to buy because it's on sale. 

All those things that hurt me only could because I cared. If I thought you were an ass I would've been out of there without a second thought. Even though I'm not the brightest, nicest, or prettiest girl. I've got some good things going for me. Because I'm loyal, I'm a good friend, I'm always honest, and I've truly tried to keep your best interest in mind when I make any decisions.  I have been realllly patient with you and that is not my strong suit. I tried so hard for this, but I can't try for you.

I wish I could, but I can't make you feel for me and I can't do both sides of the relationship, just like Nick Miller can't open that door both ways.

.

So I hope that you'll wake up one morning and think:

I hope you'll tell yourself "I'm a panini-head. I'm a thirty-one-year-old with a twelve-year-old's sense of humor and no prospects and I had a cute twenty-year-old who always made sure I was taken care of, who was crazy about me." That you'll come back and tell me that you think it's hilarious that I named my Dungeons and Dragons character Slim-Shady and that you've always wanted to date a girl who has Danny Devito as her style icon. I hope that even though I look fourteen and have bad skin you'll tell me you miss all the jokes that only I laughed at. But this is real life, not Boy Meets World. So I'm going to keep trying to move forward hoping that I'll get over it.

Loving someone and being in love are two wildly different things. One of the reasons I avoid relationships (of any kind) is because when you really get to know someone you can't help but love them. Because I got to know you, I do love you.

I can't help but think there was potential for the latter and right now that's really tough to deal with.

Seeing what people have overcome and trying new things is really amazing. I'm continually impressed by how kind you are despite everything that could've turned you bitter. How forgiving you are when it would be so easy for you to shut people out. I'm always going to wish you well and hope you're successful. I'm never going to stop caring because I got to see some ofthe things that make you so special, I wish I got to see them all.

Slowly my weekends will turn back to jamming to Metallica alone in my car while eating mexican food in a parking lot or playing Skyrim, maybe even I'll try to go out, but I'll probably just end up at Bec's eating crackers and playing with her cat. I'll eventually get myself under control but until then I'll continue watching Batman: Mask of the Phantasm every other day (I've watched it three times in five days...) and feel like I'm living it out. I know that is a very dramatic response but it's how I deal with dramatic situations. I still pray for you every night that you'll be safe and find what makes you happy, and I pray that I'll be able to let go of you, but mostly I pray that sometime soon I'll stop crying myself to sleep over a dude who just didn't feel it.

I didn't even kill your cat.