Post Mortem

This is the last post about the boy. So if you're sick of the subject wait for the next post.

I've had some time to think about it all. I stopped crying every day, went through the full range of a Taylor Swift album and binge-watched the entirety of Young Justice. Even though it's just a cartoon it helps remind me that my problems are trivial, I don't have to fight evil aliens and I don't have to worry about my friends being dead every time I don't hear back from them. So I got whelmed and now I need to own up to my part in all of this. I'm not perfect, not even close and so there are things that I wish I did differently. Very differently. It takes two to tango so I'm going to start with saying sorry. I hate being wrong, but I hate apologizing even more but  I was having a hard time staying medicated for a while, depression makes people extra fun so I'm sorry for that. I wish that my attitude reflected who I was a little bit better, I'm not sure if I sabotaged this or not. Additionally, I really don't think it's fair for me to put all the blame of you trying to kiss me after we were 'just friends'. I was wayyyy too flirtatious after setting that boundary with you. That's really not fair. I told you that we were just friends then didn't follow all the way through, I'm pretty sad about that. There's blame to share and I still don't think it was cool but it makes me wonder if I had a little more self-control if I would still be able to see you. Lastly, I wonder if I was a little more open if things would be different. I never ever lied to you, just so we're clear. But there were a lot of times that I thought that letting myself calm down and not be upset or angry would make things better. I'm not so sure anymore. 

Maybe if I had let you see how I felt in the moment I wouldn't be missing you. I don't regret it, I didn't want to do anything to hurt you but that also means I avoided things that we maybe should've talked about in the moment. Not to mention all the things I didn't bring up. Someone want to tell me how in the middle of a great time you say "Hey, want to hear about all the great stuff that started when I was eight and gave me PTSD?" I don't think you even know about this blog. Saying I gave you the super short version is an understatement. I wasn't willing to open all the way up to you without the commitment. I still think that was in my best interest, but maybe if you understood me more you'd feel differently, but maybe you wouldn't and that's not a risk I could take. 

To be fair I think you put in a lot of effort but I know there's a lot you don't understand. We also didn't discuss our differences of opinion on religion and such when they came up which is definitely a big deal. But that's another can of worms I didn't know if I was willing to open, it's too scary for me to discuss something so big with someone who's not in it. A lot of good things happened too. I learned that I have a lot more insecurities than I thought I did. I've never really cared about what people thought about me and when I met you that changed, that was pretty intimidating. I also never really cared what I looked like, I've never been so self-conscious of my appearance in my life. For a couple weeks I kept wondering if I was prettier, skinnier, funnier, more perky etc etc you'd still want to see me. It isn't your fault, but not feeling like you're enough is rough. Now I know what I need to work on.

I also learned a lot about myself. One thing I realized is that that you won't find someone who's going to try harder than me, sounds pretty conceited but I also know it's true. I know you saw and appreciated a lot of my effort but there are little things that you probably didn't pick up on. I'm kind of a tool but I'm a really loyal one. I've always known that just because you love someone doesn't mean they'll love you back I just know it a little better now. I see why you need to be your own number one because basically, no one is going to put you first. If you find someone who does, HOLD ON to them. There are not many people like that. You can try really hard to be what someone else wants you to be but it won't necessarily make them happy. You can let someone walk all over you and they'll still complain you weren't flat enough (can't remember where I heard that but it's truuuue.) You treated me very well almost all of the time, so even though I feel like those were the lessons I learned it's not necessarily because you did something bad. 

I've always been afraid of a 'typical' life. I wanted to do something big and eventful with my life. Like become a motivational speaker with memes, or get on the Ellen show. I've never understood the appeal of being a stay at home mom. But you made me consider what that would be like. I don't think it sounds boring anymore (I've never thought less of anyone who wanted that. I just couldn't' relate). Heck I even thought about what it would be like to go back to where you grew up out in the middle of nowhere. I think it would be really nice.

Because there's a lot of squirrels there, I would be entertained for life.

I just wanted the commitment to see where this could go. That while you were with me you weren't looking for 'the next best thing'. I wanted to see if we believed in things similarly. That's the hardest part for me, not knowing what I would've found. If things had ended after we decided we were just too different it would be hard but I don't think I would've spent weeks crying.

I still mean everything I've said. I'm still hoping you decide you've been a panini head and come back. Like some dumb soap opera. Because you're pretty great and I miss you a RIDICULOUS amount. I've also missed punching you in the mouth. With my mouth. It's been driving me CRAZY. I've almost called too many times. I'm finding ways to keep myself in check. Like the fact that it's been a couple months and you could be seeing someone. That I feel like I got played by a 31 year old that gained his fashion sense from a Sears catalog or that you still didn't know how to spell my name after four months of dating (even after I corrected you, *wince* yeah that stings). The more I think about your thought process the less it makes sense. The only conclusions I've come up with are that you're afraid of committing you just don't know you're a commitment-phobe, in which case I didn't have a chance anyway. Maybe you didn't feel anything and it was all just fun for you, that you thought you were supposed to say all that stuff but you didn't mean it but that would mean you broke your promise and I don't think that's you. My last guess is that you have no idea what you're doing and you don't think. Maybe that's why some of your words and actions were contradictory. You sent a lot of mixed signals I hope next time you figure things out a little sooner for everyone who's involved. That being said I should've clued in and been a little bit smarter for myself. You were closer to indifference than to feeling the way I do about you. Which is a pretty harsh truth but there's not another reason for you to not date me- I was just unintentionally your filler.  

I still think about you all the time but I've moved on from just being sad. I'm sure my friends are cheering because those poor saps had to listen to sooooo much of it. So I'm going to stay hopeful but no matter what I'm going to be okay. I've never been a risk taker but you changed all that, I still think that we could be really happy. I don't know that with certainty, I don't know if we'd get married or anything, but I would like to have those big discussions with you and see where it goes. My parents and my friends all really like you (even after all my whining- except one) I'm not the only one who'd be glad to see you around.  More than anything I hope you're moving forward in your life and that you feel fulfilled or happy. Hopefully someday both. I hope to hear from you but until then good luck.

I'm okay to wait for my Jim and Pam moment.