Real heroes- the guys that get distress calls from the commissioner.

As I'm writing this it's Bruce Wayne's (Batman) birthday- febuary 19th. If you know anything about me, you probably know I LOVE Batman. A lot of you know a little bit why, but I don't think anyone really knows. I don't think I could get it all down into words if I spent the rest of my life trying. But, since it's his birthday I thought I'd bring up some of the reasons I love him. This is EXTREMELY cheesy, a lot of it is also really painful to say but if there's anything I've learned from Batman it's to be brave.

This is really Super duper long (I'm really trying to make these shorter, but sometimes they just need to be long)- so I figured I'd include a short version if thats preferable for you:

http://www.tencentticker.com/somethingterrible/

I can remember in first grade my friends calling me Doctor Phil on the playground because regularly I'd be the one to patch things up when people got in a fight. I'd sit them down and make them talk it out. In second grade I got one of those dinky 'awards' at the end of the year for "being the most compassionate." I was always perky and happy. I was very involved in church, always read my scriptures. Was super into activity days (church activities for girls under twelve) and the like. I was even planning on getting my patriarchal blessing at twelve. I strived to be a poster child kind of kid. Then all of that changed.

The first big memory I have of court was when my old bishop showed up. At the request of my abuser. I don't know that he was there to support him but that's what his actions said. When he smiled at me so much of my faith slipped away. How could a man ordained by god show up here? Not for me but for someone who had admitted to being a sexual abuser. It's burned into my mind. In therapy, I even looked up protocol in the bishop's handbook and it specifically points out that if you're in that leadership position you are NOT to show up to court. There is no real proper training for bishops and no set consequences for breaking those rules (still pisses me off, someday I'll make a big scene and shape that shit up). Even though that almost killed my faith, there was no foreseeable consequence for the dude that was supposed to help me grow closer to God. It did get taken care of- years later. Another long story.

 I didn't know if I could believe in god anymore. Not only were there people within the church who let me down. But the people who hurt me said things like 'if you had more faith you would be made whole' or things like 'you can only be forgiven if you forgive' and I couldn't. I believed when I was 12 that I'd be damned for not forgiving the people who I lived with, who 'helped raise me', even though they made me go to countless depositions and appointments for my integrity to be questioned. Faith was how I shaped my life as a kid, I had complete and total belief. All of the things that were important to me were pulled out from under me. My whole foundation had crumbled.

One of the worst things that happened is I had to go in and test because even though my abuser- someone who used to be a cop, had plead guilty. His family accused me of being a liar. So I took a test out of a booklet by myself in a room for like 5 hours, it was the same questions worded slightly differently over and over again trying to see if I would answer something differently. Trying to prove that I was either a liar or not stable. They did everything in their power to get the time to hide 'their assets'/his money. The day I was supposed to take it they said the lady giving the test got sick. They postponed until I was taking all my final tests at the end of the year. Not like finals aren't stessful enough. We called the lady who was supposed give the test office on the originally scheduled day and heard her pick up the phone. She lied. Their lawyer lied to get more time. There was no way to prove that she was there in her office in court and there's no way to go back now. Things like that beat me further and further down. I stopped trusting people, especially people of authority. Lawyers don't care that your a kid, and apparently family isn't as important as money. I saw everyone had an agenda and if you don't have something to give them, you shouldn't be surprised when they try to flatten you.

I went to group therapy I watched nearly every single girl go off the deep end. I don't blame them in the least, but I was horrified looking at what seemed to be destined for me. So many of them felt broken and went looking for someone to love them only to find their desperation lead them to toxic people who used them. The most heartbreaking things were when girls got into substance abuse, watching their moms eyes get watery saying they hadn't heard from them in a couple of days. Knowing that they prayed every night for their child who ran off with someone who they thought could numb their pain might be dead from an overdose. Almost all of the girls who were LDS left the church. I've managed to stay but it's been one heck of a fight. I'm constantly revalutaing if this is what I want. I kind of think this will always be hard for me, I just am trying to do the best I can with what I know so for now it's to stay.  Group therapy helped me in a lot of ways, but the purpose of group therapy is to help you heal and help people going through a similar situation. It honestly only made me feel more isolated. It made me feel like no one got out of this alright.

When I started junior high I was afraid. Of everything. I didn't know if I could handle what was going on in my life. I felt like I had lost nearly everything. Even though I had people supporting me I felt very very alone. I couldn't see that they were there for me. I was blinded by the pain. My sleeping patterns got worse and worse as well as my nightmares. That coupled with the stigma of 'the abused go on to be abusers' made me afraid of myself, I felt so much pressure even though I'd never do something like that. I tried to fight off feeling that maybe all the pain was in my head. I was emotionally battered drained and accused of being a liar or not having all my mental faculties. I started to wonder if maybe I was crazy after months of sleep paralysis every night. I had always believed the truth would be enough, and I knew that this time that wasn't the case. 

That paired with the guilt I carried was picking away at my soul. If I had disclosed my abuse sooner, my mom wouldn't have a broken back and neck. I've been through a LOT of therapy but even now I'll catch myself saying that it's my fault. How dare I be happy, this was all my fault- the pain, my mom's injury, that if I had just ended it all everyone would be better off. Batman's guilt for his parents' death was something I felt I understood first hand, while my situation wasn't the same I could see the consequences of what I saw as my cowardice every day- everytime my mom was in so much pain she'd vomit I saw that I did too little too late. Because of all that (and purity culture) I felt deeply ashamed. So I kept it all in, it was a big secret for me. It makes me really sad that I was so terrified of letting people know what I was going through but I couldn't handle any potential backlash. So I kept it all in. Having a secret like that is so hard. I stopped being the happy perky person I used to be. I tried to just hold on. I felt like I was grasping at straws.

There's a reason Batman mask of the phantasm is my go to.

Because Batman is 'fictional' I never had to worry about betrayal, or ulterior motives. I didn't have to worry that this hero would end up just being a facade to get something. I could completely trust him. Since I felt like I could connect to something I invested, that's what lead me to pick up the issue of Batman that changed my life.

In War Games, I saw past Batman's pain to his humanity. You can see it in how he treats Stephanie who for a time becomes his sidekick. I related to her more than I had related to anyone in a long time. She was abandoned by her boyfriend, the person she thought she could love and depend on. She had to be better than what she went through even thought she felt all alone. She wouldn't become the things she was raised with or the things that happened to her. She brought out the soft side of Bruce. When she was with him I could see that he was not hard and cold, but just really someone who had been broken down and tried to rebuild. That his love really is unconditional just no one can see that through his hard exterior. I also saw one of the most important lessons I've ever learned: that family is not blood.

It hit me hard. Harder than anything had in a long time. I could see someone caring about the little guy even though he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. He should've been crushed but he helped people instead. He helped someone who I thought was just like me. He showed me to use my head to make my choices to ignore what I was feeling. I learned to grow up, much faster than I should've need too. So many of my childhood memories were tainted. I couldn't look back and see how great my birthday was when the people who made me suffer so much were the ones that sang to me while I blew out the candles on my cake. I can't be happy with memories full of wolves in sheeps clothing. Since I grew up with little brothers I watched a lot of Thomas the Train, or Justice League and because it was with them it was a good memory. Batman was something I had as a kid that I could still hold onto. Rediscovering him was like gaining back a part of my childhood.

It helped me be tough (to be fair, I didn't do it very well) to be fine when I went to school, act like life was peachy after having vivid nightmares that made me wake up in a sweat. It was so hard-  but if I was going to get through this I needed to remove my feelings for these people. To stop breaking down and get the job at hand done. Sometimes it was getting through the day, sometimes it was finding the motiviation to finish my homework. I needed to stop doubting myself or making excuses- to do what's right.

Like this. There were numerous examples but... suck it Clark.

The earliest I can remember being abused is when I was eight years old. That's when I started having terrible nightmares, suicidal thoughts, and scratching my legs so hard in my sleep that they bled. Every time I look at the scars on my thighs it's a little reminder. Even though it's hard for me to look it also shows me that I got through it. When I see those scars it makes me think that's when I stopped being the kid I had always planned on being. That's when the things that will follow me for the rest of my life started.

 

The more I got into the batman the more I related. I saw this episode of Justice League and cried. You might be thinking "You say everything makes you cry." you're correct. I also cried at a kind of dinky episode of Justice League too. Because not many people understand that when Bruce saw his parents killed he ceased to be the Bruce he and when anyone else thought he'd grow up to be. In a way, he died that night too. Because all of the things he hoped and dreamed stopped when the people who were supposed to help him get there were gone. But he didn't shut down, he picked himself up, just like I was trying to do. He was strong despite of having his ideal future removed from the playing field.

Batman showed me that it's okay to be afraid, which I think most people never learn. It was invaluable to me to see someone turn their weakness into their strength. I had lost so much of stability of my life, all the things I had counted on I couldn't count on anymore. Batman slowly but surely replaced them. If I didn't have  people I considered to be family, trust, and religion- I could hold on to honesty and dignity. Even if I was miserable I could do this. Because that's what Batman did.

He reaffirmed that I did not need to stoop to the level of the people who hurt me.

Above all I think I love him because he lost his faith in people just like me. He sees the absolute worst in people he gives everyone the chance to change over and over again even if he doesn't think they will. He knows that there is potential for everyone. He dedicates his life trying to ensure that no one else has to go through the pain he did.

 He knows he can't win this fight. But he does the noble thing anyway, he loses so much in his crusade to atone for the wrongs committed by those around him. I knew with the lies and cheap shots I probably wouldn't get much out of the seven years I went to court. But I chose to fight it even though it was exhausting because It was the right thing to do. As tacky as it sounds, without Batman I don't know if that's what I would've chosen. 

I found out pretty early in life the justice system is a joke. That spirit of the law hasn't mattered in a very very long time. The opposing lawyer literally called my mom names when he wasn't saying that I was obviously fine since I wasn't failing my classes. If you don't show signs of failing in every element in your life then obviously you're not 'that affected' by your abuse. Unfortunatly theres a flip side too- can't tell you how many times that I've heard something along the lines of "She's obviously mental unstable. Her addiction, reckless behavior etc obviously is blowing the abuse out of preportion". Yet, it's an actual strategy to tank in your life for the sake of getting a good settlement in your case. I chose honesty over getting something out of the fight even though it would be so easy to make the people who hurt me pay with just a few false facts. That even though these people were bad, doing something wrong to punish the wicked wasn't something I could do.

Best Batman movie of all time. Fight me.

 When I finally got my last day in court I wasn't even allowed to talk about half of the abuse I went through. I had fought to the bitter end only to be limited to what I could say. I knew going in that there wasn't anything that could really give me adequate justice- but I still had no idea how the justice system would fail me. That as the victim I would still be so limited in what I could even say about the people who hurt me. I will never see a penny of the seven million dollar verdict I was awarded for the stuff I went through. Poorest millionare you know fools. Holla at me if you want a pretend loan.

Yet again I relate to Batman, but this time to Tim. No kidding the legal system is bogus.

Batman has always been there for me when I needed something, even when I thought I had nothing. He never let corruption or lies bring him down. He didn't become a victim or a monster by inflicting his pain on someone else. I know that some people would make an opposing argument, but that's just not how I see it, because Batman to me is Batman in his animated series. He saves everyone he can at any cost. That's why sometimes at my house we refer to him as 'stabby Jesus' because that's exactly what he is. He embodies hope and every christlike attribute there is- inside a man who thinks spandex is a better idea than therapy. He's not perfect like Jesus but does what he can perfectly. Which happens to include non-lethal stabbing. Sometimes he falls short, but that's okay too because it shows that sometimes it's okay to fail, just to always try again. He does more than anyone could expect of a man and that's something to aspire to be like.

I saw that you could go through unimaginable pain and still be good. Batman didn't believe he was a good person, but when he thought life wasn't worth it, he changed into someone new. Someone with purpose. He never falters from his core beliefs. If you only watch one video this should be it, because this embodies who Batman really is.

kindness, decency, and honesty. That's what I want to show the world too even if it comes buried underneath the less than pleasant attributes I have.

I know, ultimate cheeseball quote.

Batman normally fights for Gotham, but when I needed it he helped fight for me when I couldn't do it by myself.





annnnd as a bonus here are some of my very favorite Batman things.