Girl Gripes

If you easily suffer from secondhand embarrassment then you should prepare yourself, because for whatever reason people tend to get all uncomfortable about having a body. I don't really think it makes sense. I also think you should do more embarrassing stuff so you stop feeling so second-hand embarrassed. Like peeing in front of longtime family friends (It's quite the story). Sometimes I wish I was born as a toothbrush.

Prepare yourself for a gripe session

Let's start with bras. You know the crazy expensive chest cages that are made to keep all your business in it's assigned seat and to hide your nips. Because we all know girl nips are a no no but guys are VASTLY different so they're just fine.

A good bra that actually fits will cost you at least thirty bucks. I've found that if you can get 2 for fifty that's the deal of a lifetime. I mean it's underwear, that's expected to bought and worn. So why the heck is it so expensive? Well, I saw some go on sale online for less than $20 a pop and ordered a lot. There weren't a lot of pictures and what was there were from a distance on models so I just figured if they didn't work out I'd return them. Fast forward two weeks, they come and luckily some worked out but to my surprise, some of them were 'sexy'. So they didn't accomplish either of the two purposes previously stated. The not sale price for just one is like sixty bucks for essentially a couple triangles of cheesecloth held together by ribbon. Of course, they weren't going to show that on the model because again girls nips that actually serve a purpose are offensive so that got blurred out. That's why I currently have lingerie in my possession. Why??

Boobs also ruin half of the graphic t-shirts I like. I used to have this REALLY cute t-shirt with batgirl's face on it, and one day I put it on and batgirl's eyes were going the wrong way. Like a chameleon. RIP to my favorite t-shirt. I have a joker t-shirt that does something similar, it is RISKY I rarely wear it, and if I do I'm not going out. Plus there's boob sweat. You know that feeling when you're playing the ocean and a piece of seaweed slides up against your foot? That's kind of what it feels like. If it's a particularly hot summers day it even shows up on your t-shirts and then you stretch and you can feel the sticky slide on your ribs. EWWW. I mean you can wear a sports bra and it sort of takes care of it but they don't do as much as regular bra so it's kind of a pick your poison.

On top of that, they get all achey when you're on your period. Like sensitive to the touch. Jogging up the stairs and you gotta hold those suckers in place or it feels like you just got punched. I guarantee you most the girls you know hold their boobs while jogging up the stairs. It's a thing. To be fair they do serve a purpose, I'm so glad I have satanic milk jugs perma-glued to my body. I guess they are soft. That's about all they have going for them.

I'm baffled by how little dudes know about girls. Especially about the differences between a girl's body and a boys. I get that school health completely fails to tell anyone anything but still- so oblivious. Especially about pregnancy and periods. Sometimes I think dudes should get punched in the balls once a month to help keep everything in perspective. To start things off about a week before your period you get PMS and if you're me, you get it BAD. Your hormones are all over the place and your emotions follow suit. I finally started my period today a week late, I've been PMSing for two weeks (yay breaking out an additional week) yesterday I cried at a Hyundai comercial. Really. Roadkill will set me off too. Then comes the blood (but at least the emotional rollar coaster is over). If my period starts unexpectedly or early you might wake up on the Japanese flag- a lovely way to start what I lovingly refer to as shark week. Or you're caught with no supplies and you have to run around to all your friends asking if they have anything you can use. All that is quickly followed by cramps. They. are. the. worst. 

this video is hilarious and wayyyy relatable

I'm sure most of you (at least girls) have heard about how women have mistaken appendicitis for their cramps. It's an intense sharp pain right shooting straight through your uterus. It's enough to stop you in your tracks for sure. You might think why would it hurt so much? Well, a period is actually the sloughing off of the uterine lining. Basically your insides tears itself apart and then evacuates just to start all over.  If you've never had a period maybe you've played mortal kombat, if so you can still find a way to relate- imagine noob saibot is a period imagine any loser as your uterus. The blood really adds.

There's all the hormones and the bloating too. It makes me feel good really pretty too (thanks to those hormonal breakouts). Of course, this goes on for 3-5 days every month for around forty years. The options to deal with this is to wear a pad which basically a tiny diaper or a tampon which is a little cotton wad you put up your who-ha. Something I think that is just fitting is that tampons were/are occasionally used to dress wounds like bullet holes. Man down- For reals.  If you're really lucky and have a heavy period you get to wear both at the same time.

What makes them even more special is that those feminine products are taxed as a luxury (and you know, viagra isn't but it's fine). Luckily that's starting to change and the government is slowly figuring out that bleeding uncontrollably out of your body shouldn't be expensive.

A little bonus snippet- when you sneeze on your period it feels like you gave birth to a jellyfish. It's disgusting. But at least you don't have a lil gremlin stealing your nutrients and kicking you in the ribs right??? 

Well if you think that all that sounds pleasant you should really look at the miracle of carrying a child.

Maybe you should give these a watch and next time it's your birthday apologize to your mom.

WRONG. First of all have you seen someone give birth? NOT CUTE. Amazing, sure. But not as so many people call it 'beautiful'. When all that's over there's a cute lil potato baby. If you were lucky enough to be mom you bleed for 2-6 weeks. So you know like two months of continuous period to make up for all the times you missed.

 I guess that's what you get for making something in va-china (I know that was a really dumb joke, I understand if you don't want to be my friend anymore).

Having a baby you gain at least thirty pounds lots of back pain. Again really sore boobs. Can't breathe. Stretch marks. Can't see your feet. Eventually you can't shave anymore because you can't reach your legs over your belly but at least you get to skip your period right? Well... That is a plus but that doesn't mean that you get to skip out on wearing a pad. The hormone changes make you have to pee way more and then baby pushes on your bladder. Basically you turn into a leaky sink. Every woman I've ever talked to about pregnancy has had the issue. Pregnancy sounds amazing.

Not to mention that pushing a baby out of all your business has to feel really good right  I mean it's natural for something the size of a bowling ball to come out of you... All that stretching MUST feel really good. Right? Well, if that doesn't sound good you probobally shouldn't think about the potential tearing and stitches you'll need. If I ever have kids I hope the dad isn't in the room or keeps it together because I know I won't. I'll also probably be really mean or be the person that accidentally breaks someone's finger from squeezing it too hard. I'm kind of a big baby and if I get stressed or feel physical pain my first reaction is to be a jerk. If someone other than a doctor told me to "push" or "keep breathing" I'm pretty sure I would combust and change into my true form (the devil) before strangling them and asking if they wanted to have the baby while I was still in labor. 

Pretty sure this is how your body feels after pushing out another body

Your boobs stay sore from nursing/pumping. Yay. You also never sleep again.

Of course, you can avoid this using birth control but what can birth control do? 

-nausea

-breast tenderness (I think boobs are basically built to just hurt)

-headaches and migraine

weight gain

-mood changes
-can be hella expensive

I know I've complained a lot but it really is amazing that we have this kind of technology- as long as you don't miss a day that is- You better be thinking of when to get your refill at the pharmacy ahead of time, can't miss that stuff.

If you aren't meme literate move on

 I've found a way around it though. Let me re-tell the one time in my life I was funny.

 I went to the doctor's office did all the usual stuff and a nurse came in and asked: "What kind of birth control are you on?" I looked her dead in the eye and without cracking a smile (which is quite a feat, I have to laugh at my own jokes- no one else will) told her "My personality." 

I haven't even talked about the unrealistic photoshopped beauty standard for a woman or slut-shaming. The list continues with mansplaining or how feminism has become a dirty word. I didn't really mention how women are constantly paranoid being out alone and how the constantly think about how they dress, I mean I don't think dudes have to worry about wearing a shirt that's a little tight and getting the wrong attention. There are totally rad things about being a girl too. I feel like there's a lot more freedom of appearance for girls. I like that wearing makeup is socially acceptable.  I mean slathering glitter all over my face and using gold to coat my eyelids is fun. It's like a mini Halloween every day. Also being able to have a kid is basically a superpower. I mean it's useless in a fight *sigh* but it's still pretty amazing. Because kids are SO cute. Once they hit about four I really like them. They get funny and spicy and they don't look like an alien. You can also teach them about Batman and they have invested interest. You're also allowed to have feelings if you're a girl. I mean you get made fun of for 'being too emotional' or get told 'you must be on your period' a lot but at least you're allowed to have them.

Boys have to deal with toxic masculinity. They are shown that they have to be aggressive and to go after women. It always makes my heart hurt seeing a cute little man gets told to toughen up for just reacting to what's going on around them. A lot of them are force-fed misogyny at a young age and never get the chance to know anything different. A lot of the things that I don't like about guys is basically what they've been shown is expected of them. So I do my best to not hold it against them because dudes have to go through a lot too. Most of which I don't know about. I just know that I ever have kids I'm going to try really hard to just teach them to treat everyone with respect and that crimefighting is the only thing that matters. I'll also make sure they have a lot of action figures, hot wheels, and baby dolls that way they get a healthy mix of everything.

Anyways I hope that you thought at the very least this was funny and gave you a little more appreciation for the chics in your life. I've got to go make a return with those transparent bras. Peace.